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How people perceive you

January 8, 2015 By Mike McClement - www.think-confidence.com

How do people perceive me? What’s the big deal?

Have you ever thought about how people perceive you? I mean seriously thought about it? We all wonder what people think of us every now and then but normally we tend to wonder this through curiosity rather than for any constructive reason. In fact, I expect some of you will be thinking… why should I bother reading this because “I don’t care what people think of me”.

If I was talking about looks or appearance then you would be right – I would stop reading now. But this blog is not about how you look, it’s about how you communicate. It’s about understanding how people perceive you so that you can make small changes to your behaviour to make you look and sound confident.

If you can work out how others perceive you, you can understand how you come across to them. This matters. If you get it wrong, it could be the reason why some people see you as lacking in confidence. If you get it right, you can start to think about adapting your behaviour so that their perception of you is what you want it to be.

In short, knowing how you come across to other people puts you in control and this in turn will make you look and feel more confident.

If you know how you come across, you can take control of the situation

I will show you in three simple steps how to work out how others perceive you. This in turn will help you to….

But first, let’s clarify why it matters how others perceive you.

Most people accept that other peoples’ perceptions of them do matter. Not everyone though. Some believe that what other people think of them is of no consequence at all. From their point of view “confident people do their own thing”. They are right to some extent. However, these people are not being very clever. Some might even say they are being over-confident. That’s dangerous territory to be in.

These people tend to be those we would describe as ‘thick skinned’. They’re just not bothered what other people think of them. Sometimes they even pride themselves in having this trait; this supposed ‘strength of character’. It’s true that they’re lucky they don’t get affected emotionally by what other people think of them but be under no illusion, that’s where the benefit of being thick skinned stops.

Imagine believing that you come across as a very confident person. You speak clearly and have no problem sharing your thoughts. However, the reality may actually be that other people see you not as confident, but as ‘cocky’, ‘inconsiderate’, ‘insensitive’, or even ‘arrogant’. Imagine what the consequences are likely to be.

Quite simply, this failure to take account of others’ perceptions of you may well impact on the path of your life. You could fail at an interview. Receive a poor performance review. Not be accepted as part of the team. Give a poor presentation. All because your self-perception is different to the perception others have of you.

Not taking account of how others perceive you may have a serious impact at work or in your social life

So it really does matter what people think and how they perceive you. However, it should not be the be all and end all. The reality of life is that most people cannot help but be affected by other peoples’ impressions of them and therefore how people react to them. But I want to show you how this is a positive thing if considered constructively.

Follow these simple Steps to work out how others perceive you and then use this information to help you come across confidently

Step 1 – Revealing how you think you come across.

Whenever you are with others, you are communicating. It’s true that most people think ‘communication’ is merely about talking. It’s not though; talking is just one element of what it means to communicate. Try thinking more widely about the concept of communication. For example, have you ever considered that how you say something might be just as important as what you say?

Even when you’re not talking, you’re still communicating. Your physical presence alone communicates a message. For example, people will form a perception of you just by looking at your facial expression, the way you stand or even by the way you shake their hand.

Some people like to be the centre of attention and to talk, others prefer to watch from the side lines and to listen. Decisions such as these are determined both consciously and subconsciously through your natural communication style. This style is your own personal way of communicating, the instinctive way you come across when you don’t consciously think about it. It will suit certain situations but not others. That’s why it’s so important to get to the bottom of it.

So how do you think you come across? Are you loud, caring, serious, enthusiastic for example?

My simple questionnaire ‘ How Do You Communicate ‘ will give you a clear idea of your own instinctive communication style. It’s free to complete and considers four different types of style. Each of these has its own traits and typical communication behaviours.

It takes just a few minutes to complete the questionnaire and you’ll receive your scores straightaway. The questionnaire is about how you think you come across so it’s important to complete it honestly. Your scores should reflect how you feel about yourself.

Take a moment now to complete it and then continue to the next step.

Discover your natural communication style. Click here

Step 2 – discovering if other people agree with you – is the perception you have of yourself the same as how others perceive you.

Your questionnaire scores tell you how you think you communicate. Were there any surprises? Look out for more details about your scores in your inbox. You can also learn more about communication styles in my free book ‘How to Get People To Listen to You’.

But how can you be sure this is what other people think? They might not agree with you.

You’ve got much more chance of coming across confidently if you are correct about what people are thinking about you when you’re talking. The last thing you need is someone forming a negative impression of you – and you having no idea this is happening. Being confident is hard enough when you look and sound good, let alone when you don’t!

So how can you be sure peoples’ perception of you is what you assume it to be?

Perhaps you’ve never considered this. If so, you’re not unusual. It’s not something that tends to cross peoples’ minds. Most people just make the assumption they come across the way they think they do. Be wary of this. You are making a presumption. You could be wrong.

Never make assumptions about how you think others perceive you

The truth is that most people do wonder what people think of them every now and then; it’s just natural human behaviour. As I mentioned above, mostly it’s simply because we’re curious or perhaps lacking in self-confidence rather than for any constructive reason.

There’s nothing wrong with being curious. But curiosity alone doesn’t tend to lead to any meaningful conclusions you can use.

When I say ‘use’, I mean actually employ to help you to come across to people in the way you really want to be perceived. The difficulty is that, for some people, the way they want to come across can be very different to the way they actually come across.

So being curious is one thing but making changes to your behaviour having learnt from your curiosity is another. This really can make a huge difference, both at work and socially. For example, if you’re presenting a negative impression when you’re talking or doing something distracting that you’re not aware of, this could be the reason why some people see you as lacking in confidence. In reality, that means you’re probably not going to succeed at that interview, be listened to at meetings, engage people during a presentation…

Be aware… You could be communicating your lack of self-confidence without even knowing it

So how can you find out? How can you check how people actually perceive you?

You could ask them of course but you need to be sure they are giving you open and honest feedback. Getting objective feedback from people can be tricky if you are asking friends or family. On my face to face courses , you receive feedback from six people (including me). This works well because people haven’t met before and they can be honest with each other.

You can also use my Reality Check questionnaire (included as part of The 4 Step Confidence Plan ) which is designed so people can give you feedback anonymously. You choose who to invite to complete the questionnaire, but you won’t know who said what about you – that way people can be completely open and honest. They can tell you the good things they see in you and also the things they think you should be aware of or that you could improve on.

You don’t get to see peoples’ completed questionnaires. Instead, the results of each questionnaire are collated automatically through our website and available for you to see once you’ve received five replies. The whole process is completely secure and confidential. The only person who’ll see your results is you.

The Reality Check questionnaire has multiple choice answers and will only take people a few minutes to complete online. The results tell you how people view you in terms of:

We recommend that you invite people who know you well enough to give you some balanced feedback. Try to choose as wide a variety of people as possible. Ideally you should invite at least eight people. The more the merrier. That way you’ll get a comprehensive and balanced overall impression of how people see you. When people start the questionnaire, it’s made clear in the instructions that they are completing it anonymously – this helps to ensure they record what they really think.

You should score yourself separately on a piece of paper so that you can compare your own results to how other people have scored you.

The Reality Check Questionnaire comes in Step 3 of my 4 Step Confidence Plan. Find out more here

Step 3 – reconciliation – controlling other peoples’ perceptions of you..

The results of the Reality Check Questionnaire will give you a clear idea of how people actually perceive you. Take some time to compare these scores with your scores and also your results from the ‘What’s My Communication Style’ Questionnaire.

To really use your scores from the questionnaires effectively, try opening your mind a touch. This should help to explain why different people react to you in different ways. You probably feel most comfortable with people who have a similar communication style to you. That’s because people who communicate like you behave in a way that you can relate to. They do the things you do and don’t distract you or frustrate you by coming across in a way you don’t like.

The problems arise with people who have a different style to you. You might see this as a personality clash. In reality, it’s a communication style clash. So it makes sense to adapt your behaviour so that their perception of you is what you want it to be. That’s not giving in, it’s actually being clever.

Ultimately, it’s best to match the other person’s style. You may want to come across as confident and assertive in some situations or perhaps considerate and empathetic in others. Stick to your guns though; you’re only changing your communication style, not your opinion or needs. So although you are changing the way you communicate your message, the content and meaning of the message stays the same.

Change the way you communicate the message, NOT the meaning of the message itself

You can learn how to put this into practice on my online confidence course or come on one of my one day confidence courses to talk about it and try it out.

The key point to remember here is that if you know how others perceive you, you are more likely to be able to control the situation. You will start to see people reacting to you in the way you want them to. It’s amazing how this can boost your confidence levels too.

So try to remember; have the confidence to ‘do your own thing’ but don’t disregard other people’s perceptions of you. Factor this into your thought processes and actions. Take account of peoples’ perceptions but don’t let this turn into paranoia. So “how am I perceived by others?” is certainly a question you should ask yourself regularly for constructive and positive reasons. For regular free tips on confidence and self-esteem, sign up to receive my Confidence Tips once a week. This is a great way to stay focused on building your confidence in a structured way over a period of time.

