open honest and direct in speech or writing

Directness in Speech and Writing

Glossary of Grammatical and Rhetorical Terms

• An Introduction to Punctuation
• Ph.D., Rhetoric and English, University of Georgia
• M.A., Modern English and American Literature, University of Leicester
• B.A., English, State University of New York

In speech and writing , directness is the quality of being straightforward and concise : stating a main point early and clearly without embellishments or digressions . Directness contrasts with circumlocution , verbosity , and indirectness .

There are different degrees of directness, which are determined in part by social and cultural conventions. In order to communicate  effectively with a particular audience , a speaker or writer needs to maintain a balance between directness and politeness . 

Examples and Observations

• "The whole world will tell you, if you care to ask, that your words should be simple & direct . Everybody likes the other fellow's prose plain . It has even been said that we should write as we speak. That is absurd. ... Most speaking is not plain or direct, but vague, clumsy, confused, and wordy. ... What is meant by the advice to write as we speak is to write as we might speak if we spoke extremely well. This means that good writing should not sound stuffy, pompous, highfalutin, totally unlike ourselves, but rather, well—'simple & direct.' "Now, the simple words in the language tend to be the short ones that we assume all speakers know; and if familiar, they are likely to be direct. I say 'tend to be' and 'likely' because there are exceptions. ... "Prefer the short word to the long; the concrete to the abstract; and the familiar to the unfamiliar. But: "Modify these guidelines in the light of the occasion, the full situation, which includes the likely audience for your words." (Jacques Barzun, Simple & Direct: A Rhetoric for Writers , 4th ed. Harper Perennial, 2001)
• Revising for Directness "Academic audiences value directness and intensity. They do not want to struggle through overly wordy phrases and jumbled sentences. ... Examine your draft . Focus specifically on the following issues: 1. Delete the obvious: Consider statements or passages that argue for or detail what you and your peers already assume. ... 2. Intensify the least obvious: Think about your essay as a declaration of new ideas. What is the most uncommon or fresh idea? Even if it's a description of the problem or a slightly different take on solving it, develop it further. Draw more attention to it." (John Mauk and John Metz,  The Composition of Everyday Life: A Guide to Writing , 5th ed. Cengage, 2015)
• Degrees of Directness "Statements may be strong and direct or they may be softer and less direct. For example, consider the range of sentences that might be used to direct a person to take out the garbage: Take out the garbage! Can you take out the garbage? Would you mind taking out the garbage? Let's take out the garbage. The garbage sure is piling up. Garbage day is tomorrow. "Each of these sentences may be used to accomplish the goal of getting the person to take out the garbage. However, the sentences show varying degrees of directness, ranging from the direct command at the top of the list to the indirect statement regarding the reason the activity needs to be undertaken at the bottom of the list. The sentences also differ in terms of relative politeness and situational appropriateness. ... "In matters of directness vs. indirectness, gender differences may play a more important role than factors such as ethnicity, social class, or region, although all these factors tend to intersect, often in quite complex ways, in the determination of the 'appropriate' degree of directness or indirectness for any given speech act ." (Walt Wolfram and Natalie Schilling-Estes, American English: Dialects and Variation . Wiley-Blackwell, 2006)
• Directness and Gender "While some of us will think that without the skills of 'good' writing a student cannot truly be empowered, we must be equally aware that the qualities of 'good' writing as they are advocated in textbooks and rhetoric books —  directness , assertiveness and persuasiveness , precision and vigor—collide with what social conventions dictate proper femininity to be. Even should a woman succeed at being a 'good' writer she will have to contend with either being considered too masculine because she does not speak 'like a Lady,' or, paradoxically, too feminine and hysterical because she is, after all, a woman. The belief that the qualities that make good writing are somehow 'neutral' conceals the fact their meaning and evaluation changes depending on whether the writer is a man or woman." (Elisabeth Daumer and Sandra Runzo, "Transforming the Composition Classroom."  Teaching Writing: Pedagogy, Gender, and Equity , ed. by Cynthia L. Caywood and Gillian R. Overing. State University of New York Press, 1987)
• Directness and Cultural Differences "The U.S. style of directness and forcefulness would be perceived as rude or unfair in, say, Japan, China, Malaysia, or Korea. A hard-sell letter to an Asian reader would be a sign of arrogance, and arrogance suggests inequality for the reader." (Philip C. Kolin, Successful Writing at Work . Cengage, 2009)

Pronunciation: de-REK-ness

• The Top 20 Figures of Speech
• Emma Watson's 2014 Speech on Gender Equality
• Figure of Speech: Definition and Examples
• What Is Attribution in Writing?
• What Is Clarity in Composition?
• Pause (Speech and Writing)
• Technical Writing
• Illocutionary Act
• Verbosity (Composition and Communication)
• Dialogue Definition, Examples and Observations
• How to Teach Reported Speech
• Basic Writing
• Definition of Audience
• Biased Language Definition and Examples
• What is Metadiscourse?

Learn Assertive Communication in 5 Simple Steps

Mia Belle Frothingham

Author, Researcher, Science Communicator

BA with minors in Psychology and Biology, MRes University of Edinburgh

Mia Belle Frothingham is a Harvard University graduate with a Bachelor of Arts in Sciences with minors in biology and psychology

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Editor-in-Chief for Simply Psychology

BSc (Hons) Psychology, MRes, PhD, University of Manchester

Saul Mcleod, PhD., is a qualified psychology teacher with over 18 years of experience in further and higher education. He has been published in peer-reviewed journals, including the Journal of Clinical Psychology.

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Associate Editor for Simply Psychology

BSc (Hons) Psychology, MSc Psychology of Education

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Assertive communication is a style of communication where individuals clearly express their thoughts, feelings, and needs respectfully, confidently, and directly.

It emphasizes mutual understanding, respects others’ rights while defending personal boundaries, and promotes open, honest, and constructive dialogue.

Learning to speak assertively enables one to respect everyone’s needs and rights, including one’s own, and to maintain boundaries in relationships while helping others feel respected at the same time.

For instance, instead of saying “I can’t stand it when you’re late,” which might sound accusatory, an assertive communicator might say, “When you arrive late, it disrupts my schedule. Could we work on improving punctuality?”

This approach acknowledges feelings, addresses the issue directly, and suggests a resolution, all while respecting both parties’ perspectives.

5 Steps of Assertive Communication

Communicate your needs or wants directly, avoiding ambiguity, while still respecting the other person’s rights.

• Identify and Understand the Problem : This first step involves recognizing the issue. It could be a behavior, a situation, or an event that’s causing distress or conflict. Critical thinking skills are applied to analyze the problem accurately. Understanding the problem helps avoid assumptions, misconceptions, or biases and gives a solid foundation for assertive communication.
• Describe the Problem Objectively and Accurately : The next step is to clearly articulate the issue. Use specific, concrete language to describe who is involved, what is happening, when and where it’s happening. Tell the person what you think about their behavior without accusing them. It’s crucial not to over-dramatize or pass judgment but to provide a candid description of how the other person’s actions have affected the situation or you. Rather than saying, “You ruined my whole night,” specify the consequences, e.g., “Due to the delay, we now have less time to discuss our important matter.” The key here is to stick to observable facts and avoid judging or blaming language. For instance, instead of saying, “You’re always late,” you might say, “I noticed you’ve arrived late to the past three meetings.” Rather than using emotionally charged language, or applying labels and value judgments to the individual you are addressing, refer to concrete and factual aspects of the behavior that have upset you. For instance, if your friend was late for an important discussion, avoid making derogatory comments. Instead, provide a clear account of the situation, e.g., “We were supposed to meet at 17:30, but it’s now 17:50.” The formula “When you [other’s behavior], then [result of conduct], and I feel [your feelings]” gives a more detailed picture of the situation. For example, “When you override my rules with the children, my parental authority is undermined, and I feel disrespected.” This approach helps articulate your feelings while maintaining a respectful tone.
• Express Your Concerns and How You Feel : Tell them how you feel when they behave a certain way. Tell them how their behavior affects you and your relationship with them. To prevent the other person from feeling attacked, express how their actions have affected you using “I” statements. These help you take ownership of your feelings and communicate them without escalating conflict. Instead of saying, “You must stop!” say, “I would feel better if you didn’t do that.” For instance, “When you arrive late, I feel disrespected and worried because it interrupts our schedule.”
• Ask the Other Person for His/Her Perspective (Then Ask for a Reasonable Change) : Invite the other person to share their perspective. This shows respect for their feelings and thoughts, and can help you understand their point of view. It could require asking more questions, listening more carefully, or getting creative and exploring more prospects. Whatever it is, it is worth one’s time because, in the end, both parties leave feeling good, and no one ends up hurt. The secret to effective communication and forming better relationships is being mindful of what the other individual is trying to say. This requires trying not to bring up issues from the past or let one’s mind get distracted. These actions show disrespect and can cause one to lose focus. Thus, one cannot give a reasonable answer or be assertive. Mindfulness means being present and not thinking about anyone else who is not currently around oneself. Afterward, suggest a reasonable change that could resolve the issue. Make sure this is a specific, realistic action they can take, like, “Could we agree to start our meetings on time?”
• List the Positive Outcomes That Will Occur if the Person Makes the Agreed Upon Change : Explain the benefits of making the change. This encourages cooperation by showing how the change is mutually beneficial. The example above might be, “If we start our meetings on time, we’ll be able to adhere to our schedule and finish our work efficiently, reducing stress for everyone.”

The XYZ* Formula for Assertive Communication

The XYZ formula is a technique for assertive communication that’s designed to help express your thoughts, feelings, or needs more clearly and effectively without causing unnecessary conflict.

The aim of the XYZ formula is to articulate your emotional responses (your internal reality) to the actions of others (the external reality) within certain contexts. You are the sole proprietor of your emotions; others cannot perceive your inner state unless you communicate it to them.

In the same way, you can only interact with and understand the external behaviors of others, not their internal experiences.

This model can be especially useful in tricky conversations, where emotions might be high and it’s important to communicate clearly and respectfully.

It’s also designed to reduce defensiveness in the person you’re speaking to, which can help the conversation be more productive.

The benefit of the XYZ model is that it’s clear, non-threatening, and focuses on specific behaviors and the impact of those behaviors, rather than making generalizations about the person’s character.

This can make it more likely that the other person will be receptive to what you’re saying and be willing to work on a solution.

The 3 C’s of Assertive Communication

Keep your communication brief and to the point. People are more likely to understand and respond to concise messages.

Ensure that the message one wants to portray to another is straightforward to understand. We can take a crazy example like a dance routine – while it may be entertaining, it is not necessarily the most effective way to communicate one’s message.

When one wants to be heard, the messages one sends must be understandable and straightforward.

Most people will try to impress others with big, complicated words or terminology, but we should ask ourselves: does one want to impress the other, or should one be heard and understood?

One has to believe in one’s ability to handle a situation. It can be incredibly frustrating when someone says one thing and then says something different the next day.

Ask yourself: if you’re not convinced what your message is, how can you expect to communicate it effectively?

Over time, inconsistency in the messages one is sending can start to cause distrust in the people one is engaging with.

So in order for one to be taken seriously and earn credibility as a leader and a strong communicator, one has to be consistent in the messages one sends to others.

Before speaking, learn to take a moment and figure out precisely where one stands on the issue.

This will make it easier for other people to understand where they stand concerning their relationship with you.

Assertive communication involves controlling your emotions, tone of voice, and body language. Try to remain calm and composed, even when discussing difficult topics.

Speak in a calm and steady voice, and use non-threatening body language.

Keeping your emotions under control will help keep the conversation productive and prevent it from escalating into an argument.

Examples of Assertive Statements

Scenario :  Your teenage daughter is known to get mad every time you attempt to tell her to clean up her room or assist around the house.

Assertive Statement :  “I feel overburdened when you do not pitch in and help keep the house clean and tidy. I understand that you do not like having me remind you to clean your room, but it is a task that needs to be done, and everyone needs to do their part.”

Takeaway :  Sometimes, we do not express ourselves because we fear how others react. Assertive people understand that they have no accountability for how the other person chooses to respond – that is entirely on them.

A normal human being will know that we all have needs and desires and should be entitled to express them willingly.

Scenario :  Your father wants you to come to his house immediately so you can help him sort through things he wants to sell at a garage sale.

However, you had planned to spend the evening relaxing, taking a calming bath, and just lounging around because you had a rough week at work.

Assertive Statement :  “I understand you need help, and I would like to help you. Although today, I need to take care of myself because I am very exhausted and overworked. I can better help you tomorrow. Does that work for you?”

Takeaway :  Part of being assertive is caring for oneself and valuing one’s needs just as much as the other person’s. An assertive person says, “I am worthy of this. I deserve this.”

Friendships

Scenario :  Your friend asks to borrow $1,000, and you doubt she has a history of defaulting on her financial commitments.

Assertive Statement :  “My policy is never to lend money to friends or family members.”

Takeaway :  Using the term “policy statement” is a great way to express one’s core values and outline what one will and will not do.

Scenario :  Your roommate is yelling and complaining that you are not devoting enough time and attention to the household. She launches into a long list of what she perceives to be your character flaws.

Assertive Statement :  “I see you are angry. I hear you saying that you think I should spend more time doing ___. However, I am afraid I have to disagree with you, and here’s why.”

Takeaway :  Assertive people do not get caught up in anger or strong emotions. They acknowledge the other person’s thoughts and feelings but frankly express their own.

Spouse/Partner

Scenario :  You planned to meet up with your boyfriend to have a nice meal at a restaurant. You get there, but he is late – again.

Every time you make plans, he seems to leave you waiting while he shows up 20-30 minutes after the scheduled meeting time.

Assertive Statement :  “Did something happen unexpectedly that made you late? I feel hurt when I have to wait constantly because you are frequently late. It makes me feel uneasy and like I am not a priority for you. Is there something I can do to help you fix this problem?”

Takeaway :  Assertive people use “I” statements instead of throwing blame or insults at the other person. Offering to support come up with a solution lets the other person know one cares.

Scenario :  Every day when you come home from work, your husband ignores you and continues doing whatever they are doing. He does not acknowledge, greet, or ask you how your day was.

Assertive Statement :  “I feel sad when I come home, and you do not seem happy to see me or ask how my day was. I feel lonely and not appreciated.”

Takeaway :  Assertive people always state the problem instead of assuming that others know what they think, feel, or need.

The Workplace

Scenario :  Your boss wants you to do your co-worker’s report because he has fallen behind schedule, and your boss knows you work efficiently. This has happened multiple times this past month.

Assertive Statement :  “This is the sixth time this month I have been given extra work because Steve has been behind on his work. I want to be a team player, but I am stressed when I am overburdened. What can we do to ensure this does not occur again?”

Takeaway :  Stating the facts and expressing one’s feelings helps avoid making the other person get their defenses up. Offering to help solve the problem expresses one’s concerns.

Scenario :  Your co-worker wants you to come in overtime to help her with her portion of work on a project that is due relatively soon, and she has been putting it off. Meanwhile, you have already completed your project share and have plans outside of work.

Assertive Statement :  “I understand you need help with your project. However, I already completed my share and I have plans outside of work that I cannot change. I can give you some advice and pointers, but I will not stay overtime.”

Takeaway :  Again, stating the facts helps avoid making the other person get their defenses up. Offering to help in any way is also helpful for the other person.

Take Small Steps, but Stand One’s Ground

One should also be aware that if one has not been assertive in the past, one will come up against resistance when one begins taking steps to stand one’s course.

There may be disputes with family members and friends or tension at work, so it is best that one is prepared for various forms of backlash.

For example, if one is discussing with one’s partner and they interrupt, stop them immediately by calmly saying, “please do not interrupt me when I’m speaking.”

Chances are they will get worked up and possibly argumentative, at this point, one can make it clear that one does not interrupt them when they are speaking, and one would like to be granted the same courtesy.

Depending on what kind of individual they are, this could result in tension, but say they are a family member or one’s partner, they will be willing to work things through and grow together.

It is important to remember to not let these situations dissuade oneself. One might need to sit in their room and cry it out, it can be overwhelming when someone who is used to treating one like a doormat, gets put in their place with one’s newfound voice.

Maintain these new boundaries one has firmly in place, and one will find that they will either adapt or walk away.

If this person walks away, they did not work having around in the first place. This risk one will take any time you make a significant life change.

Overall, communication is vital, and it is an excellent idea to sit down and discuss with those closest to you the fact that one is trying to be more assertive and the reasons for doing so.

By asking for and receiving their support and encouragement, one may discover that one has more people on your side than one would likely expect, which will only help to bolster one’s assertiveness and help one’s reach goals.