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Intellectual Roundtable

Asking — and answering — life's interesting questions

How Do You Think Others See You?

When I turned 30, I asked my friends to provide a one word description of my best feature or my most prominent characteristic. I was curious about what they appreciated about my personality and the way I acted. While I considered myself fairly self-aware, I wanted to know if my friends saw me the same way I saw myself.

Before I started to get responses, I expected that the answers would fall into two or three broad categories. In my own mind, I was smart, I was funny, and I was friendly.

Related: Listen to an episode of the Intellectual Roundtable Podcast, where Lee and Michael discuss this question: ‘How do you think others see you?’ We also discuss another question as well, ‘How can we maintain wonder?’

Once the answers started to roll in, however, I was surprised. In all, I asked maybe 30 people, and I got 30 different answers. While I didn’t expect that every response would be different, the thing that really astonished me was the wide variety of answers. Loyalty, eyes, conversation, creativity, honesty, goofiness. They did not easily fit into the categories I envisioned.

Different people value different things. It took me 30 years to learn this lesson, but it was a major step in expanding my empathy skills. Now I regularly try to view how other people might see the world, including how I fit into it.

I also learned something else from this exercise: every relationship I have is unique. While I might be a constant to my relationships, each person I interact with brings their own personality, their own experiences, their own vantage point to our mutual association.

Which brings me to this week’s question: How do you think others see you? How would you like them to see you? What can you do to change how others see you? Are you externally self-aware?

Related questions: What are our responsibilities to others? What do we have in common? What makes you you? How do you judge yourself?

Spread the word about Intellectual Roundtable:

4 thoughts on “how do you think others see you”.

I consider myself pretty self-aware. However, this question brings up the astute observation that the answers from others would be given through the lenses of who they are, how they see things, and their unique relationships with me. That said, I need to start answering this question with how I see myself, because I can’t easily represent where others are coming from in their relationships with me. Or, at least, the representations would be greatly varied.

People who know me will almost immediately know that I love my wife bunches. They will get that I have a passion for heirloom gardening and taking close up pictures of the plants and the yields it produces. They also will know that I love yoga and distance running, but haven’t practiced either in awhile. They will understand that I have a deep passion for economic and social justice. They will know that I love U2, Wendell Berry, and taking politics. They will also gather that I love to travel. They will know that my bonds of friendship are few, but deep. However, they will see that I love social media, and it is one way that I form new friendships.

In a general sense, I see myself as an awkward person with a weird sense of humor. Some people get that sense of humor; others simply think of me as strange. I could really care less if people think of me as strange; I relish the relationships where people share my sense of humor, or at least play along with it.

I am an introvert. At work I must act extroverted. So I guess I am lucky that I have deeply-held convictions, and I act on these beliefs. That means people know relatively quickly what’s important to me and why. However, when I’m not in the work world, where I find it easy to represent who I am regarding issues of justice, I am deeply-introverted. I find conversations difficult to sink into. My approach is to ask people questions because most people like to talk about themselves, and I am genuinely interested in their answers.

I am a kind-hearted, sensitive guy. And with that I often put a little too much stock in how other see me. This may be my greatest weakness.

I am an authentic and transparent guy. Early on — probably too early on — people will know that I struggle with anxiety and depression. To some, this will simply become apparent; to others I will, quite honestly, simply let it be known.

I think if people were confined to answering this question with just a few words, here is what they would say. Michael: is passionate, transparent, weird (but funny), inquisitive, and stubborn. I love: my wife, working for justice, politics, staying fit, heirloom gardening, photography, and travel.

I think people see me as an avid gardener, kind, friendly and generous with my time and resources. I think people generally appreciate my sense of humor, usually situational and sometimes dry.

I am an extroverted introvert. I can be, and am, very social and outgoing, especially with individuals and groups that I trust. That being said, my extrovert batteries drain very quickly. They usually last for a couple of hours, enough to attend a gathering or event, though I usually become more withdrawn and quieter as the event goes on.

What people don’t see is the constant chronic pain that I deal with, nor the depression that often accompanies it. They don’t see that it takes me twice as long as them to complete seemingly simple tasks, nor that at the end of the day, I sometimes have trouble walking. I try hide or downplay this as I can’t change these aspects of myself, and I want to participate in life. So, I generally push through the pain, as best I can, in public. I also know my limits and try to prioritize, so that important things get done first.

It’s an interesting question, but it’s challenging because it hinges on what it means to “see” someone. Certainly, a lot of people might describe me at the most superficial level: the roles I fill, the work I do, the hobbies I have, the positions I have been outspoken about. But, this is kind of reductive. To paraphrase Chris Columbus’ script from the Breakfast Club: “You see me as you want to see me – in the simplest terms, in the most convenient definitions.”

It’s hard to answer this question in the abstract. I could hazard a guess that would be somewhere in the ballpark for people I have close relationships with (although I’m sure there are probably some big surprises there as well), but I don’t think there’s one overall way that people see me. We barely know ourselves and most of what we think we know about other people includes a lot of projection. I’ve long believed that what we admire in other people is what we either admire or aspire to in ourselves. What we despise in other people is what we either despise or seek to avoid in ourselves.

Not much of an answer, but it’s what I’ve got.

To some extent, we can see in a person’s facial expression what they think of us. In reading about the brain, I learned that a large part of it is devoted to recognizing faces. We respond to faces emotionally, particularly the eyes. Obviously, this is not an exact science. And some people are better at reading people’s expressions than others are.

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How Others See Us, How We See Ourselves

The Science of Personality Development

Janet Echelman ’97

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How We See Ourselves v. How Others See Us Definition Essay

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People manifest their attitudes through their behavior when going through different experiences. When a person feels weak or confused, the people who observe him or her know that there is a problem. The feelings of people change when they are not comfortable with what they are doing, which manifest in the behavior. Individuals tend to believe what they are told is possible if their attitude is positive. When people are asked by others to do something, which is difficult, they first consider how others could benefit from the same.

Self-perception is a trait that develops in a person towards something through daily observation and interaction with others. People develop attitudes but do not relate them with their different moods when going through certain experiences. When one is able to interpret his or her behavior in a rational manner, it becomes possible to understand other people.

A perception of self is a common trait for all people where one can think that he or she is handsome, bright or difficult. There are situations where perceptions of self in a person have developed in a manner that does not match with how other people perceive the individual. For example, you might see yourself as being very organized while others take you to be bossy. Therefore, it is paramount for us to be informed about the way other people perceive us if their perceptions about us are negative.

This helps to improve and ensure that our behavior is acceptable and other people can benefit from our actions. There are situations where our perception on other people changes when we know more about them. The information on how other people perceive us is important so that we can compare it with self-perception. For example, when other people believe that we can be leaders and tell us, we tend to understand why they always consult us in case of any question.

Perceptions of self refer to personality in human beings about their physical size as well as intelligence. For example, people may be perceived as bragging if they talk too much about their children. The significant thing is to know how other people perceive us in order to relate it with self-perception. However, perception of people on others does not always reflect the reality about the character.

For example, some people are less self-defensive but other people may accuse them that they are too defensive. The problem is that an individual may clarify about a certain issue but other people perceive him or her to be defensive. That is why conflicts arise because we think that we have done what others wanted but later realize that we are annoying them. This does not require us to change but we should know about the problem in order to solve it if it recurs.

The hidden feelings of people are different and we are not able to know about them. When a person does something that annoys others he or she may not know how they feel about it. This requires everyone to be conscious when relating with other people. Many people use nonverbal cues when they do not like others such as walking out in a gathering.

A businessperson may also conceal his or her negative feelings towards certain customers because he or she is aware that doing that would put off the customers. Perceptions of self are validated by asking the people we trust about their perceptions on us so that we obtain reliable information, which help us to know why people behave in certain ways.

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2.3 Perceiving and Presenting Self

Learning objectives.

• Define self-concept and discuss how we develop our self-concept.
• Define self-esteem and discuss how we develop self-esteem.
• Explain how social comparison theory and self-discrepancy theory influence self-perception.
• Discuss how social norms, family, culture, and media influence self-perception.
• Define self-presentation and discuss common self-presentation strategies.

Just as our perception of others affects how we communicate, so does our perception of ourselves. But what influences our self-perception? How much of our self is a product of our own making and how much of it is constructed based on how others react to us? How do we present ourselves to others in ways that maintain our sense of self or challenge how others see us? We will begin to answer these questions in this section as we explore self-concept, self-esteem, and self-presentation.

Self-Concept

Self-concept refers to the overall idea of who a person thinks he or she is. If I said, “Tell me who you are,” your answers would be clues as to how you see yourself, your self-concept. Each person has an overall self-concept that might be encapsulated in a short list of overarching characteristics that he or she finds important. But each person’s self-concept is also influenced by context, meaning we think differently about ourselves depending on the situation we are in. In some situations, personal characteristics, such as our abilities, personality, and other distinguishing features, will best describe who we are. You might consider yourself laid back, traditional, funny, open minded, or driven, or you might label yourself a leader or a thrill seeker. In other situations, our self-concept may be tied to group or cultural membership. For example, you might consider yourself a member of the Sigma Phi Epsilon fraternity, a Southerner, or a member of the track team.

Men are more likely than women to include group memberships in their self-concept descriptions.

Stefano Ravalli – In control – CC BY-NC-SA 2.0.

Our self-concept is also formed through our interactions with others and their reactions to us. The concept of the looking glass self explains that we see ourselves reflected in other people’s reactions to us and then form our self-concept based on how we believe other people see us (Cooley, 1902). This reflective process of building our self-concept is based on what other people have actually said, such as “You’re a good listener,” and other people’s actions, such as coming to you for advice. These thoughts evoke emotional responses that feed into our self-concept. For example, you may think, “I’m glad that people can count on me to listen to their problems.”

We also develop our self-concept through comparisons to other people. Social comparison theory states that we describe and evaluate ourselves in terms of how we compare to other people. Social comparisons are based on two dimensions: superiority/inferiority and similarity/difference (Hargie, 2011). In terms of superiority and inferiority, we evaluate characteristics like attractiveness, intelligence, athletic ability, and so on. For example, you may judge yourself to be more intelligent than your brother or less athletic than your best friend, and these judgments are incorporated into your self-concept. This process of comparison and evaluation isn’t necessarily a bad thing, but it can have negative consequences if our reference group isn’t appropriate. Reference groups are the groups we use for social comparison, and they typically change based on what we are evaluating. In terms of athletic ability, many people choose unreasonable reference groups with which to engage in social comparison. If a man wants to get into better shape and starts an exercise routine, he may be discouraged by his difficulty keeping up with the aerobics instructor or running partner and judge himself as inferior, which could negatively affect his self-concept. Using as a reference group people who have only recently started a fitness program but have shown progress could help maintain a more accurate and hopefully positive self-concept.

We also engage in social comparison based on similarity and difference. Since self-concept is context specific, similarity may be desirable in some situations and difference more desirable in others. Factors like age and personality may influence whether or not we want to fit in or stand out. Although we compare ourselves to others throughout our lives, adolescent and teen years usually bring new pressure to be similar to or different from particular reference groups. Think of all the cliques in high school and how people voluntarily and involuntarily broke off into groups based on popularity, interest, culture, or grade level. Some kids in your high school probably wanted to fit in with and be similar to other people in the marching band but be different from the football players. Conversely, athletes were probably more apt to compare themselves, in terms of similar athletic ability, to other athletes rather than kids in show choir. But social comparison can be complicated by perceptual influences. As we learned earlier, we organize information based on similarity and difference, but these patterns don’t always hold true. Even though students involved in athletics and students involved in arts may seem very different, a dancer or singer may also be very athletic, perhaps even more so than a member of the football team. As with other aspects of perception, there are positive and negative consequences of social comparison.

We generally want to know where we fall in terms of ability and performance as compared to others, but what people do with this information and how it affects self-concept varies. Not all people feel they need to be at the top of the list, but some won’t stop until they get the high score on the video game or set a new school record in a track-and-field event. Some people strive to be first chair in the clarinet section of the orchestra, while another person may be content to be second chair. The education system promotes social comparison through grades and rewards such as honor rolls and dean’s lists. Although education and privacy laws prevent me from displaying each student’s grade on a test or paper for the whole class to see, I do typically report the aggregate grades, meaning the total number of As, Bs, Cs, and so on. This doesn’t violate anyone’s privacy rights, but it allows students to see where they fell in the distribution. This type of social comparison can be used as motivation. The student who was one of only three out of twenty-three to get a D on the exam knows that most of her classmates are performing better than she is, which may lead her to think, “If they can do it, I can do it.” But social comparison that isn’t reasoned can have negative effects and result in negative thoughts like “Look at how bad I did. Man, I’m stupid!” These negative thoughts can lead to negative behaviors, because we try to maintain internal consistency, meaning we act in ways that match up with our self-concept. So if the student begins to question her academic abilities and then incorporates an assessment of herself as a “bad student” into her self-concept, she may then behave in ways consistent with that, which is only going to worsen her academic performance. Additionally, a student might be comforted to learn that he isn’t the only person who got a D and then not feel the need to try to improve, since he has company. You can see in this example that evaluations we place on our self-concept can lead to cycles of thinking and acting. These cycles relate to self-esteem and self-efficacy, which are components of our self-concept.

Self-Esteem

Self-esteem refers to the judgments and evaluations we make about our self-concept. While self-concept is a broad description of the self, self-esteem is a more specifically an evaluation of the self (Byrne, 1996). If I again prompted you to “Tell me who you are,” and then asked you to evaluate (label as good/bad, positive/negative, desirable/undesirable) each of the things you listed about yourself, I would get clues about your self-esteem. Like self-concept, self-esteem has general and specific elements. Generally, some people are more likely to evaluate themselves positively while others are more likely to evaluate themselves negatively (Brockner, 1988). More specifically, our self-esteem varies across our life span and across contexts.

Self-esteem varies throughout our lives, but some people generally think more positively of themselves and some people think more negatively.

RHiNO NEAL – [trophy] – CC BY-NC-ND 2.0.

How we judge ourselves affects our communication and our behaviors, but not every negative or positive judgment carries the same weight. The negative evaluation of a trait that isn’t very important for our self-concept will likely not result in a loss of self-esteem. For example, I am not very good at drawing. While I appreciate drawing as an art form, I don’t consider drawing ability to be a very big part of my self-concept. If someone critiqued my drawing ability, my self-esteem wouldn’t take a big hit. I do consider myself a good teacher, however, and I have spent and continue to spend considerable time and effort on improving my knowledge of teaching and my teaching skills. If someone critiqued my teaching knowledge and/or abilities, my self-esteem would definitely be hurt. This doesn’t mean that we can’t be evaluated on something we find important. Even though teaching is very important to my self-concept, I am regularly evaluated on it. Every semester, I am evaluated by my students, and every year, I am evaluated by my dean, department chair, and colleagues. Most of that feedback is in the form of constructive criticism, which can still be difficult to receive, but when taken in the spirit of self-improvement, it is valuable and may even enhance our self-concept and self-esteem. In fact, in professional contexts, people with higher self-esteem are more likely to work harder based on negative feedback, are less negatively affected by work stress, are able to handle workplace conflict better, and are better able to work independently and solve problems (Brockner, 1988). Self-esteem isn’t the only factor that contributes to our self-concept; perceptions about our competence also play a role in developing our sense of self.

Self-Efficacy refers to the judgments people make about their ability to perform a task within a specific context (Bandura, 1997). As you can see in Figure 2.2 “Relationship between Self-Efficacy, Self-Esteem, and Self-Concept” , judgments about our self-efficacy influence our self-esteem, which influences our self-concept. The following example also illustrates these interconnections.

Figure 2.2 Relationship between Self-Efficacy, Self-Esteem, and Self-Concept

Pedro did a good job on his first college speech. During a meeting with his professor, Pedro indicates that he is confident going into the next speech and thinks he will do well. This skill-based assessment is an indication that Pedro has a high level of self-efficacy related to public speaking. If he does well on the speech, the praise from his classmates and professor will reinforce his self-efficacy and lead him to positively evaluate his speaking skills, which will contribute to his self-esteem. By the end of the class, Pedro likely thinks of himself as a good public speaker, which may then become an important part of his self-concept. Throughout these points of connection, it’s important to remember that self-perception affects how we communicate, behave, and perceive other things. Pedro’s increased feeling of self-efficacy may give him more confidence in his delivery, which will likely result in positive feedback that reinforces his self-perception. He may start to perceive his professor more positively since they share an interest in public speaking, and he may begin to notice other people’s speaking skills more during class presentations and public lectures. Over time, he may even start to think about changing his major to communication or pursuing career options that incorporate public speaking, which would further integrate being “a good public speaker” into his self-concept. You can hopefully see that these interconnections can create powerful positive or negative cycles. While some of this process is under our control, much of it is also shaped by the people in our lives.

The verbal and nonverbal feedback we get from people affect our feelings of self-efficacy and our self-esteem. As we saw in Pedro’s example, being given positive feedback can increase our self-efficacy, which may make us more likely to engage in a similar task in the future (Hargie, 2011). Obviously, negative feedback can lead to decreased self-efficacy and a declining interest in engaging with the activity again. In general, people adjust their expectations about their abilities based on feedback they get from others. Positive feedback tends to make people raise their expectations for themselves and negative feedback does the opposite, which ultimately affects behaviors and creates the cycle. When feedback from others is different from how we view ourselves, additional cycles may develop that impact self-esteem and self-concept.

Self-discrepancy theory states that people have beliefs about and expectations for their actual and potential selves that do not always match up with what they actually experience (Higgins, 1987). To understand this theory, we have to understand the different “selves” that make up our self-concept, which are the actual, ideal, and ought selves. The actual self consists of the attributes that you or someone else believes you actually possess. The ideal self consists of the attributes that you or someone else would like you to possess. The ought self consists of the attributes you or someone else believes you should possess.