Here are some critical elements of assertive communication in relationships that you can take away from this article:

• It is direct, firm, positive, and persistent.
• It consists in exercising personal rights.
• It involves standing up for oneself.
• It promotes an equal balance of power.
• It acts in one’s own best interests.
• It does not include denying the rights of others.
• It consists in expressing necessities and feelings openly and comfortably.

By expressing and communicating in a manner that is consistent with the key elements above, people like you are more likely to cherish lasting and fulfilling positive relationships based on mutual respect.

To have these life-long friendships, partnerships, and relationships, expressing who you are and effectively communicating with others is key to attaining a group of people who will love, respect, and adore you!

The Benefits of Being Assertive

Less stress.

To be honest with ourselves, so much stress can be experienced with either aggressive or passive communication. Likely, one or more people involved in these conversations generally wind up feeling humiliated or threatened.

If one stays on the firm side, one might end up regretting putting one’s need to be heard over the other individual’s right to speak.

However, with assertive communication, you are acknowledging the other person’s feelings and wishes. Still, at the same time, you are openly sharing yours and trying to find the best solution for the situation.

The assertive communication style correlates to very little stress.

Trust is crucial in all of one’s relationships, and being assertive helps one arrive there naturally.

Most of the time, passive communication results in others not taking one seriously, while aggressive behavior leads to resentment.

Being trustworthy in one’s communication significantly builds connection.

More Confidence

When one hides their feelings or interacts with others without caring about what they feel or think, one either lowers one’s self-esteem or builds it on the wrong foundation.

While assertive behavior, on the other hand, assertive behavior demonstrates that one is both brave enough to stand up for one’s rights and in control of what one is saying and, more importantly, how one says it).

One can find the balance between clearly stating one’s needs and allowing the other person to do the same and feel equal.

Better Communication

Last but not least, assertive behavior is excellent for everyone involved.

If one communicates wisely, one can get what one wants out of any interaction and leave the other person fulfilled.

Communication Styles

There are three main communication types: passive, aggressive, and assertive.

In every conversation, our communication style makes it easier or harder for the other person to understand what we mean.

Therefore, we would suffer the consequences if we did not know which communication style to use. Often, this can lead to accidentally offending people or not conveying the point you are trying to make.

Aggressive communication style is a method of expression where individuals assert their opinions, needs, or feelings in a manner that infringes upon the rights of others.

It can involve speaking in a loud, demanding tone, employing harsh or disrespectful language, ignoring others’ viewpoints, or using non-verbal cues like invading personal space.

While it can help achieve personal goals, it often results in strained relationships due to its lack of respect for others.

Aggressive communication can prevent you from having stable friendships because no one enjoys the company of someone who constantly judges, disputes, disagrees, and does not allow others to share their views.

This style can lead to misunderstanding, resentment, and a lack of personal fulfillment, as it inhibits effective interpersonal exchange and self-advocacy.

On the other hand, passive communication may lead to feelings of being misperceived and misheard. You may feel like no one truly hears you or respects your input. 

Passive-Aggressive

A passive-aggressive communication style is characterized by indirect expressions of hostility or negativity. Instead of openly expressing feelings or needs, individuals may use sarcasm, silent treatment, procrastination, or subtle sabotage.

This style can create confusion and conflict as the communication is covertly aggressive, making it hard for others to address the real issues, leading to ineffective resolution and strained relationships.

We should all strive for an assertive communication style because it is the best of both worlds.

You not only meet your needs, but you also meet the needs of the person you are engaging with, so everyone is happy. An assertive communication style is a balance between the other two communication styles.

An awareness of assertive communication can also help one handle complex family, friends, and co-workers more efficiently, decreasing drama and stress.

Ultimately, assertive communication empowers one to draw essential boundaries that allow anyone to meet their needs in relationships without excluding others and letting anger and resentment creep in.

Of course, occasionally, it can be challenging to create this habit and stay away from other, less productive communication styles. There needs to be a healthy amount of self-control.

Fortunately, some innovative and easy ways exist to improve your assertive communication skills.

Before this, let us examine why you should prioritize aiming for a more assertive communication style.

What is the difference between assertive communication and passive communication?

Passive communication is an avoidance style that is considered inefficient, as it does not communicate the person’s sentiments. The person will avoid expressing what they mean to evade conflict.

They will prioritize the needs of others over their own and are often taken advantage of. This avoidance causes inner turmoil to build up and may lead to bursts of anger.

Assertive communication is an effective way to communicate with another person honestly and is the recommended style. An assertive communicator is transparent in their intentions and necessities and is firm without becoming aggressive.

They endorse themselves and remain respectful and empathetic to the other person(s).

What is the difference between assertive communication and aggressive communication?

Aggressive communication is volatile, high-emotion, high-energy communication where the communicator is focused on being right.

The opposite of passive, these communicators are only concerned with their gains and will bully and compel others to “win” the conversation.

These communicators are not compassionate and do not appreciate the boundaries of others in the exchange. Again, assertive communication is transparent in intentions and is firm without becoming aggressive.

Respect and boundaries are maintained with every conversation, and keeping emotions in check.

Are assertive communication and dominating the same thing?

No. People trying to “dominate” the person they are interacting with will speak loudly, use physical force, and frequently interrupt the other person. They will blame and embarrass others, and these communicators get enraged quickly.

Their behavior is discourteous, inappropriate, and alienating. This type of communicator is usually unwilling to make compromises in arguments, looms over the other person, and uses direct, lengthy eye contact.

They will make the discussion one-sided and not listen to the other person. Assertive communicators are engaged listeners and keep a calm voice when talking.

They do not escalate the situation, bully, or use manipulation tactics. This communicator creates relationships and does not allow others to exploit them.

These people make a discussion where others feel comfortable joining.

When should assertive communication be used?

Assertive communication involves transparent, honest statements about your beliefs, needs, and feelings. Considering a healthy compromise between aggressive and passive communication is good.

When you communicate assertively, you share your beliefs without judging others for theirs. You endorse yourself when necessary and do it with courtesy and consideration because assertiveness involves respect for your views and those of others. This communication style helps solve conflict collaboratively.

Whether you have a concern you want to discuss with your partner or need to let a co-worker know you cannot offer assistance with a project, assertive communication allows you to express what you need productively and work with the other person to find the best solution.

• Filipeanu, D., & Cananau, M. (2015). Assertive communication and efficient management in the office.  International Journal of Communication Research ,  5 (3), 237.
• Kolb, S. M., & Griffith, A. C. S. (2009). “I’ll Repeat Myself, Again?!” Empowering Students through Assertive Communication Strategies.  Teaching Exceptional Children ,  41 (3), 32-36.
• Omura, M., Maguire, J., Levett-Jones, T., & Stone, T. E. (2017). The effectiveness of assertiveness communication training programs for healthcare professionals and students: A systematic review .  International journal of nursing studies ,  76 , 120-128.
• Pipas, Maria Daniela, and Mohammad Jaradat. “ Assertive communication skills .”  Annales Universitatis Apulensis: Series Oeconomica  12.2 (2010): 649.

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Demonstrating Openness and Honesty

Teaching students openness and honesty provides the skills needed to take on new opportunities, behave with integrity, and build strong, trusting relationships. Openness—the quality of being receptive to new ideas and experiences—is correlated with higher levels of curiosity and increased comfort in new or unfamiliar situations. It is also associated positively with creativity and well-being (“Openness,” 2020).

Honesty—speaking the truth and acting truthfully—can help students communicate ideas sincerely and respectfully, set and recognize boundaries, and build strong relationships. By maintaining openness and honesty, and applying learned social-emotional skills, students and educators will be able to navigate this current situation of distance learning and stay-at-home rules in a positive, healthy manner.

Although being open to new ideas and speaking honestly can be uncomfortable or difficult, engaging in open and honest conversations is more rewarding and socially fulfilling than one might think (Jones, 2018). Honesty connects people more deeply, even when sharing potentially negative information or feedback, and allows space for more openness and a better understanding of what someone is feeling. As children and adults address the recent unprecedented changes in their daily lives, fostering openness and honesty is of critical importance in learning and in relationships. Using their social-emotional skills and encouraging openness and honesty can help students handle unforeseen changes and transitions with a sense of curiosity and ease, and create an honest environment that allows big emotions and anxieties to be named, validated, and properly managed.

Keep in mind the following to help students and families develop openness and honesty.

• Make classrooms and homes “intellectual safe spaces,” that is, where all opinions are heard and respected. Allow children to practice speaking honestly and also to practice respectfully listening to all opinions, even those they may not agree with (Barbour, 2018).
• Teach students to listen and repeat. Have them summarize what the other person says in their own words to show that they are actively listening and understand what was said.
• Demonstrate open body lan-guage. Uncrossed arms, eye contact, and nonverbal af-firmations such as nodding your head show engagement and help facilitate open com-munication. Open body lan-guage also keeps students checked in, remain in the present, and actively listen to what the other person is saying (Gatens, 2020).

Using their social-emotional skills and encouraging openness and honesty can help students handle unforeseen changes and transitions with a sense of curiosity and ease.

Developing openness and honesty instills an intrinsic sense of integrity within students and provides them with the skills necessary to thrive in diverse, dynamic environments. Given the current circumstances in our daily lives, openness and honesty will allow students, their families, and educators to meet these challenges in a positive and healthy way.

References:

• Barbour, B. (2018, August 28). Guiding students to be open to new ideas. Edutopia. Retrieved March 20, 2020, from https://www. edutopia.org/article/guiding-students-be-open-new-ideas
• Gatens, B. (2020). Openness to ideas, perspective and change yields trust in the classroom. Share to Learn. Retrieved April 24, 2020, from https://blog.sharetolearn.com/curriculum-teaching-strategies/openness-yields-trust-in-classroom/
• Jones, S. M. (2018, September 21). People can afford to be more honest than they think. UChicago News. Retrieved March 20, 2020, from https://news.uchicago.edu/story/people-can-afford-be-more-honest-they-think
• Openness. (2020, March 20). Psychology Today. Retrieved March 20, 2020, from https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/openness

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Why and how to cultivate honest, expressive communication on your team.

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Hasnain Raza is the Vice President of Marketing at  Market One , Canada's largest marketing agency for public companies.

It’s no secret that communication is key to a team’s productivity. It’s a core function that managers should master to help keep their teams motivated and happy.

Traditionally, and in an attempt to appear professional and in control, leaders often communicated in a way that sounded premeditated and manufactured.

A new era of internal communication may be emerging. While showing emotion and honesty in the workplace was once seen as a weakness, I believe incorporating genuine emotion into a team’s internal communications could very well be a leader’s secret weapon. 

In fact, many studies show that emotions have a significant impact on how people perform, engage and make decisions within their organizations. 

In a 16-month study of a long-term care facility published in Administrative Science Quarterly and discussed in the Harvard Business Review (paywall), researchers found that those who worked in units with a strong culture of "companionate love" had lower absenteeism, decreased burnout and increased job satisfaction compared to colleagues in other units. These units also had more satisfied patients. 

But how do you create a positive emotional culture? It starts from the top. 

Emotions are contagious and, once established, can easily trickle down throughout the company. Being open and transparent at work might seem daunting at first, but I've found that it's integral to building strong relationships and synergy on a team. Here are three things you can do to cultivate honest and expressive communication with your team:   

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Create Clear Boundaries

Have you noticed that your team is lacking momentum? Are they feeling burnt out?

This may be due to a lack of boundary-setting. I've found that a failure to create and communicate boundaries can easily lead to feelings of resentment and, ultimately, a decrease in productivity. 

It also signals an opportunity to be transparent about your boundaries and allow your team to communicate openly in response. As a leader, it’s your responsibility to share your own personal boundaries with your team and create a space where they feel safe enough to do the same. 

Boundaries can exist in many different forms, like boundaries between personal and professional relationships, around work-life balance, or around asking for favors. By making your boundaries known, you are also setting an example and encouraging frequent conversations around boundary-setting, which could decrease the risk of burnout, miscommunication and resentment. 

Develop A Structure

There’s a running joke in corporate culture about meetings that “could have been emails.”

Unproductive meetings are a common issue and can often leave teams feeling frustrated or disengaged. If you find yourself in meetings that seem to run on forever, it could be due to a lack of clear structure. 

So, how can you change that? Before setting a meeting, think about what you want the meeting to accomplish and make that clear to your attendees. With everyone on the same page, you’ll likely reduce the chances of a meeting getting derailed or spinning out of your control. 

If things aren’t panning out the way you were envisioning, don’t be afraid to take a step back and be honest with your team members. Creating that open line of communication will allow you to build more sincere and productive relationships with your colleagues. 

Find Your Style

Every person, regardless of the organization they are in, utilizes different communication styles. 

As a leader, you need to not only learn how to mitigate conflicts between these different styles but also relay your own communication needs. 

Do you tend to give vague directives? Do you like to check in with your employees daily? Do you prefer to give them the freedom to make their own choices? 

Once you’re aware of how you like to communicate, you can then learn what expectations you need to set with your team. Setting clear expectations will help you avoid pent-up frustration due to misunderstandings.

At the end of the day, regardless of your communication style, being honest with yourself and your team is the first step to building a strong foundation of trust. When you show honest emotion, your team can get a better understanding of where you are coming from and why you communicate the way you do. It will also likely inspire them to do the same. 

Conclusion 

You might have heard this before, but: when in doubt, over-communicate . According to a 2019 study commissioned by Dynamic Signal and conducted by Survata ( via GlobalNewswire ), 80% of the U.S. workforce feels stress due to ineffective company communication. Setting communication expectations is the first step to cultivating a transparent workplace with a positive emotional culture. 

Transparency and emotional communication may not always be easy conversations to cultivate, but creating an environment in which open communication is encouraged can certainly benefit your team in the long run.  

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How to foster communication that is honest, clear and direct.

• Pay attention to your communication for a few days, and listen for hedging with understatement, misdirection, or apology. If you hear these behaviors, you might be too soft. If you hear accusations, forceful tone or language, or lots of “you” messages, you might be too tough. To find and maintain that middle ground that is honest, direct, and clear (but short on aggression) consider the following before you speak.
• Consider your intent. What is the purpose of this communication? Is it small talk with peers? Is it corrective in nature? Is it brainstorming? What do you want to get out of this communication? A disciplined but intimidated direct report? Or better understanding and cooperation within your team? Setting your intention ahead of the conversion is a powerful tool for driving your communication behavior.
• Master your timing. If your direct report comes in late, or makes a mistake, you might be tempted to address it immediately. But should you? Who else—customers or coworkers—will overhear your criticism? Better wait for a private moment. Also, what about your emotions? If you are frustrated, that will impair your ability to speak in a fair, impartial way. However, if you tend to be “too nice” or postpone uncomfortable conversations, you might want to make a rule for yourself to deal with issues within the same business day.
• Weigh your words. Words like “always” and “never” beg to be argued with. Critical words like “careless” or “incompetent” will raise defensiveness. Consider searching for wording that is truthful yet neutral. And if you tend to be too nice and indirect, consider—and rehearse if needed—direct words such as, “this report needs to be corrected today.”
• Be aware of your body language. Watch for incongruent body language. If you are a person who smiles all the time, people may find it hard to take you seriously. Conversely, if your face or body language often looks angry or disapproving, your words may be taken as more negative than you mean them to. Strive for a neutral tone, face and body language.
• Tune into listening skills. If you want to build communication rather than just bark out orders, it would be helpful to hone and employ your best listening skills. Ask open-ended questions to hear the other person’s point of view. Listen to what they have to say, how they say it, and what they don’t say.
• Maintain consistency. If you want your communication brand to be “honest and direct,” you will need to continually think before you speak, choose direct words, and tell the truth. Doing these things now and then won’t build your brand, but may just confuse those you deal with, since they don’t know from day to day what to expect from you.

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How to write with honesty in the plain style

It’s a middle ground between an ornate high style and a low style that gravitates toward slang. write in it when you want your audience to comprehend..

I know how to tell you the truth in a sentence so dense and complicated and filled with jargon that you will not be able to comprehend. I also know — using my clearest and most engaging prose — how to tell you a vicious lie.

This dual reality — that seemingly virtuous plainness can be used for ill intent — lies at the heart of the ethics and practice of public writing.

The author who revealed this problem most persuasively was a scholar named Hugh Kenner, and he introduced it most cogently in an essay entitled “The Politics of the Plain Style.” Originally published in The New York Times Book Review in 1985, Kenner included it with 63 other essays in a book called “Mazes.”

When I began reading the essay, I thought it would confirm my longstanding bias that in a democracy, the plain style is most worthy, especially when used by public writers in the public interest.

A good case can be made for the civic virtues of the plain style, but Kenner, in a sophisticated argument, has persuaded me that some fleas, big fleas, come with the dog.

A disappointing truth is that an undecorated, straightforward writing style is a favorite of liars, including liars in high places. Make that liars, propagandists and conspiracy theorists. We have had enough of those in the 21st century to make citing examples unnecessary. And the last thing I would want to do is to republish pernicious texts, even for the purpose of condemning them.

When rank and file citizens receive messages written in the high style — full of abstractions, fancy effects, and abstractions — their BS detector tends to kick in. That nice term, often attributed to Ernest Hemingway, describes a form of skepticism that many of us need to sense when we are being fooled or lied to. So alerted, you can then dismiss me as a blowhard or a pointy-headed intellectual who works at the Poynter Institute!

If I tell it to you straight, you will look me in the eye and pat me on the back, a person of the people, one of you.

Literary styles and standards shift with the centuries, including the lines between fiction and nonfiction. Among the so-called liars cited by Kenner are famous authors such as Daniel Defoe and George Orwell. Both, he argues, wrote fiction that posed as nonfiction. The way they persuaded us that Robinson Crusoe actually lived or that Orwell actually shot an elephant or witnessed a hanging was to write it straight. That is, to make it sound truthful.

If public writers are to embrace a plain style in an honest way, they must understand what makes it work. Kenner argues:

• That the plain style is a style, even though it reads as plain, undecorated.
• That it is rarely mastered and expressed as literature, except by the likes of Jonathan Swift, H.L. Mencken and Orwell.
• That it is a contrivance, an artifice, something made up to create a particular effect.
• That it exists in ambiguity, being the perfect form of transmission for democratic practices, but also for fictions, fabrications and hoaxes.
• That it makes the writer sound truthful, even when he or she is not.

If you aspire to write in an honest plain style, what are its central components? Let’s give Kenner the floor:

Plain style is a populist style. … Homely diction (common language) is its hallmark, also one-two-three syntax (subject, verb, object), the show of candor and the artifice of seeming to be grounded outside language in what is called fact — the domain where a condemned man can be observed as he silently avoids a puddle and your prose will report the observation and no one will doubt it.

Kenner alludes here to Orwell’s essay in which he observes a hanging and watched the oddity of the condemned man not wanting to get his feet wet as he prepares to climb the steps to the gallows. “Such prose simulates the words anyone who was there and awake might later have spoken spontaneously. On a written page, as we’ve seen, the spontaneous can only be a contrivance.”

The plain style feigns a candid observer. Such is its great advantage for persuading. From behind its mask of calm candor, the writer with political intentions can appeal, in seeming disinterest, to people whose pride is their no-nonsense connoisseurship of fact. And such is the trickiness of language that he may find he must deceive them to enlighten them. Whether Orwell ever witnessed a hanging or not, we’re in no doubt what he means us to think of the custom.

Orwell has been a literary hero of mine from the time I read “Animal Farm” as a child. I jumped from his overt fiction, such as “1984,” to his essays on politics and language, paying only occasional attention to his nonfiction books and narrative essays. I always assumed that Orwell shot an elephant and that he witnessed a hanging, because, well, I wanted to believe it, and assumed a social contract between writer and reader, that if a writer of nonfiction writes a scene where two brothers are arguing in a restaurant, then it was not two sisters laughing in a discotheque.

As to whether Orwell wrote from experience in these cases, I can’t be sure, but he always admitted that he wrote from a political motive, through which he might justify what is sometimes called poetic license.

Writing to reach a “higher truth,” of course, is part of a literary and religious tradition that goes back centuries. When Christian authors of an earlier age wrote the life and death stories of the saints — hagiography — they cared less about the literal truth of the story than a kind of allegorical truth: That the martyrdom of St. Agnes of Rome was an echo of the suffering of Jesus on the cross, and, therefore, a pathway to eternal life.

I write this as a lifelong Catholic without disrespect or irony. Such writing was a form of propaganda and is where we get the word: a propagation of the faith.

Orwell’s faith was in democratic institutions, threatened in the 20th century by tyrannies of the right and the left — fascism and communism. Seeing British imperialism as a corruption, he felt a moral obligation to tell stories in which that system looked bad, including one where, as a member of the imperial police in Burma, he found himself having to kill an elephant, an act he came to regret. Using the plain style, Orwell makes his essay so real that I believe it. In my professional life, I have argued against this idea of the “higher truth,” which does not respect fact, knowing how slippery that fact can be. But Orwell knew whether he shot that elephant or not, so there is no equivocating.

By the onset of the digital age, a writer’s fabrications — even those made with good intent — are often easily exposed, leading to a loss of authority and credibility that can injure a worthy cause. With Holocaust deniers abounding, why would you fabricate a story about the Holocaust when there are still so many factual stories to tell?

There is a powerful lesson here for all public writers: That if I can imagine a powerful plot and compelling characters, I do not have to fabricate a story and sell it as nonfiction. I can write it as a novel and sell it as a screenplay! I have yet to hear an argument that “Sophie’s Choice” is unworthy because it was imagined rather than reported.

I am saying that all forms of writing and communication fall potentially under the rubric of public writing. That includes, fiction, poetry, film, even the music lyrics, labeled as such: “Tell it like it is,” says the song, “Don’t be afraid. Let your conscience be your guide.”

In the end, we need reports we can trust, and even in the age of disinformation and fake news, those are best delivered in the plain style — with honesty as its backbone. Writing in the plain style is a strategy; civic clarity and credibility are the effects.

Here are the lessons:

• When you are writing reports, when you want your audience to comprehend, write in the plain style — a kind of middle ground between an ornate high style and a low style that gravitates toward slang
• The plain style requires exacting work. Plain does not mean simple. Prefer the straightforward over the technical: shorter words, sentences, paragraphs at the points of greatest complexity.
• Keep subjects and verbs in the main clause together. Put the main clause first.
• More common words work better.
• Easy on the literary effects; use only the most transparent metaphors, nothing that stops the reader and calls attention to itself.
• Remember 1-2-3 syntax, subject/verb/object: “Public writers prefer the plain style.”

Want to read more about public writing? Check out Roy Peter Clark’s latest book, “ Tell It Like It Is: A Guide to Clear and Honest Writing ,” available April 11 from Little, Brown.

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Honesty In Writing

Nat Russo August 14, 2014 How-To , Voice , Writing 40 Comments

There are many bits of common writerly wisdom that I tweet on a regular basis using the #writetip hashtag. Some of these nuggets are mine and others are parroting the masters. Most are widely held to be axiomatic, but some are confusing or enigmatic. Such is the limitation of 140 characters.

One of the more confusing writetips deals with honesty in writing .

Above all else, be honest in your writing. Readers sense fakes a mile away. #writetip

Whenever this one comes up in the rotation, I get a flood of questions. I get some heated, sarcastic answers as well, but that’s to be expected from time to time. In general, there’s an overwhelming confusion among aspiring authors about just what it means to “be honest” in one’s writing. I understand this confusion. I once shared it.

It is at once the most simple and most elusive quality to attain. But attaining it is a must! For once you have it, you’ll write with a confidence you’ve never known before. Take this quote from Mark Twain:

About Nat Russo

Nat Russo is the Amazon #1 Bestselling Fantasy author of Necromancer Awakening and Necromancer Falling. Nat was born in New York, raised in Arizona, and has lived just about everywhere in-between. He’s gone from pizza maker, to radio DJ, to Catholic seminarian (in a Benedictine monastery, of all places), to police officer, to software engineer. His career has taken him from central Texas to central Germany, where he worked as a defense contractor for Northrop Grumman. He's spent most of his adult life developing software, playing video games, running a Cub Scout den, gaining/losing weight, and listening to every kind of music under the sun. Along the way he managed to earn a degree in Philosophy and a black belt in Tang Soo Do. He currently makes his home in central Texas with his wife, teenager, mischievous beagle, and goofy boxador.

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Comments 40

Thank you for that insight. I’ve just finished my first novel (it’s with my beta readers now) and I’ve been agonising over what I wrote, ever since I sent it away. My agony has been more extremes, than just about honesty. It has been one question – is this crap or not?

What your article reassured me was that whatever the reaction to my efforts, it is ok…because I wrote it honestly, from inside of me.

My first novel has been like an affirmation of what I always wanted to do but were too scared to actually try, and many of your tips have helped me along the way.

Where do you find the time do so much, on top of writing?

Congratulations on your enormous success. I’ll be honest and admit that initially you used to piss me off with all your news about how well your novel was doing, and then it hit me…I would be absolutely the same if mine took off…WELL DONE THAT MAN!

Cheers Nat.

Thank you so much, Grant! I’m glad you enjoyed the article. And sorry I pissed you off before. 🙂 Haha!

It’s absolutely true that if you’ve written your work honestly, your story will eventually find its audience. It may take time, but it will. People are attracted to brutally honest writers like moths to flame.

Loved the blog Nat, especially the point about self reflection, that really spoke to me as I had a similar revelation not too long ago. It’s something I do more and more the older I get and helps you get to the heart of any matter. And if you can get to the heart of your story (and this is where the honesty comes in as well), you’re well on your way to cracking it! Great stuff.

Thanks, Lee! The more time I spend writing, the more I’m convinced that reflection is one of the ingredients of the “secret sauce”.

I agree in particular about you have to reflected on yourself to be a good writer. I struggle with that sometimes but the truth is you have to be vulnerable if you want to write stories that have an impact on people.

Exactly, Heather. You have to open yourself up and be vulnerable, or else you’ll always pull back right at the point where going forward would have created magic.

This is an amazing post, and probably cuts to the heart of what distinguishes mediocre writing from the good.

I’m really struggling with aspects of several of these right now. I’m writing historical fantasy based on a particularly awful conflict and find myself shying away from violence- not even anything very graphic.

I’m also finding it difficult to put my favorite characters through any significant pain , or have them behave in any way that’s unsavory. It seems I’m trying to avoid going to any and all dark places.

I know it’s because I’m afraid of what I’ll find, but there is no point in trying to tell this story if I insist on leaving out any ugliness.

So true, Christina! You have to dig down and find the strength to explore that darkness.

I have a particularly gruesome scene in Necromancer Awakening, where I put my main character through…well…Hell, really. By the end of it, he’s literally asking for death. That was a difficult one to write. I found that the emotional darkness of my past allowed me to imbue the physical reality of the scene with all the pain I was feeling.

The past can be a treasure trove of emotional expression, if we’re brave enough to go digging in the dirt and explore its depths.

I agree wholeheartedly – but a curious thing happened to me. I decided to re-publish my first two (linked) historical novels from c1990, and began to reflect on that time. So many odd coincidences had occurred in connection with research, writing and publication of same, I thought it would make an interesting memoir. Oh boy! What a revelation to yours truly – that was when I was able to see where those novels had really come from. Yes – from me. As much from my experience of life as my research. They became bestsellers back in the day – and I guess its the emotional honesty as much as the story-line that appealed to people. It was scary though – so much so, I didn’t publish the memoir for fear I’d never write another novel! But like you, I’ve been saying the similar things to aspiring writers. That honesty in the writing is what lifts a story above the mundane.

Ann, thank you so much for sharing that!

When I read over old stories I’ve written, the content I find never ceases to amaze me. Even though we research topics that are story related, we tend to do so with a focus that comes from our life experiences. And when we later inject that research into our story, it’s done so in a way that channels whatever we’ve got going on at the time. 🙂

I’ve noticed even in works-in-progress that my subconscious mind is alive and well. As much of a craft as writing is (and I’m a firm believer we can learn and improve), there is still so much mystery. But I suppose that’s part of what keeps us coming back to the keyboard.

At least I can say it sure isn’t the money… 🙂 Haha!

A wonderful post, managing the impossible: breaking down what honesty means to professional liars! 😀

As you say, it all starts with us being true to ourselves. Whenever we start censoring ourselves, we weaken our voice and betray our readers and our story.

Thank you for another great post!

Haha! We are definitely professional liars! 🙂

I struggled with this one for a while, because “honesty in writing” is one of those ephemeral things that we just sort of know when we see it. I worried over trying to define it, but so many aspiring authors were asking about it, that I had to give it a shot!

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Great, great, post. I hear you.

I’ve been yanked to the woodshed and had my ass set straight. Not much else I can say except thanks for taking time to put your thoughts and experience on the page here.

Spot-on, my man.

Thanks, Terry! I’ve been to that woodshed a few times myself. I always came out better for it. 🙂

NAILED IT! This is the single best blog post on writing I’ve ever read. I’ve felt so often that a lot of published books fell shy of the mark because the author was holding back. Thank you for writing this, Nat! Definitely sharing.

Thank you so much for those kind words, Danielle. And thank you for sharing the article!

Absolutely brilliant post! Great tips here, some I definitely need to remember when it comes to writing my next project! 🙂

Thank you, Mishka!

There are doors I don’t feel comfortable (yet) in opening with my writing. My journal even scares me off occasionally. I’m working on it. Good to know I’m not alone. Kat

You’re definitely not alone, Kat! Keep at it!

Hi Nat, we met on twitter. I’m a fellow writer, and I found this article to be very helpful. I agree a reader can tell if the author is not being honest with their writing. It’s something that I will make sure to keep in mind as I am writing my first novel. I’ve also linked this article to my facebook author page, and given you credit for it 🙂 hope it helps other writers out there!

My Twitter is @qamrosh_khan By the way 🙂

Thanks so much, Qamrosh! I’m glad you found the article helpful!

I completely agree with you here. I’ve only recently tried my hand at the ‘writing for money’ thing, but even I like those stories less than my true stories. I have always written just for me, after I was inspired by a performance or just stories that came from within me. Over the last year I’ve read a lot about how other people make money writing and selling erotica. So I tried it as well. To me, these stories just don’t work. They’re not true, the characters are too flat and they don’t make me any money. The only stories that I do sell are those that were true from within, even though they’re not about billionaires or bikers or fairy tales. It is funny to read stories that I have written a long time ago. It makes me wonder what I was writing or doing at the time, because my language is so different. And even though I am aware of it, even I need to remember to make life harder for my characters. They do not need to be in bed by midnight. Instead of something happening the next day around lunch time, it can happen at 3 am in the morning, no matter how inconvenient and tiresome that would be. It is something I need to be aware of and I need to take distance from now and then. Thank you for your article.

Thanks for stopping by, Liz!

You hit the nail on the head. If you’re writing something you’re not passionate about, the readers will know. Everything you write will feel lifeless because there’s no part of you in it.

Just to add a note to Jumping on the Bandwagon… I think it’s important to respect the genre you’re writing in. If you don’t read and enjoy YA/SF/romance/etc. then DON’T try to write it. You will be wasting your time.

Good point, Nicole. I think a writer has a responsibility to do some due diligence when it comes to research. Without at least some knowledge of the genre, you’ll never know which tropes work, which are overused, etc.

Thank you for this post! It was right on point. Honesty in writing is something I strive to accomplish in my own stories! 🙂

It can be a difficult thing to achieve for many, but I think it’s because the subject can be so hard to nail down. I’m glad you enjoyed the article!

It was great advice. Thanks for posting 🙂

Hey Nat…I came upon this post while researching how to be more honest in my songwriting. I’ve attempted to write longer and do very well with short stories, anything more than that though I just loose steam. I’ve been writing songs for about 20 years or so. I write a lot so can put together a pretty good story when I’ve finished one. People like the story aspect to it, the narrative, but I find that most of my songs have a hint of cheese to them. A guy like Tom Waits for instance, his writing rings true. It sounds like it comes from a place full of broken glass and lopped off fingers, real pain. He does it though without leaving you feel like you want to actually kill yourself, there is a certain optimism to it. Its like even though there’s all this crap out there, he’s going to machine right through because he doesn’t give a shit and thats whats cool about it. HST wrote like that too. Dylan writes like that. I’d like to write like that but when I make that attempt to speak that kind of truth it comes out as bad cheese. Like you said its about finding your truth and not trying to emulate some else’s. I journal just about every day and thats where its all truth, but you can’t put that down into a song… isn’t it too personal and really does anyone give a shit about my issues? Isn’t that what FB is for? Tripe indeed. Anyway i’m sure i’ll find my truth and get down to the depths of my being and bring something up that doesn’t stink, but I haven’t gotten there yet. Thanks for the thoughts though, they all apply to writing lyrics as well. Cheers.

Thanks, Joe!

The way I look at is that I represent a statistically significant portion of the population. So, *I* am my target audience. Turning this around on your songwriting, *you* are your target audience. The best advice I ever received was “be vulnerable”. I imagine that’s even more true for songwriters, because music touches the soul in a way that few other art forms do.