These different selves can conflict with each other in various combinations. Discrepancies between the actual and ideal/ought selves can be motivating in some ways and prompt people to act for self-improvement. For example, if your ought self should volunteer more for the local animal shelter, then your actual self may be more inclined to do so. Discrepancies between the ideal and ought selves can be especially stressful. For example, many professional women who are also mothers have an ideal view of self that includes professional success and advancement. They may also have an ought self that includes a sense of duty and obligation to be a full-time mother. The actual self may be someone who does OK at both but doesn’t quite live up to the expectations of either. These discrepancies do not just create cognitive unease—they also lead to emotional, behavioral, and communicative changes.

People who feel that it’s their duty to recycle but do not actually do it will likely experience a discrepancy between their actual and ought selves.

Matt Martin – Recycle – CC BY-NC 2.0.

When we compare the actual self to the expectations of ourselves and others, we can see particular patterns of emotional and behavioral effects. When our actual self doesn’t match up with our own ideals of self, we are not obtaining our own desires and hopes, which can lead to feelings of dejection including disappointment, dissatisfaction, and frustration. For example, if your ideal self has no credit card debt and your actual self does, you may be frustrated with your lack of financial discipline and be motivated to stick to your budget and pay off your credit card bills.

When our actual self doesn’t match up with other people’s ideals for us, we may not be obtaining significant others’ desires and hopes, which can lead to feelings of dejection including shame, embarrassment, and concern for losing the affection or approval of others. For example, if a significant other sees you as an “A” student and you get a 2.8 GPA your first year of college, then you may be embarrassed to share your grades with that person.

When our actual self doesn’t match up with what we think other people think we should obtain, we are not living up to the ought self that we think others have constructed for us, which can lead to feelings of agitation, feeling threatened, and fearing potential punishment. For example, if your parents think you should follow in their footsteps and take over the family business, but your actual self wants to go into the military, then you may be unsure of what to do and fear being isolated from the family.

Finally, when our actual self doesn’t match up with what we think we should obtain, we are not meeting what we see as our duties or obligations, which can lead to feelings of agitation including guilt, weakness, and a feeling that we have fallen short of our moral standard (Higgins, 1987). For example, if your ought self should volunteer more for the local animal shelter, then your actual self may be more inclined to do so due to the guilt of reading about the increasing number of animals being housed at the facility. The following is a review of the four potential discrepancies between selves:

• Actual vs. own ideals. We have an overall feeling that we are not obtaining our desires and hopes, which leads to feelings of disappointment, dissatisfaction, and frustration.
• Actual vs. others’ ideals. We have an overall feeling that we are not obtaining significant others’ desires and hopes for us, which leads to feelings of shame and embarrassment.
• Actual vs. others’ ought. We have an overall feeling that we are not meeting what others see as our duties and obligations, which leads to feelings of agitation including fear of potential punishment.
• Actual vs. own ought. We have an overall feeling that we are not meeting our duties and obligations, which can lead to a feeling that we have fallen short of our own moral standards.

Influences on Self-Perception

We have already learned that other people influence our self-concept and self-esteem. While interactions we have with individuals and groups are definitely important to consider, we must also note the influence that larger, more systemic forces have on our self-perception. Social and family influences, culture, and the media all play a role in shaping who we think we are and how we feel about ourselves. Although these are powerful socializing forces, there are ways to maintain some control over our self-perception.

Social and Family Influences

Various forces help socialize us into our respective social and cultural groups and play a powerful role in presenting us with options about who we can be. While we may like to think that our self-perception starts with a blank canvas, our perceptions are limited by our experiences and various social and cultural contexts.

Parents and peers shape our self-perceptions in positive and negative ways. Feedback that we get from significant others, which includes close family, can lead to positive views of self (Hargie, 2011). In the past few years, however, there has been a public discussion and debate about how much positive reinforcement people should give to others, especially children. The following questions have been raised: Do we have current and upcoming generations that have been overpraised? Is the praise given warranted? What are the positive and negative effects of praise? What is the end goal of the praise? Let’s briefly look at this discussion and its connection to self-perception.

Some experts have warned that overpraising children can lead to distorted self-concepts.

Rain0975 – participation award – CC BY-ND 2.0.

Whether praise is warranted or not is very subjective and specific to each person and context, but in general there have been questions raised about the potential negative effects of too much praise. Motivation is the underlying force that drives us to do things. Sometimes we are intrinsically motivated, meaning we want to do something for the love of doing it or the resulting internal satisfaction. Other times we are extrinsically motivated, meaning we do something to receive a reward or avoid punishment. If you put effort into completing a short documentary for a class because you love filmmaking and editing, you have been largely motivated by intrinsic forces. If you complete the documentary because you want an “A” and know that if you fail your parents will not give you money for your spring break trip, then you are motivated by extrinsic factors. Both can, of course, effectively motivate us. Praise is a form of extrinsic reward, and if there is an actual reward associated with the praise, like money or special recognition, some people speculate that intrinsic motivation will suffer. But what’s so good about intrinsic motivation? Intrinsic motivation is more substantial and long-lasting than extrinsic motivation and can lead to the development of a work ethic and sense of pride in one’s abilities. Intrinsic motivation can move people to accomplish great things over long periods of time and be happy despite the effort and sacrifices made. Extrinsic motivation dies when the reward stops. Additionally, too much praise can lead people to have a misguided sense of their abilities. College professors who are reluctant to fail students who produce failing work may be setting those students up to be shocked when their supervisor critiques their abilities or output once they get into a professional context (Hargie, 2011).

There are cultural differences in the amount of praise and positive feedback that teachers and parents give their children. For example, teachers give less positive reinforcement in Japanese and Taiwanese classrooms than do teachers in US classrooms. Chinese and Kenyan parents do not regularly praise their children because they fear it may make them too individualistic, rude, or arrogant (Wierzbicka, 2004). So the phenomenon of overpraising isn’t universal, and the debate over its potential effects is not resolved.

Research has also found that communication patterns develop between parents and children that are common to many verbally and physically abusive relationships. Such patterns have negative effects on a child’s self-efficacy and self-esteem (Morgan & Wilson, 2007). As you’ll recall from our earlier discussion, attributions are links we make to identify the cause of a behavior. In the case of aggressive or abusive parents, they are not as able to distinguish between mistakes and intentional behaviors, often seeing honest mistakes as intended and reacting negatively to the child. Such parents also communicate generally negative evaluations to their child by saying, for example, “You can’t do anything right!” or “You’re a bad girl.” When children do exhibit positive behaviors, abusive parents are more likely to use external attributions that diminish the achievement of the child by saying, for example, “You only won because the other team was off their game.” In general, abusive parents have unpredictable reactions to their children’s positive and negative behavior, which creates an uncertain and often scary climate for a child that can lead to lower self-esteem and erratic or aggressive behavior. The cycles of praise and blame are just two examples of how the family as a socializing force can influence our self-perceptions. Culture also influences how we see ourselves.

How people perceive themselves varies across cultures. For example, many cultures exhibit a phenomenon known as the self-enhancement bias , meaning that we tend to emphasize our desirable qualities relative to other people (Loughnan et al., 2011). But the degree to which people engage in self-enhancement varies. A review of many studies in this area found that people in Western countries such as the United States were significantly more likely to self-enhance than people in countries such as Japan. Many scholars explain this variation using a common measure of cultural variation that claims people in individualistic cultures are more likely to engage in competition and openly praise accomplishments than people in collectivistic cultures. The difference in self-enhancement has also been tied to economics, with scholars arguing that people in countries with greater income inequality are more likely to view themselves as superior to others or want to be perceived as superior to others (even if they don’t have economic wealth) in order to conform to the country’s values and norms. This holds true because countries with high levels of economic inequality, like the United States, typically value competition and the right to boast about winning or succeeding, while countries with more economic equality, like Japan, have a cultural norm of modesty (Loughnan, 2011).

Race also plays a role in self-perception. For example, positive self-esteem and self-efficacy tend to be higher in African American adolescent girls than Caucasian girls (Stockton et al., 2009). In fact, more recent studies have discounted much of the early research on race and self-esteem that purported that African Americans of all ages have lower self-esteem than whites. Self-perception becomes more complex when we consider biracial individuals—more specifically those born to couples comprising an African American and a white parent (Bowles, 1993). In such cases, it is challenging for biracial individuals to embrace both of their heritages, and social comparison becomes more difficult due to diverse and sometimes conflicting reference groups. Since many biracial individuals identify as and are considered African American by society, living and working within a black community can help foster more positive self-perceptions in these biracial individuals. Such a community offers a more nurturing environment and a buffer zone from racist attitudes but simultaneously distances biracial individuals from their white identity. Conversely, immersion into a predominantly white community and separation from a black community can lead biracial individuals to internalize negative views of people of color and perhaps develop a sense of inferiority. Gender intersects with culture and biracial identity to create different experiences and challenges for biracial men and women. Biracial men have more difficulty accepting their potential occupational limits, especially if they have white fathers, and biracial women have difficulty accepting their black features, such as hair and facial features. All these challenges lead to a sense of being marginalized from both ethnic groups and interfere in the development of positive self-esteem and a stable self-concept.

Biracial individuals may have challenges with self-perception as they try to integrate both racial identities into their self-concept.

Javcon117* – End of Summer Innocence – CC BY-SA 2.0.

There are some general differences in terms of gender and self-perception that relate to self-concept, self-efficacy, and envisioning ideal selves. As with any cultural differences, these are generalizations that have been supported by research, but they do not represent all individuals within a group. Regarding self-concept, men are more likely to describe themselves in terms of their group membership, and women are more likely to include references to relationships in their self-descriptions. For example, a man may note that he is a Tarheel fan, a boat enthusiast, or a member of the Rotary Club, and a woman may note that she is a mother of two or a loyal friend.

Regarding self-efficacy, men tend to have higher perceptions of self-efficacy than women (Hargie, 2011). In terms of actual and ideal selves, men and women in a variety of countries both described their ideal self as more masculine (Best & Thomas, 2004). As was noted earlier, gender differences are interesting to study but are very often exaggerated beyond the actual variations. Socialization and internalization of societal norms for gender differences accounts for much more of our perceived differences than do innate or natural differences between genders. These gender norms may be explicitly stated—for example, a mother may say to her son, “Boys don’t play with dolls”—or they may be more implicit, with girls being encouraged to pursue historically feminine professions like teaching or nursing without others actually stating the expectation.

The representations we see in the media affect our self-perception. The vast majority of media images include idealized representations of attractiveness. Despite the fact that the images of people we see in glossy magazines and on movie screens are not typically what we see when we look at the people around us in a classroom, at work, or at the grocery store, many of us continue to hold ourselves to an unrealistic standard of beauty and attractiveness. Movies, magazines, and television shows are filled with beautiful people, and less attractive actors, when they are present in the media, are typically portrayed as the butt of jokes, villains, or only as background extras (Patzer, 2008). Aside from overall attractiveness, the media also offers narrow representations of acceptable body weight.

Researchers have found that only 12 percent of prime-time characters are overweight, which is dramatically less than the national statistics for obesity among the actual US population (Patzer, 2008). Further, an analysis of how weight is discussed on prime-time sitcoms found that heavier female characters were often the targets of negative comments and jokes that audience members responded to with laughter. Conversely, positive comments about women’s bodies were related to their thinness. In short, the heavier the character, the more negative the comments, and the thinner the character, the more positive the comments. The same researchers analyzed sitcoms for content regarding male characters’ weight and found that although comments regarding their weight were made, they were fewer in number and not as negative, ultimately supporting the notion that overweight male characters are more accepted in media than overweight female characters. Much more attention has been paid in recent years to the potential negative effects of such narrow media representations. The following “Getting Critical” box explores the role of media in the construction of body image.

In terms of self-concept, media representations offer us guidance on what is acceptable or unacceptable and valued or not valued in our society. Mediated messages, in general, reinforce cultural stereotypes related to race, gender, age, sexual orientation, ability, and class. People from historically marginalized groups must look much harder than those in the dominant groups to find positive representations of their identities in media. As a critical thinker, it is important to question media messages and to examine who is included and who is excluded.

Advertising in particular encourages people to engage in social comparison, regularly communicating to us that we are inferior because we lack a certain product or that we need to change some aspect of our life to keep up with and be similar to others. For example, for many years advertising targeted to women instilled in them a fear of having a dirty house, selling them products that promised to keep their house clean, make their family happy, and impress their friends and neighbors. Now messages tell us to fear becoming old or unattractive, selling products to keep our skin tight and clear, which will in turn make us happy and popular.

“Getting Critical”

Body Image and Self-Perception

Take a look at any magazine, television show, or movie and you will most likely see very beautiful people. When you look around you in your daily life, there are likely not as many glamorous and gorgeous people. Scholars and media critics have critiqued this discrepancy for decades because it has contributed to many social issues and public health issues ranging from body dysmorphic disorder, to eating disorders, to lowered self-esteem.

Much of the media is driven by advertising, and the business of media has been to perpetuate a “culture of lack” (Dworkin & Wachs, 2009). This means that we are constantly told, via mediated images, that we lack something. In short, advertisements often tell us we don’t have enough money, enough beauty, or enough material possessions. Over the past few decades, women’s bodies in the media have gotten smaller and thinner, while men’s bodies have gotten bigger and more muscular. At the same time, the US population has become dramatically more obese. As research shows that men and women are becoming more and more dissatisfied with their bodies, which ultimately affects their self-concept and self-esteem, health and beauty product lines proliferate and cosmetic surgeries and other types of enhancements become more and more popular. From young children to older adults, people are becoming more aware of and oftentimes unhappy with their bodies, which results in a variety of self-perception problems.

• How do you think the media influences your self-perception and body image?
• Describe the typical man that is portrayed in the media. Describe the typical woman that is portrayed in the media. What impressions do these typical bodies make on others? What are the potential positive and negative effects of the way the media portrays the human body?
• Find an example of an “atypical” body represented in the media (a magazine, TV show, or movie). Is this person presented in a positive, negative, or neutral way? Why do you think this person was chosen?

Self-Presentation

How we perceive ourselves manifests in how we present ourselves to others. Self-presentation is the process of strategically concealing or revealing personal information in order to influence others’ perceptions (Human et al., 2012). We engage in this process daily and for different reasons. Although people occasionally intentionally deceive others in the process of self-presentation, in general we try to make a good impression while still remaining authentic. Since self-presentation helps meet our instrumental, relational, and identity needs, we stand to lose quite a bit if we are caught intentionally misrepresenting ourselves. In May of 2012, Yahoo!’s CEO resigned after it became known that he stated on official documents that he had two college degrees when he actually only had one. In a similar incident, a woman who had long served as the dean of admissions for the prestigious Massachusetts Institute of Technology was dismissed from her position after it was learned that she had only attended one year of college and had falsely indicated she had a bachelor’s and master’s degree (Webber & Korn, 2012). Such incidents clearly show that although people can get away with such false self-presentation for a while, the eventual consequences of being found out are dire. As communicators, we sometimes engage in more subtle forms of inauthentic self-presentation. For example, a person may state or imply that they know more about a subject or situation than they actually do in order to seem smart or “in the loop.” During a speech, a speaker works on a polished and competent delivery to distract from a lack of substantive content. These cases of strategic self-presentation may not ever be found out, but communicators should still avoid them as they do not live up to the standards of ethical communication.

Consciously and competently engaging in self-presentation can have benefits because we can provide others with a more positive and accurate picture of who we are. People who are skilled at impression management are typically more engaging and confident, which allows others to pick up on more cues from which to form impressions (Human et al., 2012). Being a skilled self-presenter draws on many of the practices used by competent communicators, including becoming a higher self-monitor. When self-presentation skills and self-monitoring skills combine, communicators can simultaneously monitor their own expressions, the reaction of others, and the situational and social context (Sosik, Avolio, & Jung, 2002). Sometimes people get help with their self-presentation. Although most people can’t afford or wouldn’t think of hiring an image consultant, some people have started generously donating their self-presentation expertise to help others. Many people who have been riding the tough job market for a year or more get discouraged and may consider giving up on their job search.

People who have been out of work for a while may have difficulty finding the motivation to engage in the self-presentation behaviors needed to form favorable impressions.

Steve Petrucelli – Interview Time! – CC BY-NC-ND 2.0.

There are two main types of self-presentation: prosocial and self-serving (Sosik, Avolio, & Jung, 2002). Prosocial self-presentation entails behaviors that present a person as a role model and make a person more likable and attractive. For example, a supervisor may call on her employees to uphold high standards for business ethics, model that behavior in her own actions, and compliment others when they exemplify those standards. Self-serving self-presentation entails behaviors that present a person as highly skilled, willing to challenge others, and someone not to be messed with. For example, a supervisor may publicly take credit for the accomplishments of others or publicly critique an employee who failed to meet a particular standard. In summary, prosocial strategies are aimed at benefiting others, while self-serving strategies benefit the self at the expense of others.

In general, we strive to present a public image that matches up with our self-concept, but we can also use self-presentation strategies to enhance our self-concept (Hargie, 2011). When we present ourselves in order to evoke a positive evaluative response, we are engaging in self-enhancement. In the pursuit of self-enhancement, a person might try to be as appealing as possible in a particular area or with a particular person to gain feedback that will enhance one’s self-esteem. For example, a singer might train and practice for weeks before singing in front of a well-respected vocal coach but not invest as much effort in preparing to sing in front of friends. Although positive feedback from friends is beneficial, positive feedback from an experienced singer could enhance a person’s self-concept. Self-enhancement can be productive and achieved competently, or it can be used inappropriately. Using self-enhancement behaviors just to gain the approval of others or out of self-centeredness may lead people to communicate in ways that are perceived as phony or overbearing and end up making an unfavorable impression (Sosik, Avolio, & Jung, 2002).