Thank you for an important piece in this big puzzle I’m trying to solve! 😉

While I was reading your post, I was clinging for that last point about emotions! I totally get why you saved it for the end. A couple of weeks ago I had an insight that gave me the creeps. I realized that the process of feeling (actively! consciously!), and to explore one’s own world of feelings might belong to the most underestimated aspects in the lives of so many human beings. I also spent years in my head trying to figure out so many things – and yes, it can be a blessing today, and a curse tomorrow. But there’s a lot more to it. Many people spend way too much time thinking, pondering, instead of trying to establish a stronger connection between their perception/actions/behavior and their feelings! It’s as if the mind is trapped in between, always trying to make sense of the world as an intermediary, with us being trapped in it! Besides, feelings are never constant, there’s always ups and downs, but compared with thoughts, which can be thought and communicated, feelings can be felt and expressed!

Greetings from Germany, keep up the good work!

Thanks so much for stopping by, Stevie! I lived in Germany (Viernheim) from 2003 – 2006 working as a contractor for the US Army in Heidelberg. I miss it so much! I’d move back in a heartbeat. Such a beautiful country!

It is so true about the power of reflection being underestimated. I was fortunate to pick up the regular practice while in the seminary. The Benedictine monks were definitely a reflective group of individuals!

I’m glad you enjoyed the article!

Nat, I attended the first session of a memoir writing workshop the other day and when I read a short piece I wrote about an incident in my childhood where I got caught making mischief. It was not particularly traumatic, just a memory of one of the first times I recall feeling guilty. The workshop leader said “Your writing is brilliant. It’s the kind of writing that sells. But it’s not honest. You have to make yourself vulnerable.” A few others in the group nodded, so I asked, “What do you mean by ‘not honest’?” Nobody spoke up except the leader, who said, “You need to put yourself in a dark room and light candles. Meditate.” Which was insulting since I’ve done that for years, and I keep a journal, and I blog. I’m not a dunce when it comes to self-reflection and I felt belittled. Now I’m not sure if I belong in the workshop. Your article is great but I don’t see myself in it, so now what? And how can my writing be “brilliant” or “the kind…that sells” if it’s “not honest”? Help!

The truth is only you can be the final arbiter of whether or not you’re being honest in your work. Workshops can be tricky to navigate sometimes, because you’ll often find the leader feels obligated to find something…anything…critically wrong with the work they’re presented with. The inherent power differential between “leader” and “attendee” often further compounds the issue. I would share your work with other objective third parties and get their take on it. But, I probably wouldn’t do that with other people at the same workshop. The well may have already been poisoned, so to speak.

It sounds to me like you’re a person given to reflection. That’s 90% of the battle right there. It could be that the leader read something that in her subjective estimation came across as if you were holding something back. But, truly, only you can know if that’s the case. So, my advice would be to take all advice with a grain of salt. 😀

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Hi Nat. I had read somewhere that to be a writer you must be honest about yourself to an extent that is excruciating for you to see on the page. I have just sent my first novel off to my editor. The substance abuse was easy to describe. The aspects of myself that were really hard were; I lived with a fear of being overwhelmed and believed if anyone found out, I would become a committed patient in the hospital where I worked; my moral cowardice when I was bullied at school for being a minister’s son; my constant attempts to wind Mum up about things she felt strongly about; my teenage belief that I had a genius philosopher within me ready to spring forth and surprise the world. I don’t know if the novel is good enough to be published. I may simply print a few copies and give them to friends who will be kind about it. Right now I feel drained and can’t imagine putting myself through such an ordeal again. But then again, I suspect I will not be able to stop myself if another idea surfaces. Your blog about honesty certainly resonates with me. Very inspiring. I will be reading other blogs you put out. David Shapcott

I’m so glad this article spoke to you, David. As far as your novel being good enough, barring any technical editing that needs to take place, you can rest assured that someone out there needs to read that story!

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3 Language and Meaning

Introduction

The relationship between language and meaning is not a straightforward one. One reason for this complicated relationship is the limitlessness of modern language systems like English (Crystal, 2005). Language is productive in the sense that there are an infinite number of utterances we can make by connecting existing words in new ways. In addition, there is no limit to a language’s vocabulary, as new words are coined daily. Of course, words aren’t the only things we need to communicate, and although verbal and nonverbal communication are closely related in terms of how we make meaning, nonverbal communication is not productive and limitless. Although we can only make a few hundred physical signs, we have about a million words in the English language. So with all this possibility, how does communication generate meaning?

We arrive at meaning through the interaction between our nervous and sensory systems and some stimulus outside of them. It is here, between what the communication models labeled as encoding and decoding, that meaning is generated as sensory information is interpreted. The indirect and sometimes complicated relationship between language and meaning can lead to confusion, frustration, or even humor. We may even experience a little of all three, when we stop to think about how there are some twenty-five definitions available to tell us the meaning of word meaning ! (Crystal, 2005) Since language and symbols are the primary vehicle for our communication, it is important that we not take the components of our verbal communication for granted.

3.1 Language is Symbolic

Our language system is primarily made up of symbols. A symbol is something that stands in for or represents something else. Symbols can be communicated verbally (speaking the word hello ), in writing (putting the letters H-E-L-L-O together), or nonverbally (waving your hand back and forth). In any case, the symbols we use stand in for something else, like a physical object or an idea, they do not actually correspond to the thing being referenced in any direct way.

The symbols we use combine to form language systems or codes. Codes are culturally agreed on and ever-changing systems of symbols that help us organize, understand, and generate meaning (Leeds-Hurwitz, 1993). There are about 6,000 language codes used in the world, and around 40 percent of those (2,400) are only spoken and do not have a written version (Crystal, 2005).

The symbolic nature of our communication is a quality unique to humans. Since the words we use do not have to correspond directly to a “thing” in our “reality,” we can communicate in abstractions. This property of language is called displacement . It refers to our ability to talk about events that are removed in space or time from a speaker and situation (Crystal, 2005).

For example, the word calculate comes from the Latin word calculus , which means “pebble.” However, what does a pebble have to do with calculations? Pebbles were used, very long ago, to calculate things before we developed verbal or written numbering systems (Hayakawa & Hayakawa, 1990). As I noted earlier, a farmer may have kept, in a box, one pebble for each of his chickens. Each pebble represented one chicken, meaning that each symbol (the pebble) had a direct correlation to another thing out in the world (its chicken). This system allowed the farmer to keep track of his livestock. He could periodically verify that each pebble had a corresponding chicken. If there was a discrepancy, he would know that a chicken was lost, stolen, or killed.

Later, symbols were developed that made accounting a little easier. Instead of keeping track of boxes of pebbles, the farmer could record a symbol like the word five or the numeral 15 that could stand in for five or fifteen pebbles. This demonstrates how our symbols have evolved and how some still carry that ancient history with them, even though we are unaware of it. While this evolution made communication easier in some ways, it also opened up room for misunderstanding, since the relationship between symbols and the objects or ideas they represented became less straightforward. Although the root of calculate means “pebble,” the word calculate today has at least six common definitions.

The Triangle of Meaning

The triangle of meaning is a model of communication that indicates the relationship among a thought, symbol, and referent and highlights the indirect relationship between the symbol and referent (Ogden & Richards, 1923). As you can see in figure 3.1 “Triangle of meaning,” the thought is the concept or idea a person references. The symbol is the word that represents the thought, and the referent is the object or idea to which the symbol refers.

This model is useful for us as communicators because when we are aware of the indirect relationship between symbols and referents, we are aware of how common misunderstandings occur, as the following example illustrates. Jasper and Abby have been thinking about getting a new dog. So each of them is having a similar thought. They are each using the same symbol, the word dog , to communicate about their thought. Their referents, however, are different. Jasper is thinking about a small dog like a dachshund, and Abby is thinking about an Australian shepherd. Since the word dog does not refer to one specific object in our reality, it is possible for them to have the same thought and use the same symbol only to find out the other person did not have the same thing in mind.

Being aware of this indirect relationship between symbol and referent, we can try to compensate for it by getting clarification. Abby might ask Jasper, “What kind of dog do you have in mind?” This question would allow Jasper to describe his referent, which would allow for more shared understanding. If Jasper responds, “Well, I like short-haired dogs. And we need a dog that will work well in an apartment,” then there is still quite a range of referents. Abby could ask questions for clarification, like “Sounds like you’re saying that a smaller dog might be better. Is that right?” Getting to a place of shared understanding can be difficult, even when we define our symbols and describe our referents.

Definitions

Definitions help us narrow the meaning of particular symbols, which also narrows a symbol’s possible referents. They also provide more words (symbols) for which we must determine a referent.

Words have denotative and connotative meanings. Denotation refers to definitions that are accepted by the language group as a whole, or the dictionary definition of a word. For example, the denotation of the word cowboy is a man who takes care of cattle. Another denotation is a reckless and/or independent person. A more abstract word, like change , would be more difficult to understand due to the multiple denotations.

Connotation refers to definitions that are based on emotion- or experience-based associations people have with a word. To go back to our previous words, change can have positive or negative connotations depending on a person’s experiences. A person who just ended a long-term relationship may think of change as good or bad depending on what he or she thought about his or her former partner. Even words like handkerchief that only have one denotation can have multiple connotations. A handkerchief can conjure up thoughts of dainty Southern belles or disgusting snot-rags.

A word like cowboy has many connotations, and philosophers of language have explored how connotations extend beyond one or two experiential or emotional meanings of a word to constitute cultural myths (Barthes, 1972). Cowboy , for example, connects to the frontier and the western history of the United States, which has mythologies associated with it that help shape the narrative of the nation. While people who grew up with cattle or have family that ranch may have a very specific connotation of the word cowboy based on personal experience, other people’s connotations may be more influenced by popular cultural symbolism like that seen in westerns.

Language is Learned

As we just learned, the relationship between the symbols that make up our language and their referents is arbitrary, which means they have no meaning until we assign it to them. In order to use a language effectively system, we have to learn, over time, which symbols go with which referents, since we cannot just tell by looking at the symbol. Like me, you probably learned what the word apple meant by looking at the letters A-P-P-L-E and a picture of an apple and having a teacher or caregiver help you sound out the letters until you said the whole word. Over time, we associated that combination of letters with the picture of the red delicious apple and no longer had to sound each letter out. This is a deliberate process that may seem slow in the moment, but as we will see next, our ability to acquire language is actually quite astounding. We did not just learn individual words and their meanings, though; we also learned rules of grammar that help us put those words into meaningful sentences.

The Rules of Language

Any language system has to have rules to make it learnable and usable. Grammar refers to the rules that govern how words are used to make phrases and sentences. Someone would likely know what you mean by the question “Where’s the remote control?” But “The control remote where’s?” is likely to be unintelligible or at least confusing (Crystal, 2005). Knowing the rules of grammar is important in order to be able to write and speak to be understood, but knowing these rules is not enough to make you an effective communicator. As we will learn later, creativity and play also have a role in effective verbal communication. Even though teachers have long enforced the idea that there are right and wrong ways to write and say words, there really is not anything inherently right or wrong about the individual choices we make in our language use. Rather, it is our collective agreement that gives power to the rules that govern language.

Looking back to our discussion of connotation, we can see how individuals play a role in how meaning and language are related, since we each bring our own emotional and experiential associations with a word that are often more meaningful than a dictionary definition. In addition, we have quite a bit of room for creativity, play, and resistance with the symbols we use. Have you ever had a secret code with a friend that only you knew? This can allow you to use a code word in a public place to get meaning across to the other person who is “in the know” without anyone else understanding the message. The fact that you can take a word, give it another meaning, have someone else agree on that meaning, and then use the word in your own fashion clearly shows that meaning is in people rather than words. As we will learn later, many slang words developed because people wanted a covert way to talk about certain topics like drugs or sex without outsiders catching on.

Language is Expressive Functions of Language

What utterances make up our daily verbal communication? Some of our words convey meaning, some convey emotions, and some actually produce actions. Language also provides endless opportunities for fun because of its limitless, sometimes nonsensical, and always changing nature. In this section, we will learn about the five functions of language, which show us that language is expressive, language is powerful, language is fun, language is dynamic, and language is relational.

Language is Expressive

Verbal communication helps us meet various needs through our ability to express ourselves. In terms of instrumental needs, we use verbal communication to ask questions that provide us with specific information. We also use verbal communication to describe things, people, and ideas. Verbal communication helps us inform, persuade, and entertain others, which as we will learn later are the three general purposes of public speaking. It is also through our verbal expressions that our personal relationships are formed. At its essence, language is expressive. Verbal expressions help us communicate our observations, thoughts, feelings, and needs (McKay, Davis, & Fanning, 1995).

Expressing Observations

When we express observations, we report on the sensory information we are taking or have taken in. Eyewitness testimony is a good example of communicating observations. Witnesses are not supposed to make judgments or offer conclusions; they only communicate factual knowledge as they experienced it. For example, a witness could say, “I saw a white Mitsubishi Eclipse leaving my neighbor’s house at 10:30 pm.” Observation and description occur in the first step of the perception-checking process. When you are trying to make sense of an experience, expressing observations in a descriptive rather than evaluative way can lessen defensiveness, which facilitates competent communication.

Expressing Thoughts

When we express thoughts, we draw conclusions based on what we have experienced. In the perception process, this is similar to the interpretation step. We take various observations and evaluate and interpret them to assign them meaning (a conclusion). Whereas our observations are based on sensory information (what we saw, what we read, what we heard), thoughts are connected to our beliefs (what we think is true/false), attitudes (what we like and dislike), and values (what we think is right/wrong or good/bad). Jury members are expected to express thoughts based on reported observations to help reach a conclusion about someone’s guilt or innocence. A juror might express the following thought: “The neighbor who saw the car leaving the night of the crime seemed credible. And the defendant seemed to have a shady past—I think he’s trying to hide something.” Sometimes people intentionally or unintentionally express thoughts as if they were feelings. For example, when people say, “I feel like you’re too strict with your attendance policy,” they are not really expressing a feeling; they are expressing a judgment about the other person (a thought).

Expressing Feelings

When we express feelings, we communicate our emotions. Expressing feelings is a difficult part of verbal communication, because there are many social norms about how, why, when, where, and to whom we express our emotions. Norms for emotional expression also vary based on nationality and other cultural identities and characteristics such as age and gender. In terms of age, young children are typically freer to express positive and negative emotions in public. Gendered elements intersect with age as boys grow older and are socialized into a norm of emotional restraint. Although individual men vary in the degree to which they are emotionally expressive, a prevailing social norm encourages and expects women to be more emotionally expressive than men.

Expressing feelings can be uncomfortable for those listening. Some people are generally not good at or comfortable with receiving and processing other people’s feelings. Even those with good empathetic listening skills can be positively or negatively affected by others’ emotions. Expressions of anger can be especially difficult to manage because they represent a threat to the face and self-esteem of others.

Despite the fact that expressing feelings is more complicated than other forms of expression, emotion sharing is an important part of how we create social bonds and empathize with others, and it can be improved.

In order to express our emotions, it is important that we develop an emotional vocabulary. The more specific we can be when we are verbally communicating our emotions, the less ambiguous our emotions will be for the person decoding our message. As we expand our emotional vocabulary, we are able to convey the intensity of the emotion we are feeling whether it is mild, moderate, or intense. For example, happy is mild, delighted is moderate, and ecstatic is intense; ignored is mild, rejected is moderate, and abandoned is intense (Hargie, 2011).

In a time when so much of our communication is electronically mediated, it is likely that we will communicate emotions through the written word in an e-mail, text, or instant message. We may also still use pen and paper when sending someone a thank-you note, a birthday card, or a sympathy card. Communicating emotions through the written (or typed) word can have advantages such as time to compose your thoughts and convey the details of what you are feeling. There are also disadvantages in that important context and nonverbal communication cannot be included. Things like facial expressions and tone of voice offer much insight into emotions that may not be expressed verbally. There is also a lack of immediate feedback. Sometimes people respond immediately to a text or e-mail, but think about how frustrating it is when you text someone and they do not get back to you right away. If you are in need of emotional support or want validation of an emotional message you just sent, waiting for a response could end up negatively affecting your emotional state.

Expressing Needs

When we express needs, we are communicating in an instrumental way to help us get things done. Since we usually know our needs more than others do, it is important for us to be able to convey those needs to others. Expressing needs can help us get a project done at work or help us navigate the changes of a long-term romantic partnership. Not expressing needs can lead to feelings of abandonment, frustration, or resentment. For example, if one romantic partner expresses the following thought “I think we’re moving too quickly in our relationship” but does not also express a need, the other person in the relationship does not have a guide for what to do in response to the expressed thought. Stating, “I need to spend some time with my hometown friends this weekend. Would you mind if I went home by myself?” would likely make the expression more effective. Be cautious of letting evaluations or judgments sneak into your expressions of need. Saying, “I need you to stop suffocating me!” really expresses a thought-feeling mixture more than a need.

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Language Is Powerful

The contemporary American philosopher David Abram wrote, “Only if words are felt, bodily presences, like echoes or waterfalls, can we understand the power of spoken language to influence, alter, and transform the perceptual world” (Abram, 1997). This statement encapsulates many of the powerful features of language. Next, we will discuss how language expresses our identities, affects our credibility, serves as a means of control, and performs actions.

Language Expresses our Identities

The power of language to express our identities varies depending on the origin of the label (self-chosen or other imposed) and the context. People are usually comfortable with the language they use to describe their own identities but may have issues with the labels others place on them. In terms of context, many people express their “Irish” identity on St. Patrick’s Day, but they may not think much about it over the rest of the year. There are many examples of people who have taken a label that was imposed on them, one that usually has negative connotations, and intentionally used it in ways that counter previous meanings. Some country music singers and comedians have reclaimed the label redneck , using it as an identity marker they are proud of rather than a pejorative term. Other examples of people reclaiming identity labels is the “black is beautiful” movement of the 1960s that repositioned black as a positive identity marker for African Americans and the “queer” movement of the 1980s and ’90s that reclaimed queer as a positive identity marker for some gay, lesbian, bisexual, and transgender people. Even though some people embrace reclaimed words, they still carry their negative connotations and are not openly accepted by everyone.

Language Affects our Credibility

One of the goals of this chapter is to help you be more competent with your verbal communication. People make assumptions about your credibility based on how you speak and what you say. Even though we have learned that meaning is in people rather than words and that the rules that govern verbal communication, like rules of grammar, are arbitrary, these norms still mean something. You do not have to be a perfect grammarian to be perceived as credible. In fact, if you followed the grammar rules for written communication to the letter you would actually sound strange, since our typical way of speaking is not as formal and structured as writing. However, you still have to support your ideas and explain the conclusions you make to be seen as competent. You have to use language clearly and be accountable for what you say in order to be seen as trustworthy. Using informal language and breaking social norms we have discussed so far would not enhance your credibility during a professional job interview, but it might with your friends at a tailgate party. Politicians know that the way they speak affects their credibility, but they also know that using words that are too scientific or academic can lead people to perceive them as eggheads, which would hurt their credibility. Politicians and many others in leadership positions need to be able to use language to put people at ease, relate to others, and still appear confident and competent.

Language is a Means of Control

Control is a word that has negative connotations, but our use of it here can be positive, neutral, or negative. Verbal communication can be used to reward and punish. We can offer verbal communication in the form of positive reinforcement to praise someone. We can withhold verbal communication or use it in a critical, aggressive, or hurtful way as a form of negative reinforcement.

Directives are utterances that try to get another person to do something. They can range from a rather polite ask or request to a more forceful command or insist . Context informs when and how we express directives and how people respond to them. Promises are often paired with directives in order to persuade people to comply, and those promises, whether implied or stated, should be kept in order to be an ethical communicator. Keep this in mind to avoid arousing false expectations on the part of the other person (Hayakawa & Hayakawa, 1990).

Rather than verbal communication being directed at one person as a means of control, the way we talk creates overall climates of communication that may control many. Verbal communication characterized by empathy, understanding, respect, and honesty creates open climates that lead to more collaboration and more information exchange. Verbal communication that is controlling, deceitful, and vague creates a closed climate in which people are less willing to communicate and less trusting (Brown, 2006).

Language is Dynamic

As we already learned, language is essentially limitless. We may create a one-of-a-kind sentence combining words in new ways and never know it. Aside from the endless structural possibilities, words change meaning, and new words are created daily. In this section, we will learn more about the dynamic nature of language by focusing on neologisms and slang.

Neologisms are newly coined or used words. Newly coined words are those that were just brought into linguistic existence. Newly used words make their way into languages in several ways, including borrowing and changing structure. Taking is actually a more fitting descriptor than borrowing , since we take words but do not really give them back. In any case, borrowing is the primary means through which languages expand. English is a good case in point. Most of its vocabulary is borrowed and does not reflect the language’s Germanic origins. English has been called the “vacuum cleaner of languages” (Crystal, 2005). Weekend is a popular English word based on the number of languages that have borrowed it. We have borrowed many words, like chic from French, karaoke from Japanese, and caravan from Arabic.

Existing words also change in their use and meaning. The digital age has given rise to some interesting changes in word usage. Before Facebook, the word friend had many meanings, but it was mostly used as a noun referring to a companion. The sentence, I’ll friend you , would not have made sense to many people just a few years ago because friend was not used as a verb. Google went from being a proper noun referring to the company to a more general verb that refers to searching for something on the Internet (perhaps not even using the Google search engine). Meanings can expand or contract without changing from a noun to a verb. Gay , an adjective for feeling happy, expanded to include gay as an adjective describing a person’s sexual orientation. Perhaps because of the confusion that this caused, the meaning of gay has contracted again, as the earlier meaning is now considered archaic, meaning it is no longer in common usage.

Slang is a great example of the dynamic nature of language. Slang refers to new or adapted words that are specific to a group, context, and/or time period; regarded as less formal; and representative of people’s creative play with language. Research has shown that only about 10 percent of the slang terms that emerge over a fifteen-year period survive. Many more take their place though, as new slang words are created using inversion, reduction, or old-fashioned creativity (Allan & Burridge, 2006).

Inversion is a form of word play that produces slang words like sick , wicked , and bad that refer to the opposite of their typical meaning. Reduction creates slang words such as pic , sec , and later from picture , second , and see you later . New slang words often represent what is edgy, current, or simply relevant to the daily lives of a group of people. Many creative examples of slang refer to illegal or socially taboo topics like sex, drinking, and drugs. It makes sense that developing an alternative way to identify drugs or talk about taboo topics could make life easier for the people who partake in such activities. Slang allows people who are in “in the know” to break the code and presents a linguistic barrier for unwanted outsiders. Taking a moment to think about the amount of slang that refers to being intoxicated on drugs or alcohol or engaging in sexual activity should generate a lengthy list.

Language is Relational

We use verbal communication to initiate, maintain, and terminate our interpersonal relationships. The first few exchanges with a potential romantic partner or friend help us size the other person up and figure out if we want to pursue a relationship or not. We then use verbal communication to remind others how we feel about them and to check in with them—engaging in relationship maintenance through language use. When negative feelings arrive and persist, or for many other reasons, we often use verbal communication to end a relationship.

Language Can Bring Us Together

Interpersonally, verbal communication is key to bringing people together and maintaining relationships. Whether intentionally or unintentionally, our use of words like I , you , we , our , and us affect our relationships. “We language” includes the words we , our , and us and can be used to promote a feeling of inclusiveness. “I language” can be useful when expressing thoughts, needs, and feelings because it leads us to “own” our expressions and avoid the tendency to mistakenly attribute the cause of our thoughts, needs, and feelings to others. Communicating emotions using “I language” may also facilitate emotion sharing by not making our conversational partner feel at fault or defensive. For example, instead of saying, “You’re making me crazy!” you could say, “I’m starting to feel really anxious because we can’t make a decision about this.” Conversely, “you language” can lead people to become defensive and feel attacked, which could be divisive and result in feelings of interpersonal separation.

Aside from the specific words that we use, the frequency of communication affects relationships. Of course, the content of what is said is important, but research shows that romantic partners who communicate frequently with each other and with mutual friends and family members experience less stress and uncertainty in their relationship and are more likely to stay together (McCornack, 2007).

When frequent communication combines with supportive messages , which are messages communicated in an open, honest, and non-confrontational way, people are sure to come together.

Language Can Separate Us

Whether its criticism, teasing, or language differences, verbal communication can also lead to feelings of separation. Language differences alone do not present insurmountable barriers. We can learn other languages with time and effort, there are other people who can translate and serve as bridges across languages, and we can communicate quite a lot nonverbally in the absence of linguistic compatibility. People who speak the same language can intentionally use language to separate. The words us and them can be a powerful start to separation.

Think of how language played a role in segregation in the United States as the Supreme Court upheld the notion of “separate but equal” and how apartheid affected South Africa as limits, based on finances and education, were placed on the black majority’s rights to vote. Symbols, both words and images, were a very important part of Hitler’s rise to power in the 1930s and ’40s in Europe. Various combinations of colored stars, triangles, letters, and other symbols were sewn onto the clothing or uniforms of people persecuted by the Nazis in order to classify them. People were labeled and reduced to certain characteristics rather than seen as complete humans, which facilitated the Nazis’ oppression, violence, and killing (Holocaust and Human Rights Education Center,2012).

At the interpersonal level, unsupportive messages can make others respond defensively, which can lead to feelings of separation and actual separation or dissolution of a relationship. It is impossible to be supportive in our communication all the time, but consistently unsupportive messages can hurt others’ self-esteem, escalate conflict, and lead to defensiveness. People who regularly use unsupportive messages may create a toxic win/lose climate in a relationship. Six verbal tactics that can lead to feelings of defensiveness and separation are global labels, sarcasm, dragging up the past, negative comparisons, judgmental “you” messages, and threats (McKay, Davis, & Fanning, 1995).

Common Types of Unsupportive Messages

• Global labels. “You’re a liar.” Labeling someone irresponsible, untrustworthy, selfish, or lazy calls his or her whole identity as a person into question. Such sweeping judgments and generalizations are sure to escalate a negative situation.
• Sarcasm. “No, you didn’t miss anything in class on Wednesday. We just sat here and looked at each other.” Even though sarcasm is often disguised as humor, it usually represents passive-aggressive behavior through which a person indirectly communicates negative feelings.
• Dragging up the past. “I should have known not to trust you when you never paid me back that $100 I let you borrow.” Bringing up negative past experiences is a tactic used by people when they do not want to discuss a current situation. Sometimes people have built up negative feelings that are suddenly let out by a seemingly small thing in the moment.
• Negative comparisons. “Jade graduated from college without any credit card debt. I guess you’re just not as responsible as her.” Holding a person up to the supposed standards or characteristics of another person can lead to feelings of inferiority and resentment. Parents and teachers may unfairly compare children to their siblings.
• Judgmental “you” messages. “You’re never going to be able to hold down a job.” Accusatory messages are usually generalized overstatements about another person that go beyond labeling but still do not describe specific behavior in a productive way.
• Threats. “If you don’t stop texting back and forth with your ex, both of you are going to regret it.” Threatening someone with violence or some other negative consequence usually signals the end of productive communication. Aside from the potential legal consequences, threats usually overcompensate for a person’s insecurity.

3.2 Using Words Well

Have you ever gotten lost because someone gave you directions that did not make sense to you? Have you ever puzzled over the instructions for how to put something like a bookshelf or grill together? When people do not use words well, there are consequences that range from mild annoyance to legal actions. When people do use words well, they can be inspiring and make us better people. In this section, we will learn how to use words well by using words clearly, using words affectively, and using words ethically.

Using Words Clearly

The level of clarity with which we speak varies depending on whom we talk to, the situation we are in, and our own intentions and motives. We sometimes make a deliberate effort to speak as clearly as possible. We can indicate this concern for clarity nonverbally by slowing our rate and increasing our volume or verbally by saying, “Frankly…” or “Let me be clear…” Sometimes it can be difficult to speak clearly—for example, when we are speaking about something with which we are unfamiliar. Emotions and distractions can also interfere with our clarity. Being aware of the varying levels of abstraction within language can help us create clearer and more “whole” messages.

Level of Abstraction

The ladder of abstraction is a model used to illustrate how language can range from concrete to abstract. As we follow a concept up the ladder of abstraction, more and more of the “essence” of the original object is lost or left out, which leaves more room for interpretation, which can lead to misunderstanding. This process of abstracting, of leaving things out, allows us to communicate more effectively because it serves as a shorthand that keeps us from having a completely unmanageable language filled with millions of words—each referring to one specific thing (Hayakawa & Hayakawa, 1990). However, it requires us to use context and other words to generate shared meaning. Some words are more directly related to a concept or idea than others are. If I asked you to go take a picture of a book, you could do that. If I asked you to go and take a picture of “work,” you couldn’t because work is an abstract word that was developed to refer to any number of possibilities from the act of writing a book, to repairing an air conditioner, to fertilizing an organic garden. You could take a picture of any of those things, but you cannot take a picture of “work.”

You can see the semanticist S. I. Hayakawa’s classic example of the abstraction ladder with “Bessie the cow” in figure 3.5 “Ladder of abstraction” (Hayakawa & Hayakawa, 1990). At the lowest level, we have something that is very concrete. At this level, we are actually in the moment of experiencing the stimuli that is coming in through our senses. We perceive the actual “thing,” which is the “cow” in front of us (either in person or as an image). This is concrete, because it is unmediated, meaning it is actually the moment of experience. As we move up a level, we give the experience a name—we are looking at “Bessie.” So now, instead of the direct experience with the “thing” in front of us, we have given the thing a name, which takes us one step away from the direct experience to the use of a more abstract symbol. Now we can talk and think about Bessie even when we are not directly experiencing her. At the next level, the word cow now lumps Bessie in with other bovine creatures that share similar characteristics. As we go on up the ladder, cow becomes livestock , livestock becomes an asset , and then an asset becomes wealth . Note that it becomes increasingly difficult to define the meaning of the symbol as we go up the ladder. With each step, we lose more of the characteristics of the original concrete experience.

When shared referents are important, we should try to use language that is lower on the ladder of abstraction. Being intentionally concrete is useful when giving directions, for example, and can help prevent misunderstanding. We sometimes intentionally use abstract language. Since abstract language is often unclear or vague, we can use it as a means of testing out a potential topic (like asking a favor), offering negative feedback indirectly (to avoid hurting someone’s feelings or to hint), or avoiding the specifics of a topic.

Definitions and Clarity

Knowing more about the role that abstraction plays in the generation of meaning can help us better describe and define the words we use. As we learned earlier, denotative definitions are those found in the dictionary—the official or agreed-on definition. Since definitions are composed of other words, people who compile dictionaries take for granted that there is a certain amount of familiarity with the words used to define another word—otherwise we would just be going in circles.

One challenge we face when defining words is our tendency to go up the ladder of abstraction rather than down (Hayakawa & Hayakawa, 1990). For example, if asked to define the word blue , you would likely say it is a color. If asked what a color is, you would say it is a tint or characteristic of the appearance of a particular thing. To define more clearly, by going down the ladder of abstraction, you could say, “It’s the color of Frank Sinatra’s eyes,” or “It’s what the sky looks like on a clear day.” People often come to understanding more quickly when a definition is descriptive and/or ties into their personal experiences. Definitions are not useless, but they are usually best when paired with examples.

Jargon refers to specialized words used by a certain group or profession. Since jargon is specialized, it is often difficult to relate to a diverse audience and should therefore be limited when speaking to people from outside the group—or at least be clearly defined when it is used.

Using Words Affectively

Affective language refers to language used to express a person’s feelings and create similar feelings in another person (Hayakawa & Hayakawa, 1990). Affective language can be intentionally used in relational contexts to create or enhance interpersonal bonds and can be effectively employed in public speaking to engage an audience and motivate them in particular ways. We also use affective language spontaneously and less intentionally. People who “speak from the heart” connect well with others due to the affective nature of their words. Sometimes people become so filled with emotion that they have to express it, and these exclamations usually arouse emotions in others. Hearing someone exclaim, “I’m so happy!” can evoke similar feelings of joy, while hearing someone exclaim, “Why me!?” while sobbing conjures up similar feelings of sadness and frustration. There are also specific linguistic devices that facilitate affective communication.

Figurative Language

When people say something is a “figure of speech,” they are referring to a word or phrase that deviates from expectations in some way in meaning or usage (Yaguello, 1998). Figurative language is the result of breaking semantic rules, but in a way that typically enhances meaning or understanding rather than diminishes it. To understand figurative language, a person has to be familiar with the semantic rules of a language and with social norms and patterns within a cultural and/or language group, which makes it difficult for nonnative speakers to grasp. Figurative language has the ability to convey much meaning in fewer words, because some of the meaning lies in the context of usage (what a listener can imply by the deviation from semantic norms) and in the listener (how the listener makes meaning by connecting the figurative language to his or her personal experience). Some examples of figurative speech include simile, metaphor, and personification.

A simile is a direct comparison of two things using the words like or as . Similes can be very explicit for conveying a specific meaning and can help increase clarity and lead people to connect personally to a meaning since they have to visualize the comparison in their mind. For example, Forrest Gump’s famous simile, “Life is like a box of chocolates. You never know what you’re gonna get,” conjures up feelings of uncertainty and excitement. More direct similes like “I slept like a baby” and “That bread was hard as a rock” do not necessarily stir the imagination but still offer an alternative way of expressing something.