“Getting Plugged In”

Self-Presentation Online: Social Media, Digital Trails, and Your Reputation

Although social networking has long been a way to keep in touch with friends and colleagues, the advent of social media has made the process of making connections and those all-important first impressions much more complex. Just looking at Facebook as an example, we can clearly see that the very acts of constructing a profile, posting status updates, “liking” certain things, and sharing various information via Facebook features and apps is self-presentation (Kim & Lee, 2011). People also form impressions based on the number of friends we have and the photos and posts that other people tag us in. All this information floating around can be difficult to manage. So how do we manage the impressions we make digitally given that there is a permanent record?

Research shows that people overall engage in positive and honest self-presentation on Facebook (Kim & Lee, 2011). Since people know how visible the information they post is, they may choose to only reveal things they think will form favorable impressions. But the mediated nature of Facebook also leads some people to disclose more personal information than they might otherwise in such a public or semipublic forum. These hyperpersonal disclosures run the risk of forming negative impressions based on who sees them. In general, the ease of digital communication, not just on Facebook, has presented new challenges for our self-control and information management. Sending someone a sexually provocative image used to take some effort before the age of digital cameras, but now “sexting” an explicit photo only takes a few seconds. So people who would have likely not engaged in such behavior before are more tempted to now, and it is the desire to present oneself as desirable or cool that leads people to send photos they may later regret (DiBlasio, 2012). In fact, new technology in the form of apps is trying to give people a little more control over the exchange of digital information. An iPhone app called “Snapchat” allows users to send photos that will only be visible for a few seconds. Although this isn’t a guaranteed safety net, the demand for such apps is increasing, which illustrates the point that we all now leave digital trails of information that can be useful in terms of our self-presentation but can also create new challenges in terms of managing the information floating around from which others may form impressions of us.

• What impressions do you want people to form of you based on the information they can see on your Facebook page?
• Have you ever used social media or the Internet to do “research” on a person? What things would you find favorable and unfavorable?
• Do you have any guidelines you follow regarding what information about yourself you will put online or not? If so, what are they? If not, why?

Key Takeaways

• Our self-concept is the overall idea of who we think we are. It is developed through our interactions with others and through social comparison that allows us to compare our beliefs and behaviors to others.
• Our self-esteem is based on the evaluations and judgments we make about various characteristics of our self-concept. It is developed through an assessment and evaluation of our various skills and abilities, known as self-efficacy, and through a comparison and evaluation of who we are, who we would like to be, and who we should be (self-discrepancy theory).
• Social comparison theory and self-discrepancy theory affect our self-concept and self-esteem because through comparison with others and comparison of our actual, ideal, and ought selves we make judgments about who we are and our self-worth. These judgments then affect how we communicate and behave.
• Socializing forces like family, culture, and media affect our self-perception because they give us feedback on who we are. This feedback can be evaluated positively or negatively and can lead to positive or negative patterns that influence our self-perception and then our communication.
• Self-presentation refers to the process of strategically concealing and/or revealing personal information in order to influence others’ perceptions. Prosocial self-presentation is intended to benefit others and self-serving self-presentation is intended to benefit the self at the expense of others. People also engage in self-enhancement, which is a self-presentation strategy by which people intentionally seek out positive evaluations.
• Make a list of characteristics that describe who you are (your self-concept). After looking at the list, see if you can come up with a few words that summarize the list to narrow in on the key features of your self-concept. Go back over the first list and evaluate each characteristic, for example noting whether it is something you do well/poorly, something that is good/bad, positive/negative, desirable/undesirable. Is the overall list more positive or more negative? After doing these exercises, what have you learned about your self-concept and self-esteem?
• Discuss at least one time in which you had a discrepancy or tension between two of the three selves described by self-discrepancy theory (the actual, ideal, and ought selves). What effect did this discrepancy have on your self-concept and/or self-esteem?
• Take one of the socializing forces discussed (family, culture, or media) and identify at least one positive and one negative influence that it/they have had on your self-concept and/or self-esteem.
• Getting integrated: Discuss some ways that you might strategically engage in self-presentation to influence the impressions of others in an academic, a professional, a personal, and a civic context.

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Webber, L., and Melissa Korn, “Yahoo’s CEO among Many Notable Resume Flaps,” Wall Street Journal Blogs , May 7, 2012, accessed June 9, 2012, http://blogs.wsj.com/digits/2012/05/07/yahoos-ceo-among-many-notable-resume-flaps .

Wierzbicka, A., “The English Expressions Good Boy and Good Girl and Cultural Models of Child Rearing,” Culture and Psychology 10, no. 3 (2004): 251–78.

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Factors That Affect Our Perception of Someone

How we form perceptions of somone.

• Social Categorization
• Potential Pitfalls

Implicit Personality Theories

Whenever we form a perception of someone, a number of processes allow us to make quick decisions that help us navigate our social worlds. Person perception is a term used in social psychology to describe the mental processes that we use to form impressions of other people. This includes not just how we form these impressions, but the different conclusions we make about other people based on our impressions.

Consider how often you make this kind of judgment every day. When you meet with a new co-worker, you begin to develop an initial impression of this person. When you visit the grocery store after work, you form an impression of the cashier, even though you know very little about them.

At a Glance

Various factors, including the situation, past experiences, and societal expectations can influence our perception of someone. Person perception allows us to make snap judgments and decisions but can lead to biased or stereotyped perceptions of others.

Let's take a closer look at how person perception works and its impact on our daily interactions.

Obviously, person perception is a very subjective process that can be affected by many variables. Factors that can influence the impressions you form of other people include:

• The characteristics of the person you are observing
• The context of the situation
• Your own personal traits
• Your past experiences

Social Norms and Role Expectations

People often form impressions of others very quickly, with only minimal information. We frequently base our impressions on the roles and social norms we expect from people.

For example, you might form an impression of a city bus driver based on how you would anticipate a person in that role to behave, considering individual personality characteristics only after you have formed this initial impression.

Physical Cues

Physical cues can also play an important role. If you see a woman dressed in a professional-looking suit, you might immediately assume that she works in a formal setting, perhaps at a law firm or bank.

The salience of the information we perceive is also important. Generally, we tend to focus on the most obvious points rather than noting background information.

The more novel or obvious a factor is, the more likely we are to focus on it. If you see a woman dressed in a tailored suit with her hair styled in a bright pink mohawk, you are likely to pay more attention to her unusual hairstyle than her sensible business attire.

How Social Categorization Affects Your Perception of Someone

One of the mental shortcuts we use in person perception is social categorization. In this process, we mentally categorize people into different groups based on common characteristics.

Sometimes, this process occurs consciously, but for the most part, social categorizations happen automatically and unconsciously. The most common social categories are age, gender, occupation, and race.

Pitfalls of Social Categorization

As with many mental shortcuts, social categorization has positive and negative aspects. On the plus side, social categorization allows you to make rapid judgments. Realistically, you simply do not have time to get to know every person you come into contact with.

Social categorization allows you to make decisions and establish expectations of how people will behave quickly, allowing you to focus on other things. Unfortunately, this can also lead to errors, as well as to stereotyping or even prejudice .

Imagine that you are getting on a bus. There are only two seats available. One is next to a petite, elderly woman; the other is next to a burly, grim-faced man. Based on your immediate impression, you sit next to the elderly woman, who, unfortunately, turns out to be quite skilled at picking pockets.

Because of social categorization, you immediately judged the woman as harmless and the man as threatening, leading to the loss of your wallet. While social categorization can be useful at times, it can also lead to these kinds of misjudgments.

An implicit personality theory is a collection of beliefs and assumptions about how certain traits are linked to other characteristics and behaviors. Once we know something about a cardinal trait or a primary trait that makes up the core of a person's personality, we assume that the person also exhibits other traits commonly linked to that key characteristic.

For example, if you observe that a new co-worker is very happy , you might immediately assume that they are also friendly, kind, and generous. As with social categorization, implicit personality theories help people make judgments quickly but can also contribute to stereotyping and errors.

What This Means For You

There are many factors that affect our perceptions of someone, including the situation, individual characteristics, our personality traits, and our past experiences. Two common tactics that can influence how we perceive others include social categorization and our own implicit personality theories.

Becoming more aware of how these processes work and their shortcomings can help ensure that you make accurate (and fair) assessments of others.

Brooks JA, Freeman JB. Neuroimaging of person perception: A social-visual interface . Neurosci Lett. 2019;693:40-43. doi:10.1016/j.neulet.2017.12.046

Young AW, Bruce V. Understanding person perception . Br J Psychol. 2011;102(4):959-974. doi:10.1111/j.2044-8295.2011.02045.x

Stolier RM, Freeman JB. A neural mechanism of social categorization . J Neurosci. 2017;37(23):5711-5721. doi:10.1523/JNEUROSCI.3334-16.2017

Freeman JB, Johnson KL. More than meets the eye: Split-second social perception . Trends Cogn Sci (Regul Ed) . 2016;20(5):362-374. doi:10.1016/j.tics.2016.03.003

Noguchi K, Kamada A, Shrira I. Cultural differences in the primacy effect for person perception . Int J Psychol. 2014;49(3):208-210. doi:10.1002/ijop.12019

Bargh JA, Chen M, Burrows L. Automaticity of social behavior: Direct effects of trait construct and stereotype-activation on action .  J Pers Soc Psychol . 1996;71(2):230‐244. doi:10.1037//0022-3514.71.2.230

By Kendra Cherry, MSEd Kendra Cherry, MS, is a psychosocial rehabilitation specialist, psychology educator, and author of the "Everything Psychology Book."