A metaphor is an implicit comparison of two things that are not alike and/or are not typically associated. They become meaningful as people realize the speaker’s purpose for relating the two seemingly disparate ideas. Metaphors are figurative devices that can make our writing and speaking richer, but they require a person to balance creative associations among ideas with the common rules of the language if people are expected to figure out the meaning behind the association. A speaker must have the linguistic knowledge and insight to realize when a nonliteral use of words or ideas will be more meaningful than a literal and conventional use of those words. Metaphors challenge the imagination, which can cause each person to make sense of the metaphor in his or her own way (Olbricht, 1968).

Many metaphors spring from our everyday experiences. For example, many objects have been implicitly compared to human body parts; for example, we say a clock has hands and a face. Personification refers to the attribution of human qualities or characteristics of other living things to nonhuman objects or abstract concepts. This can be useful when trying to make something abstract more concrete and can create a sense of urgency or “realness” out of something that is hard for people to conceive. Personification has been used successfully in public awareness campaigns because it allows people to identify with something they think might not be relevant to them.

Evocative Language

Vivid language captures people’s attention and their imagination by conveying emotions and action. Think of the array of mental images that a poem or a well-told story from a friend can conjure up. Evocative language can also lead us to have physical reactions. Words like shiver and heartbroken can lead people to remember previous physical sensations related to the word. As a speaker, there may be times when evoking a positive or negative reaction could be beneficial. Evoking a sense of calm could help you talk a friend through troubling health news. Evoking a sense of agitation and anger could help you motivate an audience to action. When we are conversing with a friend or speaking to an audience, we are primarily engaging others’ visual and auditory senses. Evocative language can help your conversational partner or audience members feel, smell, or taste something as well as hear it and see it. Good writers know how to use words effectively and affectively. A well-written story, whether it is a book or screenplay, will contain all the previous elements. The rich fantasy worlds conceived in Star Trek , The Lord of the Rings , Twilight , and Harry Potter show the power of figurative and evocative language to capture our attention and our imagination.

Some words are so evocative that their usage violates the social norms of appropriate conversations. Although we could use such words to shock people, we can also use euphemisms, or less evocative synonyms for or indirect references to words or ideas that are deemed inappropriate to discuss directly. We have many euphemisms for things like excretory acts, sex, and death (Allan & Burridge, 2006). While euphemisms can be socially useful and creative, they can also lead to misunderstanding and problems in cases where communication that is more direct is warranted despite social conventions.

Using Words Ethically

Communication is irreversible. The National Communication Association’s “Credo for Ethical Communication” states that we should be accountable for the long- and short-term effects of our communication (National Communication Association, 2012). The way we talk, the words we choose to use, and the actions we take after we are done speaking are all important aspects of communication ethics. Knowing that language can have real effects for people increases our need to be aware of the ethical implications of what we say. Hate speech and bias are important aspects of communication ethics on language and culture. In this section, we will focus on civility and accountability.

Our strong emotions regarding our own beliefs, attitudes, and values can sometimes lead to incivility in our verbal communication. Incivility occurs when a person deviates from established social norms. It can take many forms, including insults, bragging, bullying, gossiping, swearing, deception, and defensiveness, among others (Miller, 2001). Some people lament that we live in a time when civility is diminishing, but since standards and expectations for what is considered civil communication have changed over time, this isn’t the only time such claims have been made (Miller, 2001). As individualism and affluence have increased in many societies, so have the number of idiosyncratic identities that people feel they have the right to express. These increases could contribute to the impression that society is becoming less civil, when in fact it is just becoming different. As we learned in our section on perception and personality, we tend to assume other people are like us, and we may be disappointed or offended when we realize they are not. Cultural changes have probably contributed to making people less willing to engage in self-restraint, which again would be seen as uncivil by people who prefer a more restrained and self-controlled expression (Miller, 2001). The following are some common individual and situational influences that may lead to breaches of civility (Miller, 2001):

• Individual differences. Some people differ in their interpretations of civility in various settings, and some people have personality traits that may lead to actions deemed uncivil on a more regular basis.
• Ignorance. In some cases, especially in novel situations involving uncertainty, people may not know what social norms and expectations are.
• Lack of skill. Even when we know how to behave, we may not be able to do it. Such frustrations may lead a person to revert to undesirable behavior such as engaging in personal attacks during a conflict because they do not know what else to do.
• Lapse of control. Self-control is not an unlimited resource. Even when people know how to behave and have the skill to respond to a situation appropriately, they may not do so. Even people who are careful to monitor their behavior have occasional slipups.
• Negative intent. Some people, in an attempt to break with conformity or challenge societal norms, or for self-benefit (publicly embarrassing someone in order to look cool or edgy), are openly uncivil. Such behavior can also result from mental or psychological stresses or illnesses.

Polarizing Language

Philosophers of language have long noted our tendency to represent the world in very narrow ways when we feel threatened (Hayakawa & Hayakawa, 1990). This misrepresents reality and closes off dialogue. Although in our everyday talk we describe things in nuanced and measured ways, quarrels and controversies often narrow our vision, which is reflected in our vocabulary. In order to maintain a civil discourse in which people interact ethically and competently, it has been suggested that we keep an open mind and an open vocabulary.

One feature of communicative incivility is polarizing language, which refers to language that presents people, ideas, or situations as polar opposites. Such language exaggerates differences and overgeneralizes. Things are not simply black or white, right or wrong, or good or bad. Being able to see only two values and clearly accepting one and rejecting another does not indicate sophisticated or critical thinking. We do not have to accept every viewpoint as right and valid, and we can still hold strongly to our own beliefs and defend them without ignoring other possibilities, rejecting, or alienating others. A citizen who says, “All cops are corrupt,” is just as wrong as the cop who says, “All drug users are scum.” In avoiding polarizing language, we keep a more open mind, which may lead us to learn something new. A citizen may have a personal story about a negative encounter with a police officer that could enlighten us on his or her perspective, but the statement also falsely overgeneralizes that experience. Avoiding polarizing language can help us avoid polarized thinking, and the new information we learn may allow us to better understand and advocate for our position. Avoiding sweeping generalizations allows us to speak more clearly and avoid defensive reactions from others that result from such blanket statements.

Scholars have identified two main types of swearing: social swearing and annoyance swearing (Baruch & Jenkins, 2007). People engage in social swearing to create social bonds or for impression management (to seem cool or attractive). This type of swearing is typically viewed as male dominated, but some research studies have shown that the differences in frequency and use of swearing by men and women are not as vast as perceived. Nevertheless, there is generally more of a social taboo against women swearing than men, but as you already know, communication is contextual. Annoyance swearing provides a sense of relief, as people use it to manage stress and tension, which can be a preferred alternative to physical aggression. In some cases, swearing can be cathartic, allowing a person to release emotions that might otherwise lead to more aggressive or violent actions.

Accountability

The complexity of our verbal language system allows us to present inferences as facts and mask judgments within seemingly objective or oblique language. As an ethical speaker and a critical listener, it is important to be able to distinguish between facts, inferences, and judgments (Hayakawa & Hayakawa, 1990). Inferences are conclusions based on thoughts or speculation, but not direct observation. Facts are conclusions based on direct observation or group consensus. Judgments are expressions of approval or disapproval that are subjective and not verifiable.

Linguists have noted that a frequent source of miscommunication is inference-observation confusion , or the misperception of an inference (conclusion based on limited information) as an observation (an observed or agreed-on fact) (Haney, 1992). We can see the possibility for such confusion in the following example: If a student posts on a professor-rating site the statement “This professor grades unfairly and plays favorites,” then they are presenting an inference and a judgment that could easily be interpreted as a fact. Using some of the strategies discussed earlier for speaking clearly can help present information in a more ethical way—for example, by using concrete and descriptive language and owning emotions and thoughts through the use of “I language.” To help clarify the message and be more accountable, the student could say, “I worked for three days straight on my final paper and only got a C,” which we will assume is a statement of fact. This could then be followed up with “But my friend told me she only worked on hers the day before it was due and she got an A. I think that’s unfair and I feel like my efforts aren’t recognized by the professor.” Of the last two statements, the first states what may be a fact (note, however, that the information is secondhand rather than directly observed) and the second states an inferred conclusion and expresses an owned thought and feeling. Sometimes people do not want to mark their statements as inferences because they want to believe them as facts. In this case, the student may have attributed her grade to the professor’s “unfairness” to cover up or avoid thoughts that her friend may be a better student in this subject area, a better writer, or a better student in general. Distinguishing between facts, inferences, and judgments, however, allows your listeners to better understand your message and judge the merits of it, which makes us more accountable and therefore more ethical speakers.

3.3 Language, Society, and Culture

Society and culture influence the words that we speak, and the words that we speak influence society and culture. Such a cyclical relationship can be difficult to understand, but many of the examples here and examples from our own lives help illustrate this point. One of the best ways to learn about society, culture, and language is to seek out opportunities to go beyond our typical comfort zones. Studying abroad, for example, brings many challenges that can turn into valuable lessons.

Language and Social Context

We arrive at meaning through conversational interaction, which follows many social norms and rules. As we have already learned, rules are explicitly stated conventions (“Look at me when I’m talking to you.”) and norms are implicit (saying you have to leave before you actually do to initiate politely the end to a conversation). To help conversations function meaningfully, we have learned social norms and internalized them to such an extent that we do not often consciously enact them. Instead, we rely on routines and roles (as determined by social forces) to help us proceed with verbal interaction, which also helps determine how a conversation will unfold. Our various social roles influence how we speak. For example, a person may say, “As a longtime member of this community…” or “As a first-generation college student…” Such statements cue others into the personal and social context from which we are speaking, which helps them better interpret our meaning.

One social norm that structures our communication is turn taking. People need to feel like they are contributing something to an interaction, so turn taking is a central part of how conversations play out (Crystal, 2005). Although we sometimes talk at the same time as others or interrupt them, there are numerous verbal and nonverbal cues, almost like a dance, that are exchanged between speakers that let people know when their turn will begin or end. Conversations do not always neatly progress from beginning to end with shared understanding along the way. There is a back and forth that is often verbally managed through rephrasing (“Let me try that again,”) and clarification (“Does that make sense?”) (Crystal, 2005)

Ending a conversation is similarly complex. Just walking away or ending a conversation without engaging in socially acceptable “leave-taking behaviors” would be considered a breach of social norms. Topic changes are often places where people can leave a conversation, but it is still routine for us to give a special reason for leaving, often in an apologetic tone (whether we mean it or not). Generally, though, conversations end through the cooperation of both people, as they offer and recognize typical signals that a topic area has been satisfactorily covered or that one or both people need to leave. It is customary in the United States for people to say they have to leave before they actually do and for that statement to be dismissed or ignored by the other person until additional leave-taking behaviors are enacted. When such cooperation is lacking, an awkward silence or abrupt ending can result, and as we have already learned, US Americans are not big fans of silence. Silence is not viewed the same way in other cultures, which leads us to our discussion of cultural context.

Language and Cultural Context

Culture is not solely determined by a person’s native language or nationality. It’s true that languages vary by country and region and that the language we speak influences our realities, but even people who speak the same language experience cultural differences because of their various intersecting cultural identities and personal experiences. We have a tendency to view our language as a whole more favorably than other languages. Although people may make persuasive arguments regarding which languages are more pleasing to the ear or difficult or easy to learn than others, no one language enables speakers to communicate more effectively than another (McCornack, 2007).

From birth, we are socialized into our various cultural identities. As with the social context, this acculturation process is a combination of explicit and implicit lessons. A child in Colombia, which is considered a more collectivist country in which people value group membership and cohesion over individualism, may not be explicitly told, “You are a member of a collectivistic culture, so you should care more about the family and community than yourself.” This cultural value would be transmitted through daily actions and through language use. Just as babies acquire knowledge of language practices at an astonishing rate in their first two years of life, so do they acquire cultural knowledge and values that are embedded in those language practices. At nine months old, it is possible to distinguish babies based on their language. Even at this early stage of development, when most babies are babbling and just learning to recognize but not wholly reproduce verbal interaction patterns, a Colombian baby would sound different from a Brazilian baby, even though neither would actually be using words from their native languages of Spanish and Portuguese (Crystal, 2005).

Customs and Norms

Social norms are culturally relative. The words used in politeness rituals in one culture can mean something completely different in another. For example, thank you in American English acknowledges receiving something (a gift, a favor, a compliment), in British English it can mean “yes” similar to American English’s yes, please, and in French merci can mean “no” as in “no, thank you” (Crystal, 2005). Additionally, what is considered a powerful language style varies from culture to culture. Confrontational language, such as swearing, can be seen as powerful in Western cultures, even though it violates some language taboos, but would be seen as immature and weak in Japan (Wetzel, 1988).

Gender also affects how we use language, but not to the extent that most people think. Although there is a widespread belief that men are more likely to communicate in a clear and straightforward way and women are more likely to communicate in an emotional and indirect way, a meta-analysis of research findings from more than two hundred studies found only small differences in the personal disclosures of men and women (Dindia & Allen, 1992). Men and women’s levels of disclosure are even more similar when engaging in cross-gender communication, meaning men and woman are more similar when speaking to each other than when men speak to men or women speak to women. This could be due to the internalized pressure to speak about the other gender in socially sanctioned ways, in essence reinforcing the stereotypes when speaking to the same gender but challenging them in cross-gender encounters. Researchers also dispelled the belief that men interrupt more than women do, finding that men and women interrupt each other with similar frequency in cross-gender encounters (Dindia, 1987). These findings, which state that men and women communicate more similarly during cross-gender encounters and then communicate in more stereotypical ways in same-gender encounters, can be explained with communication accommodation theory.

Language and Cultural Bias

Cultural bias is a skewed way of viewing or talking about a group negatively. Bias has a way of creeping into our daily language use, often under our awareness. Culturally biased language can refer to one or more cultural identities, including race, gender, age, sexual orientation, and ability. Much biased language is based on stereotypes and myths that influence the words we use. Bias is both intentional and unintentional, but as we’ve already discussed, we have to be accountable for what we say even if we didn’t “intend” a particular meaning—remember, meaning is generated; it doesn’t exist inside our thoughts or words. We will discuss specific ways in which cultural bias manifests in our language and ways to become more aware of bias. Becoming aware of and addressing cultural bias is not the same thing as engaging in “political correctness.” Political correctness takes awareness to the extreme but does not do much to address cultural bias aside from make people feel like they are walking on eggshells. That kind of pressure can lead people to avoid discussions about cultural identities or avoid people with different cultural identities. Our goal is not to eliminate all cultural bias from verbal communication or to never offend anyone, intentionally or otherwise. Instead, we will continue to use guidelines for ethical communication that we have already discussed and strive to increase our competence.

People sometimes use euphemisms for race that illustrate bias because the terms are implicitly compared to the dominant group (Publication Manual of the American Psychological Association, 2019). For example, referring to a person as “urban” or a neighborhood as “inner city” can be an accurate descriptor, but when such words are used as a substitute for racial identity, they illustrate cultural biases that equate certain races with cities and poverty. Using adjectives like articulate or well dressed in statements like “My black coworker is articulate” reinforces negative stereotypes even though these words are typically viewed as positive. Terms like nonwhite set up whiteness as the norm, which implies that white people are the norm against which all other races should be compared. Biased language also reduces the diversity within certain racial groups—for example, referring to anyone who looks like they are of Asian descent as Chinese or everyone who “looks” Latino/a as Mexicans. Some people with racial identities other than white, including people who are multiracial, use the label person/people of color to indicate solidarity among groups, but it is likely that they still prefer a more specific label when referring to an individual or referencing a specific racial group.

Language has a tendency to exaggerate perceived and stereotypical differences between men and women. The use of the term opposite sex presumes that men and women are opposites, like positive and negative poles of a magnet, which is obviously not true, or men and women would not be able to have successful interactions or relationships. A term like other gender does not presume opposites and acknowledges that male and female identities and communication are more influenced by gender, which is the social and cultural meanings and norms associated with males and females, than sex, which is the physiology and genetic makeup of a male and female.

One key to avoiding gendered bias in language is to avoid the generic use of he when referring to something relevant to males and females. Instead, you can informally use a gender-neutral pronoun like they or their or you can use his or her (Publication Manual of the American Psychological Association, 2019). When giving a series of examples, you can alternate usage of masculine and feminine pronouns, switching with each example. We have lasting gendered associations with certain occupations that have tended to be male or female dominated, which erase the presence of both genders. Other words reflect the general masculine bias present in English. The following word pairs show the gender-biased term followed by an unbiased term: waitress/server, chairman/chair or chairperson, mankind/people, cameraman/camera operator, mailman/postal worker, sportsmanship/fair play. Common language practices also tend to infantilize women but not men, when, for example, women are referred to as chicks , girls , or babes . Since there is no linguistic equivalent that indicates the marital status of men before their name. Using Ms. instead of Miss or Mrs. helps reduce bias.

Language that includes age bias can be directed toward older or younger people. Descriptions of younger people often presume recklessness or inexperience, while those of older people presume frailty or disconnection. The term elderly generally refers to people over sixty-five, but it has connotations of weakness, which is not accurate because there are plenty of people over sixty-five who are stronger and more athletic than people in their twenties and thirties. Even though it is generic, older people does not really have negative implications. More specific words that describe groups of older people include grandmothers/grandfathers (even though they can be fairly young too), retirees , or people over sixty-five (Publication Manual of the American Psychological Association, 2019). Referring to people over the age of eighteen as boys or girls is not typically viewed as appropriate.

Sexual Orientation

Discussions of sexual and affectional orientation range from everyday conversations to contentious political and personal debates. The negative stereotypes that have been associated with homosexuality, including deviance, mental illness, and criminal behavior, continue to influence our language use (American Psychological Association, 2019). Terminology related to gay, lesbian, and bisexual (GLB) people can be confusing, so let’s spend some time raise our awareness about preferred labels. First, sexual orientation is the term preferred to sexual preference . Preference suggests a voluntary choice, as in someone has a preference for cheddar or American cheese, which doesn’t reflect the experience of most GLB people or research findings that show sexuality is more complex. You may also see affectional orientation included with sexual orientation because it acknowledges that GLB relationships, like heterosexual relationships, are about intimacy and closeness (affection) that is not just sexually based. Most people also prefer the labels gay , lesbian , or bisexual to homosexual , which is clinical and does not so much refer to an identity as a sex act.

People with disabilities make up a diverse group that has increasingly come to be viewed as a cultural/social identity group. People without disabilities are often referred to as able-bodied . As with sexual orientation, comparing people with disabilities to “normal” people implies that there is an agreed-on definition of what “normal” is and that people with disabilities are “abnormal.” Disability is also preferred to the word handicap . Just because someone is disabled does not mean he or she is also handicapped. The environment around them rather than their disability often handicaps people with disabilities (Publication Manual of the American Psychological Association, 2019). Ignoring the environment as the source of a handicap and placing it on the person fits into a pattern of reducing people with disabilities to their disability—for example, calling someone a paraplegic instead of a person with paraplegia. In many cases, as with sexual orientation, race, age, and gender, verbally marking a person as disabled is not relevant and does not need spotlighting. Language used in conjunction with disabilities also tends to portray people as victims of their disability and paint pictures of their lives as gloomy, dreadful, or painful. Such descriptors are often generalizations or completely inaccurate.

Figure 3.1: Triangle of meaning. Kindred Grey. 2022. CC BY 4.0 .

Table 3.1: Four types of verbal expressions. Adapted from Matthew McKay, Martha Davis, and Patrick Fanning, Messages: Communication Skills Book, 2nd ed. (Oakland, CA: New Harbinger Publications, 1995), 34–36.

Figure 3.2: “Google” is a neologism; the term went from being just a noun to both a noun and a verb. Nathana Rebouças. 2020. Unsplash license . https://unsplash.com/photos/O5v8heKY4cI

Figure 3.3: Example of a supportive message. Kindred Grey. 2022. CC BY 4.0 .

Figure 3.4: Example of an unsupportive message. Kindred Grey. 2022. CC BY 4.0 .

Figure 3.5: Ladder of abstraction. Kindred Grey. 2022. CC BY 4.0 . Adapted under fair use from S. I. Hayakawa and Alan R. Hayakawa, Language in Thought and Action, 5th ed. (San Diego, CA: Harcourt Brace, 1990), 85.

Figure 3.6: Common types of cultural bias. Kindred Grey. 2022. CC BY 4.0 .

Section 3.1

Abram, D. (1997). Spell of the sensuous: Perception and language in a more-than-human world . Vintage Books.

Barthes, R. (1972). Mythologies (A. Lavers, Trans.). Hill and Wang.

Brown, G. A. (2006). Explaining. In O. Hargie (Ed.), The handbook of communication skills . Routledge.

Crystal, D. (2005). How language works: How babies babble, words change meaning, and languages live or die . Overlook Press.

Hargie, O. (2011). Skilled interpersonal interaction: Research, theory, and practice . Routledge.

Hayakawa, S. I., & Hayakawa, A. R. (1990). Language in thought and action (5th ed.).  Harcourt Brace.

Holocaust and Human Rights Education Center. (n.d.). Lesson 4: 1939–1942, Persecution and segregation. Retrieved November 11, 2021 from https://hhrecny.app.neoncrm.com/np/clients/hhrecny/product.jsp?product=26&

McCornack, S. (2007). Reflect and relate: An introduction to interpersonal communication . Bedford/St Martin’s.

McKay, M., Davis, M., & Fanning, P. (1995). Messages: Communication skills book (2nd ed.). New Harbinger Publications.

Ogden, C.K., & Richards, I.A. (1923). The meaning of meaning. Harcourt, Brace.

Section 3.2

Allan, K., & Burridge, K. (2006). Forbidden words: Taboo and the censoring of language . Cambridge University Press.

Baruch, Y., & Jenkins, S. (2007). Swearing at work and permissive leadership culture: When anti-social becomes social and incivility is acceptable. Leadership & Organization Development Journal, 28 (6), 492–507. https://doi.org/10.1108/01437730710780958

Haney, W. V. (1992). Communication and Interpersonal relations: Text and cases . Pennsylvania State University Press.

Miller, R. S. (2001). Breaches of propriety. In R. M. Kowalski (Ed.), Behaving badly: Aversive behaviors in interpersonal relationships (pp. 29–58). American Psychological Association. https://doi.org/10.1037/10365-002

National Communication Association. (2017). NCA credo for ethical communication. Retrieved November 12, 2021 from https://www.natcom.org/sites/default/files/Public_Statement_Credo_for_Ethical_Communication_2017.pdf

Olbricht, T. H. (1968). Informative speaking . Scott, Foresman.

Yaguello, M. (1998). Language through the looking glass: Exploring language and linguistics .  Oxford University Press.

Section 3.3

American Psychological Association. (2019). Publication manual of the American Psychological Association 7th ed.). American Psychological Association.

American Psychological Association. (2019). Supplemental resources. https://apastyle.apa.org/products/supplemental-resources

Dindia, K. (1987). The effect of sex of subject and sex of partner on interruptions. Human Communication Research, 13 (3), 345-371. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1468-2958.1987.tb00109.x

Dindia, K., & Allen, M. (1992). Sex differences in self-disclosure: A meta-analysis. Psychological Bulletin, 112 (1), 106–124. https://doi.org/10.1037/0033-2909.112.1.106

Something that stands in for or represents something else

Culturally agreed on and ever-changing systems of symbols that help us organize, understand and generate meaning

Refers to our ability to talk and events that are removed in space or time from a speaker and situation

A model of communication that indicates the relationship among a thought, symbol, and referent and highlights indirect relationship between the symbol and referent

Refers to definitions that are accepted by the language group as a whole, or the dictionary definition of a word

Refers to the definitions that are based on emotion- or experience-based associations people have with a word

Refers to the rules that govern how words are used to make phrases and sentences

Language is expressive. Helps us communicate our observations, thoughts, feelings, and needs

Refers to new or adapted words that are specific to one group, context, or time period

Refers to specialized words used by certain group or profession

A direct comparison of two things using the words like or as

An implicit comparison of two things that are not alike and/or are not typically associated

Conclusions based on thoughts or speculation, but not direct observation

Conclusions based on direct observation or group consensus

Communication in the Real World Copyright © by Faculty members in the School of Communication Studies, James Madison University is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike 4.0 International License , except where otherwise noted.

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• NicoleDeRosa
• Jun 13, 2021

Formulation of an Assertive Statement + Assertive Communication

Assertiveness is communicating and expressing your thoughts, feelings, and opinions in a way that makes your views and needs clearly understood by others, without putting down their thoughts, feelings, or opinions. Assertive communication is the ability to express positive and negative ideas and feelings in an open, honest and direct way.

It recognises our rights while still respecting the rights of others. It allows us to take responsibility for ourselves and our actions without judging or blaming other people. And it allows us to constructively confront and find a mutually satisfying solution where conflict exists.

Why Use Assertive Communication?

All of us use assertive behaviour at times... quite often when we feel vulnerable or unsure of ourselves we may resort to submissive, manipulative or aggressive behaviour.

Yet being trained in assertive communication actually increases the appropriate use of this sort of behaviour. It enables us to swap old behaviour patterns for a more positive approach to life. I've found that changing my response to others (be they work colleagues, clients or even my own family) can be exciting and stimulating.

Advantages of Assertiveness Skills in Communication

There are many advantages of assertiveness skills in communication, most notably these:

Assertiveness helps us feel good about ourselves and others

Assertiveness leads to the development of mutual respect with others

Assertiveness increases our self-esteem

Assertiveness helps us achieve our goals

Assertiveness minimises hurting and alienating other people

Assertiveness reduces anxiety

Assertiveness protects us from being taken advantage of by others

Assertiveness enables us to make decisions and free choices in life

Assertiveness enables us to express a wide range of feelings and thoughts

There are, as I see it, four choices you can make about which style of communication you can employ:

1. Direct Aggression

Bossy, arrogant, bulldozing, intolerant, opinionated, and overbearing

2. Indirect Aggression

Sarcastic, deceiving, ambiguous, insinuating, manipulative, and guilt-inducing

3. Submissive

Wailing, moaning, helpless, passive, indecisive, and apologetic

4. Assertive

Direct, honest, accepting, responsible, and spontaneous

There are six main characteristics of assertiveness skills in communication:

1. Eye Contact

Demonstrates interest and shows sincerity.

2. Body Posture

Congruent body language will improve the significance of the message.

3. Gestures

Appropriate gestures help to add emphasis.

A level, modulated tone is more convincing and acceptable, and is not intimidating.

Use your judgement to maximise receptivity and impact.

How, where and when you choose to comment is probably more important than WHAT you say.

The Importance of "I" Statements

Part of being assertive involves the ability to appropriately express your needs and feelings.

You can accomplish this by using "I" statements .

These indicate ownership, do not attribute blame, focuses on behaviour, identifies the effect of behaviour, is direct and honest, and contributes to the growth of your relationship with each other.

Strong "I" Statements Have Three Specific Elements:

Tangible effect (consequence to you)

For Example :

"I feel frustrated when you are late for meetings. I don't like having to repeat information."

Six Techniques For Assertiveness in Communication

There are six assertiveness techniques - let's look at each of them in turn.

Behaviour Rehearsal

This is literally practising how you want to look and sound. It is a very useful technique when you first want to use "I" statements, as it helps dissipate any emotion associated with an experience and allows you to accurately identify the behaviour you wish to confront.

Repeated Assertion (the 'broken record')

This assertiveness technique allows you to feel comfortable by ignoring manipulative verbal side traps, argumentative baiting and irrelevant logic while sticking to your point. To most effectively use this assertiveness technique use calm repetition, and say what you want and stay focused on the issue. You'll find that there is no need to rehearse this technique, and no need to 'hype yourself up' to deal with others.

"I would like to show you some of our products" "No thank you, I'm not interested" "I really have a great range to offer you" "That may be true, but I'm not interested at the moment" "Is there someone else here who would be interested?" "I don't want any of these products" "Ok, would you take this brochure and think about it?" "Yes, I will take a brochure" "Thank you" "You're welcome"

This technique allows you to receive criticism comfortably, without getting anxious or defensive, and without rewarding manipulative criticism.To do this you need to acknowledge the criticism, agree that there may be some truth to what they say, but remain the judge of your choice of action.

An example of this could be:

"I agree that there are probably times when I don't give you answers to your questions.

Negative Enquiry

This assertiveness technique seeks out criticism about yourself in close relationships by prompting the expression of honest, negative feelings to improve communication. To use it effectively you need to listen for critical comments, clarify your understanding of those criticisms, use the information if it will be helpful or ignore the information if it is manipulative.

An example of this assertiveness technique would be:

"So you think/believe that I am not interested?"

Negative Assertion

This assertiveness technique lets you look more comfortably at negatives in your own behaviour or personality without feeling defensive or anxious, this also reduces your critics' hostility. You should accept your errors or faults, but not apologise. Instead, tentatively and sympathetically agree with hostile criticism of your negative qualities.

An example would be:

"Yes, you're right. I don't always listen closely to what you have to say."

Workable Compromise

When you feel that your self-respect is not in question, consider a workable compromise with the other person. You can always bargain for your material goals unless the compromise affects your personal feelings of self-respect. However, if the end goal involves a matter of your self-worth and self-respect, THERE CAN BE NO COMPROMISE.

"I understand that you have a need to talk and I need to finish what I'm doing. So what about meeting in half an hour?"

Assertive behaviour is a useful communication tool. Its application is contextual and it's not appropriate to be assertive in all situations. Remember, your sudden use of assertiveness may be perceived as an act of aggression by others.There's also no guarantee of success, even when you use assertive communication styles appropriately.

"Nothing on earth can stop the individual with the right mental attitude from achieving their goal; nothing on earth can help the individual with the wrong mental attitude" - W.W. Ziege

When you match consumer psychology with effective communication styles you get a powerful combination.

Source: Article contributed by Lee Hopkins

What is an example of assertive communication?

Here are a few examples of assertive communication:

"I completely understand what you’re saying but I have to disagree”

“I feel frustrated when you are late for meetings. I don't like having to repeat information."

“Could you explain the reasoning behind your decision, so I can try to understand what you’re doing”

“I want you to help me with this report”

“Can you suggest a time we can talk about the missed deadline. I’m concerned”

How To Be Assertive

Here are some useful guidelines to ensure your successful use of an assertive communication style:

Ask permission to have the conversation.

Do you have some time so I can talk to you about something that's been bothering me?

Reinforce relationship: Optional depending upon previous rapport.

I want us to have a good working relationship so that's why I wanted to discuss with you any potential conflict we might have and sort it out.

1) I Feel ____________________________________

(feeling word)

I feel upset when you ___________________________

2) Description of unwanted behavior

Interrupts me when I'm talking.

3) Description of wanted behavior

I rather we not interrupt each other so we both can best listen to what the other is saying.

4) Potential consequence (optional for when others aren't immediately cooperative)

If you can't refrain from interjecting, I won't talk to you at this time because there is just no point.

4 Types of Communication

Respects others rights and sticks up for self.

confident / leads by example / earns others respect / straight forward / honest / values self and others / problem solver / solution focused / looks for win-win outcomes / merit based / collaborative / open to others perspective / takes responsibility for own behavior / can ask for help / can respectfully disagree / stable but developing identity / able to dialogue / secure / shares / takes reasonable risks

Respects others and doesn't stick up for self

meek / weak / sad / dependent / victim / low self-esteem / seeks others to protect them or solve their problems / selfless / followers / adjusts themselves to meet others expectations / martyrs / internalizes negative statements about them / helpless / fearful / givers / indecisive / doesn't take responsibility / not a risk taker / feels inferior / blames self for everything

Violates other's rights and sticks up for self

boasts / arguers / tries to win at all costs / demeaning / abusive / respects power / coercion / punishment / blames / threatens / looking out for #1 / name calling / looks to attack another's character / listens only for information to support their claim and to discount others claim / values self over others / adversarial / exaggerates / uses "survival of fittest" to justify their transgressions / anger / offensive / demanding / blaming / authoritarian / takers / risk takers / feels superior / challenges all possible threats

Passive Aggressive

Violates others and doesn't stick up for self.

manipulators / cheaters / gossips / sabotage / cheaters / vandalism / backstabbers / sarcasm / easily perceived slights / instigators / resentful / paranoia / puppet masters / plausible / deniability / two faced / develops alliances against others / feels superior but that they don't get their due / strategic / avoidant of direct conflict / complainers / bitter / miserable / doesn't disclose true feelings

Assertive Communication

Tip: before responding, consider what your wants and needs might be in each situation. grab a piece of blank paper and write down what your assertive response would be to each of the situations below..

Your Partner: "I know you have plans for the weekend, but I really need you to watch the kids. I have a friend coming to town, and we made plans."

Assertive response:.

__________________________________________

Situation: You've just received your food at a restaurant, and it was prepared incorrectly. Your sandwich seems to have extra mayo, instead of no mayo.

Assertive statement:, _________________________.

Your Friend: "Hey, can I borrow some money? I want to buy these shoes, but I left my wallet at home. I'll pay you back soon, I swear. It won't be like last time."

_________________________________.

Situation: Your neighbor is adding an expansion to their house, and the crew starts working, very loudly at 5 A.M. It has woken you up every day for a week.

____________________________, source: therapistaid.com, why is assertive communication an effective strategy.

Not only does assertive communication help us express our views and achieve goals but do so without hurting or alienating others. It’s the key to developing mutual respect for each other.

What is the difference between assertive and aggressive communication?