Amy Rees Anderson

“how others see you isn’t important, how you see yourself means everything”.

You cannot control who will like you, who will vilify you, who will speak kindly of you, who will judge you, who will love you, who will treat you unfairly, who will support you, who will spread lies about you, or who will be your biggest fan. We literally cannot control how any other person is going to feel, think, or treat us. When we come to recognize that as an actual fact, we can turn our focus to the only thing in this life that we actually can control, and that is how we feel about ourselves.

“Be proud of who you are, and not ashamed of how someone else sees you.”

I learned that lesson many years ago after going through a series of very difficult events in my life. I had come through a very unhappy marriage, a difficult divorce, a rough time in my professional life, and strained relations with certain members of my family. I had spent years trying to please other people, wanting them to recognize the good in me. I had spent years trying to be smart enough, or pretty enough, or skinny enough, or nice enough, or successful enough, or good enough, and all those other ‘enoughs’ that people were expecting from me. Yet, as hard as I tried, there was always someone who would tell me that I wasn’t enough, and my view of myself would fall completely apart. I would feel horrible about myself. I would feel sad and discouraged and I would allow myself to believe that someone else’s view of me was, in fact, true, rather than looking in the mirror and knowing for myself who that girl was that was staring back at me.

“How others see you isn’t important, how you see yourself means everything”

By seeking other people’s approval of me I had literally given away my ability to control knowing who I was. I had given up all ability to control my own happiness by placing that power in the hands of anyone who wanted to form opinions about me. I felt helpless. Then one day a wise counselor helped me to see that as long as I cared about what other people thought of me I was never going to have true confidence in myself, because I literally could not control other people’s judgments about me, and the fact is that other people are never equipped to pass fair judgment on us because they are not God, and God is the only one equipped to pass fair judgments. The counselor helped me to realize that I needed to let go completely of caring or worrying about what anyone else thought about me and start focusing entirely on what I thought of myself. I had to first block out everyone else’s opinions of me and instead focus all my attention on being the girl I wanted God to see in me. God is the only person I needed to worry about pleasing, and pleasing Him is something I had total control over. Suddenly I no longer felt helpless.

My life changed drastically after that. I began to live my life focused on doing the best I could each day. I no longer needed to compete with anyone else because God isn’t going to judge me on a comparative basis to anyone else. God is going to judge me on whether I do my best to become more and more like Him; not on if I become what someone else thinks I should be. God is going to judge me on whether I pick myself up after making mistakes, learn from my mistakes, and move forward as a better person determined not to make that same mistake again; not on if I was a perfect person. God is going to judge me on my efforts; not the outcome of my efforts. God is going to judge me on making the most of my gifts and talents; not on a comparison with other people’s talents. God is going to judge me on how He feels about me; not on how other people think, talk, or feel about me. As I focused all my efforts on only pleasing God and letting go of what anyone else though, my entire life changed. The distractions and discouragements of others that had held me back previously went away. My confidence grew and my talents and abilities blossomed in ways I could never have imagined. My life is full of blessings beyond measure in every aspect, but most of all I have been blessed with the feeling of peace that comes from understanding that God’s opinion is the only opinion that I need to focus on.

There will always be those people in the world who take pleasure in telling you that you are not enough. Those people who would tell you that do so because they themselves don’t feel like enough, and their insecurity demands that they drag others down into a state of misery with them. The fact is that they simply cannot judge whether you are enough or not, because they are not God. And only you know where your own relationship with God stands – nobody else. Only you control improving that relationship. All it takes is being the best person you can be each day, growing and learning and improving along the way. The best part is that God doesn’t play favorites in who He will love, God doesn’t get fickle when it comes to being proud of you, God doesn’t decide the quota of good people is filled and therefore you can’t make it into the “good group”, God would never tell you that you are not enough – He knows that you are enough because you are his child and by birthright you have the ability to be everything if you just focus on being the very best that you can be. ~Amy

18 Comments

I truly love you and your family. You have made me a better me, and I like the better me.

“How others see you isn’t important, how you see yourself means everything”……I think that we all could use this advice starting at age 1….lol…Amy!! However it is very hard for many, including myself, to not worry about how we are perceived in this world. As we all want to be accepted and respected with our friends, peers, and family yet as we have all found out it will be long and far between. for that “good job”. So the best way to start off is by making those times shorter, so Amy, “Good Job” on writing your blogs that make a difference in my life and so many others. Have a magical week!!

This is a great article. Everyone needs a break and a “Balcony Person” in their lives to show them what lies inside of them that they can’t themselves see and fall victim to what “Basement People” comment and criticize.

Shed the counsel of the “basement people” and listen to the “Balcony People” in your lives that are affirmative and not evaluative

[Look up Balcony People by Joyce Landorf Heatherley (Oct 1989)]

Look out and there is one special “Balcony Person” in your life and sometimes in your own backyard close to you.

Good Luck now and congratulations Amy for coming through the fire in life.

I love reading your blog! It always inspires me ! Thank you! 🙂

A very interesting point you made there Amy. I believe I am and was one of those who took others opinion about me seriously. Through your article I realize how important it is to be true to yourself and believe in GOD. The idea is believing in yourself the rest the universe does for you! 🙂

Thanks once again for sharing with us this story.

This design is wicked! You obviously know how to keep a reader entertained. Between your wit and your videos, I was almost moved to start my own blog (well, almost…HaHa!) Excellent job. I really loved what you had to say, and more than that, how you presented it. Too cool!

Many thanks to you and your article. I feel peaceful after reading it and it is inspirational. “How Others See You Isn’t Important, How You See Yourself Means Everything”is a smart quote

Its really nice one..i loved it

So Peace giving and inspirational I loved it!!!

Thank you for your wisdom

Thanks for your wisdom

Thanks for article but after read it I nothing

Excellent article.

Hi Amy! Thanks for this! Is it okay if I will repost this on our page? 🙂

I like this ❤❤

Due to a lot of things, I’ve been wrestling with “How does God see me” vs “How do others see me” vs “How do I see myself.” An angry family member has falsely accused me of planning to do something wrong and aligned other family members. He is younger and has a lot going for him: position as the baby in the family, personality, power, etc. In comparison I have nothing. Yet when I tried defending myself or pointed out nice things I’ve done for others in the family I was told “You think you’re perfect. You’re self-righteous. You have no self-awareness.” Several weeks prior to this angry rant I was told “You have a good heart.”

As a Christian I wonder if I even had any kind of positive testimony with my siblings. Apparently not. I questioned that maybe I really don’t see myself correctly. Am I really the self-righteous person she (my sister) accused me of being? And how does God see me? As a failure?

I found your article in a moment of sadness…which I know will pass, with God’s Grace. Thank you for writing and posting it. I feel like God meant for me to find it and know that you, and others have gone through similar trials and come out on the other side, stronger in your faith and relationship with Him…and others.

Wow! Found this while researching keywords for an article. This is such good thought, and it’s helped me. Thank you for the spiritual food. God bless you.

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How You Perceive Others Reveals Who You Are

Falcon kestrel

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Like everyone else you also have a lot of perceptions about a lot of people. But do you know that how you perceive others, is a reflection of who you are?

“We meet ourselves time and again in a thousand disguises on the path of life.”-Carl Jung

Different people view different things around them differently. And this fact remains unchanged when we try to find out their views about a person of their common acquaintance. All of them are likely to present a different perspective of that person. While one might perceive them as friendly and cordial another may consider them as unintelligent, immature, and irresponsible. This makes us wonder which perception is correct.

The way every individual perceives the person in question, tells us about these individuals rather than about the person they are expressing their views on.

This means the way we perceive others has nothing to do with them, it has everything to do with us. We create a perception about others depending on the type of relationship we have with ourselves and the characteristics of our personality. Our ego prevents us from finding faults in ourselves and tries to look outside to find an object to thrust the blame. By doing so they are only identifying their own traits in others.

This can be understood from a situation when a person feels that another person is jealous of them.

But unless they haven’t felt the pangs of jealousy themselves, they cannot identify it in others. So, when we recognize certain traits in others, we are able to do so because we possess those traits or have possessed them in the past. By blaming others we just want to ignore our own negative traits, but doing so will be of little help to us. When we are able to accept the fact, that our opinions and judgments are nothing but the reflection of our ego and the person we perceive negatively has nothing to do with it, we are offered the opportunity to use every reaction to get rid of our own demons.

“What angers us in another person is more often than not an unhealed aspect of ourselves. If we had already resolved that particular issue, we would not be irritated by its reflection back to us.”- Simon Peter Fuller, author.

The way we feel about others is the key that can open the secret world which has the answer to what we are and why we are. When we know these basic answers, we are able to form a true relationship with our inner self. If we can focus on who, or what makes us react in a strongly emotional manner, we can use the knowledge to heal ourselves. Negative reactions have only two meanings.

One of the meanings is we want others to behave in a particular manner or we are attached to certain ideas or beliefs about how things should be.

This tells us that we want to thrust our thinking on others when no one is forced to behave as per our wish. The moment we stop accepting people as they are and judge them in light of our expectations, we are ignoring the reality of the present moment.

Want to know more about the perception? Read 5 Steps To Change the Way You Perceive Yourself

The other truth relates to our ego which stops us from pointing our own faults, so we continuously attempt to find those in others. This reaction is nothing but a clue that we need to correct the negative things because they lie within us and not in others. As Carl Jung puts it, “When an inner situation is not made conscious, it appears outside as fate. “- Carl Jung.

We like to console ourselves by blaming our circumstances for the way we react.

Since we don’t want to introspect ; the hidden things in our mind try to expose their presence through external circumstances and people. When we realize that the problem actually lies within us, the light of awareness illuminates those parts of our being, that our ego doesn’t allow us and others to see which will help us to overcome these traits.

Those parts that we are so used to hide should be cured and that is possible when we promise to be 100% honest to ourselves. If anger storms your mind, let yourself feel the anger, if fear approaches you, accept it.

The point is to be aware of these feelings without judging ourselves as ‘good’ or ‘bad’ because those emotions have invaded our minds. When we do this, only then we will be able to accept and love those parts of ourselves that we want to hide so badly.

It’s not easy to always consider ourselves as the ‘problem’ when we want to point fingers at others so much. But, the truth is, it is the most empowering thing. When we identify ourselves as the problem, finding the solution will be effortless because it lies within us.

If our ego is not allowing us to see the shady parts of our personality and that inspires us to see others in a bad light, we gain the power to turn the situation by just healing the parts of ourselves that identify and resonate with the same issues in them.

When it so happens that we begin to see ourselves in others around us, we start building an honest and true relationship with our own being. This helps us to give rise to awareness and makes us calm, confident, and accepting of every aspect of our personality. Creating a loving relationship with ourselves changes our perspective to all the external things. We start seeing the same positive traits which we have now been able to cultivate in our self. Those people or things which used to ignite a strong negative emotion in us will now be dealt with compassion and forgiveness.

We are truly able to heal our relationships with others and consequently change them for better when we change and our internal relationship— the relationship with our own being.

If you want to know more about what how you perceive others is a reflection of who you are as a person, then check this video out below:

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It’s not simply about being creative, it’s more about being aware about what could be, rather than what is. So, are you ready to know more about what is extraverted intuition and some extraverted intuition signs?

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How Do Others See and Experience You?

Three ways to match intention with impact.

Posted October 23, 2014

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Third, compare your ideal impact with the actual impact you discovered by gathering feedback. Look closely at the areas where you are right on target for strengths you can further leverage. Any areas with gaps represent your own professional blind spots. Armed with that knowledge, you can work to close those gaps and actively improve the impact you have on others. Simply being aware of your blind spots and unique differentiators will help you make the small changes that can make a big difference in your career success.

Wondering exactly how to implement this strategy? I often help my clients get started on the process with some impact measurement tools – reflective questions that help in setting personal impact goals and feedback questions that guide the process of approaching others to determine their perceptions. If you’d like to receive a free copy of this resource, just send me an email at [email protected] .

Sara Canaday is the author of You, According to Them: Uncovering The Blind Spots That Can Impact Your Reputation and Your Career.

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How to Answer the “How Would Someone Else Describe You?” Interview Question

Published: Jun 19, 2019

You know that the first thing an interviewer is going to ask you is, “Tell me about yourself.” That’s just what interviewers do. But at some point, many interviewers will flip the question: “How would your friends/coworkers/boss describe you?” And that’s an altogether different question. You know what you’re like, but how do other people perceive you? Ultimately, their takeaways matter quite a bit. So how do you answer this interview question? I’m going to break it down by potential describer and see what your interviewer is really asking.

Your Friends

I love my friends dearly, but they are not the people that I would ask to describe me to a potential future employer. The prevailing opinion would probably be, “She’s a loudmouth who watches too much TV and uses all caps in texts a lot.” Accurate, but not the professional identity I’m attempting to cultivate. I can imagine the same goes for a lot of friends’ relationships—so why are hiring managers asking? Because they want to know what you’re like “in real life.” They want to see if you’ll be a cultural fit for the company—if the office is a pretty competitive place, they might not be looking for someone whose friends would describe them as “chill.” Likewise, if the office is laid back, they may not be looking for a “gunner.”

In this situation, I would advise choosing qualities of yourself that are universally likeable—something that would make spending an eight-hour day with you seem like a good idea. There’s a 99 percent chance you’re a very nice person who’s a pleasure to be around, so don’t get modest for this one. I also usually end it with a joke, since friends always know more about you then you’d normally tell an employer, and your interviewer knows this. As an example, my go-to response is usually, “They’d probably describe me as straightforward and flexible, with a good sense of humor. They’d also probably warn you that I’m overly competitive at pub quiz.” A joke like that can ease any tension in the room and provide another channel of conversation with your interviewer.

Your Coworkers

The person you are at work and the person you are with friends is likely not exactly the same person. I’m not saying that we all live secret double lives, but some compartmentalization between work and home is natural. When an interviewer asks what your coworkers would say about you, they’re really asking two things: What are you like at work, and what are you like to work with? This question is a bit different than what your friends would think because it invites you to share specific situations. No one needs specific stories about your personal life, but interviewers definitely want examples of your work style.

In this situation, pick one to three traits to cover, and have examples to back them up. For example, “My coworkers would probably describe me as very organized—I’m usually the one people check with to confirm when meetings and deadlines are because they know that my calendar is always up to date.” Or, “My coworkers would call me a team player—I’m always happy to help out if someone’s feeling under the gun, even if it’s not something normally in my job description.” Answers like these give your interviewer a sense of how you’ll fit with your potential new team, and example situations demonstrate the concrete value you’ll bring with you if you’re hired.

The way that your boss would describe you is probably different than your coworkers would—the two of you have a different working relationship. And the way that people interact with their bosses can be very revealing—what you talk about when you discuss your boss is very important, so this is the question that holds the biggest potential for risk.

First things first, you should never, ever, ever bad-mouth your boss. A sarcastic answer like, “He’d say I’m a good cog in the machine, if he remembered my name,” is a HUGE no-no. I don’t care how bad your boss is, you don’t say that: a) it’s bad form and b) word gets around—for all you know, your interviewer and your boss are golf buds. Even if they’re not, no one wants to work with someone with a negative attitude—answer this question like that, and you will not be getting called back.

I sincerely hope your boss is a wonderful person and you have nothing but nice things to say about them, because this question is definitely a chance to show that you appreciate them. You don’t need to gush, but you can certainly pay a compliment. For example, “My boss is great—she’s really taken the time to help me understand the various aspects of SEO and social media. So she’d probably tell you that I’m intellectually curious and invested in growing my knowledge base.” One thing you could also do is mention a positive performance review you received: “In my last performance review, my boss said that my contributions to our latest social media campaign were invaluable; I really appreciate how she always acknowledges my hard work.” Answers like these show that you have a positive attitude, that you have a good relationship with your colleagues, and that you engage in your field in a meaningful way.

Other people’s perceptions of you are, for better or worse, very important in a job search. That’s why interviewers ask questions like these. They want to know what you think of yourself and what you believe you’re putting out there into the world. So be positive, stay confident, and don’t let a question like this one rattle you!

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How Are You Perceived at Work? Here’s an Exercise to Find Out

• Kristi Hedges

Ask five people two questions.

All too often, people struggle to understand how they are perceived by those around them. To get a clearer picture of how people really see you, the author suggests following this four-step process. First, select five people who see you repeatedly in relevant work situations, such as bosses, executives, direct reports, peers, or even former colleagues. Second, ask for a face-to-face meeting. Be clear that you’ll keep whatever the person tells you confidential, which will encourage honesty, and that you’ll be collecting feedback from several people to find themes, in order to lessen the burden on any one individual. Third, during the meetings, ask about what people’s general perception of you is, and what you could do differently that would have the greatest impact on your success. Finally, manage your reaction. Once you’ve done completed this process with several people, you can start to look for patterns in their responses and make a commitment to change.

It’s not easy to understand how other people perceive us. We are often uncertain, confused, or even completely unaware of what we project. And this lack of self-awareness can be career-limiting.

• KH Kristi Hedges is a senior leadership coach who specializes in executive communications and the author of The Inspiration Code:How the Best Leaders Energize People Every Day and The Power of Presence: Unlock Your Potential to Influence and Engage Others . She’s the president of The Hedges Company and a faculty member in Georgetown University’s Institute for Transformational Leadership.

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