Assertive communication is conveying your message in a direct but accepting and respectful way. Aggressive communication, on the other hand, is speaking in a disrespectful, arrogant, and bossy way.

How to develop assertive communication skills?

Practice, practice, practice! You need to work on your eye contact and body language, practice controlling your voice, and communicating in a direct but non-aggressive manner. You can also take an assertiveness course and further develop your skills.

What are the 3 C's of assertive communication?

Confidence : you are composed and believe in yourself and what you’re saying

Clarity : your message is clear and easy to understand

Control : You are in control of the situation and are monitoring what’s happening

Source: Impact Factory

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Definition of frank adjective from the Oxford Advanced Learner's Dictionary

• a full and frank discussion
• a frank admission of guilt
• He was very frank about his relationship with the actress.
• To be frank with you , I think your son has little chance of passing the exam.
• Thank you for being so honest with me.
• To be frank with you, I think your son has little chance of passing the exam.
• You’ll have to get used to his direct manner.
• He was quite open about his reasons for leaving.
• She was outspoken in her criticism of the plan.
• I don’t think you’re being straight with me.
• She has a reputation for blunt speaking.
• a(n) honest/​frank admission of guilt.
• I’m a very open person.
• honest/​frank/​direct/​open/​outspoken/​straight about something
• honest/​frank/​direct/​open/​straight/​blunt with somebody
• a(n) honest/​direct/​straight/​blunt answer
• a frank/​direct/​blunt manner
• Macmillan was quite frank about his concerns.
• She surveyed Sophie from top to toe in a disarmingly frank way.
• She was brutally frank in her assessment of our chances.
• To be frank, I don't care who wins.
• full and frank
• to be frank (with you)…

Questions about grammar and vocabulary?

Find the answers with Practical English Usage online, your indispensable guide to problems in English.

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Manipulation in Speech: Creating Trust without Lies

Hrideep barot.

• Speech Writing

Envision a world where speeches authentically connect, grounded in trust, steering clear of manipulation in speech. In our exploration, let’s uncover the art of persuasion with genuine, honest words that resonate with integrity. Imagine conversations that inspire, uplift, and connect, fostering a community where authenticity triumphs over manipulative tactics. Together, let’s embrace the power of transparent communication , shaping a narrative that builds bridges and cultivates understanding.

• What Is Manipulation In A Speech? 

What Do You Understand By Trust In Communication? 

15 tips for trustworthy speech without lies., what is manipulation in a speech.

Manipulation in a speech is like using tricky tactics to control or influence what people think, feel, or do . It’s not about being straightforward or honest; instead, it involves using sneaky methods to deceive or exploit emotions for the speaker’s benefit.

Think of it as a speaker trying to play with your feelings or twist the truth to make you see things their way. This could involve making you scared, guilty, or sympathetic to get a specific response. They might throw around emotionally charged words or leave out important details to shape how you see a situation. Sometimes, they even use flattery or charm to win you over, regardless of whether what they’re saying is true. It’s like presenting a skewed version of the facts, selectively showing only what supports the speaker’s agenda and leaving out anything that might give you a more balanced view. Sometimes, they might even try to make you doubt your thoughts or beliefs, creating confusion to serve their purposes. 

Remember, there’s a big difference between trying to persuade someone with honest arguments and using manipulation to deceive or control . Manipulative speeches can break trust, harm the speaker’s credibility, and have negative effects on both the speaker and the people listening. Good communication should be open, honest, and respectful, not about playing tricks or being sneaky.

Some common manipulative techniques in speech include:

Emotional manipulation:.

Exploiting the emotions of the audience to sway their opinions or actions. This may involve using fear, guilt, or sympathy to elicit a specific response.

Example: A political advertisement uses images of distressed families and ominous music to convey a sense of fear and urgency, urging viewers to support a particular candidate based on an emotional response rather than a rational assessment of policies.

Misleading Information:

Providing false or misleading information to create a distorted view of a situation or issue, often with the intent to deceive the audience.

Example: A company releases a press statement claiming their product is entirely eco-friendly, while conveniently omitting information about the harmful manufacturing processes and environmental impact, leading consumers to believe the product is more environmentally friendly than it truly is.

Loaded Language:

Using emotionally charged words or phrases to create a biased or one-sided perspective, framing the narrative in a way that influences the audience’s perception.

Example: A news article describes a political event using phrases like “radical extremists” and “dangerous ideologies” to influence readers into forming a negative opinion about a particular group without presenting a balanced view of their perspectives.

Selective Presentation:

Cherry-picking information and presenting only the aspects that support the speaker’s agenda, while omitting crucial details that might present a more balanced view.

Example: A documentary on a controversial topic only showcases interviews and data that support a particular viewpoint while ignoring opposing arguments or evidence, creating a skewed perspective and manipulating the audience’s understanding of the issue.

Flattery and Charm:

Employing flattery or charm to manipulate the emotions of the audience and create a favorable impression, regardless of the substance of the message.

Example: A salesperson compliments a potential customer excessively, praising their intelligence and taste, aiming to create a positive emotional connection that may influence the customer to make a purchase without thoroughly evaluating the product.

Gaslighting:

Attempting to make the audience doubt their perceptions or beliefs, often by denying or downplaying facts, to create confusion and undermine critical thinking.

Example: A politician denies making a controversial statement despite clear video evidence, attempting to make the public question their memory or the authenticity of the footage, thereby sowing doubt and confusion.

Appeal to Authority:

Invoking the authority of a respected figure or institution to lend credibility to the speaker’s claims, even if the authority is unrelated to the subject at hand.

Example: A commercial for a beauty product features a famous celebrity endorsing the product, implying that using it will make consumers as attractive as the celebrity, despite the celebrity having no expertise in skincare.

Fear Mongering:

Deliberately exaggerating or fabricating threats or dangers to instill fear in the audience and manipulate their reactions.

Example: A news segment exaggerates the potential risks of a new technological development, painting a doomsday scenario to incite fear and panic among viewers, even if the actual risks are minimal or speculative.

It’s important to distinguish between ethical persuasion, which relies on transparent and honest communication, and manipulation, which involves deceit and exploitation. Manipulation in speeches can erode trust, damage credibility, and have negative consequences for both the speaker and the audience. Effective communication should prioritize openness, honesty, and respect for the autonomy of the audience.

Trust in communication is like the glue that holds relationships together. It’s all about believing in the person or entity delivering a message – that they’re being honest, reliable, and genuinely have our best interests at heart. Think of it as the confidence we have in someone’s words and actions.

So, what makes trust in communication tick?

1. honesty and transparency:.

It’s like when someone is straightforward and open. The more honest and transparent the communication, the stronger the trust. Transparency goes hand in hand, involving the openness to share information, even if it includes admitting mistakes or challenges . When people feel they are being told the truth and nothing is being hidden from them, it creates a sense of trust.

2. Credibility and Expertise:

Trust grows when the person talking knows their stuff. If they consistently show they’re knowledgeable and competent, it adds weight to their words. This could involve sharing relevant qualifications, and experiences, or successfully solving problems related to the subject.

3. Reliability and Consistency:

Ever had someone always keep their promises? That builds trust. Consistently delivering on commitments creates a sense of dependability. For instance, if a company consistently delivers products on time or a person consistently meets their commitments, it builds trust in their reliability.

4. Empathy and Understanding:

It’s about feeling heard and understood. When someone communicates with empathy and considers your feelings, it creates a connection and builds trust. This might involve active listening, acknowledging concerns, and showing that the communicator genuinely cares about the well-being of others.

5. Integrity and Ethical Behavior:

Trustworthy folks act with integrity and follow ethical standards. It’s like sticking to a moral compass, and that goes a long way in building trust. Trust is built when people see that a communicator consistently acts with integrity, aligning their actions with ethical principles.

6. Clear Communication:

Ever been confused by a message? Clear communication avoids that. When messages are crystal clear, it reduces the chances of misunderstandings and builds trust. Clarity reduces the chances of misinterpretation and confusion.

7. Responsive Communication:

Timely responses matter. Acknowledging messages, addressing concerns, and keeping people in the loop – all contribute to building and maintaining trust. Timely responses contribute to a positive perception of reliability. 

8. Positive Track Record:

Past experiences matter. When someone consistently delivers positive outcomes, it adds to their trustworthiness.

Trust in communication is a two-way street. As communicators show they can be trusted, it paves the way for more open and meaningful interactions. Whether in personal relationships, at work, or in the broader world, trust is the bedrock of effective communication.

Here are 15 tips for delivering trustworthy speech without resorting to lies:

1. Be Honest and Direct:

Honesty is the cornerstone of trust. Speak plainly and directly, avoiding unnecessary embellishments . People appreciate straightforward communication.

2. Acknowledge Limitations:

If you’re uncertain about certain details, it’s okay to admit it. Acknowledge the boundaries of your knowledge and express a willingness to seek additional information if needed.

3. Provide Evidence and Examples:

Back up your statements with evidence or real-world examples. Whether it’s data, anecdotes, or case studies, providing tangible support strengthens your credibility.

4. Avoid Overpromising:

Resist the temptation to overpromise to please others. Instead, set realistic expectations and deliver on what you commit to. Consistency builds trust more effectively than unfulfilled promises.

5. Be Transparent About Intentions:

Communicate your intentions behind your words or actions. When people understand your motives, they are more likely to trust your decision-making.

6. Admit Mistakes and Learn From Them:

Everyone makes mistakes. When you do, own up to them. Admitting faults, taking responsibility, and demonstrating a commitment to learning from errors fosters trust and respect.

7. Use Clear and Unambiguous Language:

Ambiguity can lead to misunderstandings. Choose your words carefully to ensure clarity . If a message is clear, it leaves less room for misinterpretation.

8. Respect Confidentiality:

Communicate when information is confidential. Respecting the privacy of others builds trust, as people feel secure in sharing sensitive information with you.

9. Verify Information Before Sharing:

Fact-check information before sharing it. In the age of information, spreading inaccuracies can harm your credibility. Accuracy contributes to a trustworthy image.

10. Be Consistent in Behavior:

Consistency is key. Align your actions with your words consistently. Trust is easily eroded when there’s a mismatch between what is said and what is done.

11. Encourage Open Dialogue:

Create an environment where open dialogue is valued . When people feel free to express their thoughts and concerns, it fosters trust by demonstrating a commitment to open communication.

12. Express Empathy and Understanding:

Show empathy by understanding and acknowledging the feelings of others. Genuine concern for others builds a connection and reinforces your sincerity.

13. Avoid Gossip and Rumors:

Refrain from engaging in gossip or spreading rumors. Such behavior undermines trust and can harm relationships. Focus on constructive communication instead.

14. Seek Feedback and Act On It:

Actively seek feedback from others and demonstrate a willingness to act on constructive criticism. This shows humility, a commitment to improvement, and transparency in your interactions.

15. Build Relationships Over Time:

Trust is not built overnight. Invest time in building relationships based on mutual respect, consistent communication, and shared experiences. Building trust is a gradual, ongoing process.

Check this out for more information:

By incorporating these tips into your communication style, you can establish yourself as a trustworthy communicator who values honesty, integrity, and transparency.

Conclusion 

In a world buzzing with words, our exploration into the realms of manipulation and trust in speech has been like uncovering the secrets of a well-spun yarn. As we meandered through the art of persuasion and the delicate dance with honesty, one truth became crystal clear – authenticity triumphs over trickery.

The tips we’ve gathered along the way serve as gentle reminders that our words hold immense power. From the honesty that forms the bedrock of trust to the encouragement of open dialogue, each tip is a compass guiding us toward speeches that resonate with sincerity.

As we strive to strike that elusive balance between persuasion and transparency, let us remember that true connection stems from being genuine. Your audience, much like friends in conversation, seeks not a masterful puppeteer but an authentic storyteller.

So, the next time you step onto the stage or engage in a heartfelt conversation, let your words be a reflection of your respect for the minds and hearts listening. In this symphony of communication, let authenticity be the melody that lingers, weaving connections built on trust and understanding. After all, in a world inundated with noise, it’s the genuine voices that echo the loudest. Explore this resource for a deeper dive!

Enroll in our transformative 1:1 Coaching Program

Schedule a call with our expert communication coach to know if this program would be the right fit for you

Less is More! Tips to Avoid Overwhelming Your Audience 

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19.7 Spotlight on … Delivery/Public Speaking

Learning outcomes.

By the end of this section, you will be able to:

• Implement various technologies effectively to address an audience, matching the capacities of each to the rhetorical situation.
• Apply conventions of speech delivery, such as voice control, gestures, and posture.
• Identify and show awareness of cultural considerations.

Think of a speech you have seen or heard, either in person, on television, or online. Was the speech delivered well, or was it poorly executed? What aspects of the performance make you say that? Both good and poor delivery of a speech can affect the audience’s opinion of the speaker and the topic. Poor delivery may be so distracting that even the message of a well-organized script with strong information is lost to the audience.

Speaking Genres: Spoken Word, Pulpit, YouTube, Podcast, Social Media

The world today offers many new (and old) delivery methods for script writing. While the traditional presidential address or commencement speech on a stage in front of a crowd of people is unlikely to disappear, newer script delivery methods are now available, including many that involve technology. From YouTube , which allows anyone to upload videos, to podcasts, which provide a platform for anyone, celebrities and noncelebrities alike, to produce a radio-like program, it seems that people are finding new ways to use technology to enhance communication. Free resources such as YouTube Studio and the extension TubeBuddy can be a good starting place to learn to create these types of media.

Voice Control

Whether the method is old or new, delivering communication in the speaking genre relies not only on words but also on the way those words are delivered. Remember that voice and tone are important in establishing a bond with your audience, helping them feel connected to your message, creating engagement, and facilitating comprehension. Vocal delivery includes these aspects of speech:

• Rate of speech refers to how fast or slow you speak. You must speak slowly enough to be understood but not so slowly that you sound unnatural and bore your audience. In addition, you can vary your rate, speeding up or slowing down to increase tension, emphasize a point, or create a dramatic effect.
• Volume refers to how loudly or softly you speak. As with rate, you do not want to be too loud or too soft. Too soft, and your speech will be difficult or impossible to hear, even with amplification; too loud, and it will be distracting or even painful for the audience. Ideally, you should project your voice, speaking from the diaphragm, according to the size and location of the audience and the acoustics of the room. You can also use volume for effect; you might use a softer voice to describe a tender moment between mother and child or a louder voice to emphatically discuss an injustice.
• Pitch refers to how high or low a speaker’s voice is to listeners. A person’s vocal pitch is unique to that person, and unlike the control a speaker has over rate and volume, some physical limitations exist on the extent to which individuals can vary pitch. Although men generally have lower-pitched voices than women, speakers can vary their pitch for emphasis. For example, you probably raise your pitch naturally at the end of a question. Changing pitch can also communicate enthusiasm or indicate transition or closure.
• Articulation refers to how clearly a person produces sounds. Clarity of voice is important in speech; it determines how well your audience understands what you are saying. Poor articulation can hamper the effect of your script and even cause your audience to feel disconnected from both you and your message. In general, articulation during a presentation before an audience tends to be more pronounced and dramatic than everyday communication with individuals or small groups. When presenting a script, avoid slurring and mumbling. While these may be acceptable in informal communication, in presented speech they can obscure your message.
• Fluency refers to the flow of speech. Speaking with fluency is similar to reading with fluency. It’s not about how fast you can speak, but how fluid and meaningful your speech is. While inserting pauses for dramatic effect is perfectly acceptable, these are noticeably different from awkward pauses that result from forgetting a point, losing your place, or becoming distracted. Practicing your speech can greatly reduce fluency issues. A word on verbal fillers , those pesky words or sounds used to fill a gap or fluency glitch: utterances such as um , ah , and like detract from the fluency of your speech, distract the audience from your point, and can even reduce your credibility. Again, practice can help reduce their occurrence, and self-awareness can help you speak with more fluency.

Gestures and Expressions

Beyond vocal delivery, consider also physical delivery variables such as gestures and facial expressions . While not all speech affords audiences the ability to see the speaker, in-person, online, and other forms of speech do. Gestures and facial expressions can both add to and detract from effective script delivery, as they can help demonstrate emotion and enthusiasm for the topic. Both have the ability to emphasize points, enhance tone, and engage audiences.

Eye contact is another form of nonverbal, physical communication that builds community, communicates comfort, and establishes credibility. Eye contact also can help hold an audience’s attention during a speech. It is advisable to begin your speech by establishing eye contact with the audience. One idea is to memorize your opening and closing statements to allow you to maintain consistent eye contact during these important sections of the script and strengthen your connection with the audience.

Although natural engagement through gestures, facial expressions, and eye contact can help an audience relate to a presenter and even help establish community and trust, these actions also can distract audiences from the content of the script if not used purposefully. In general, as with most delivery elements, variation and a happy medium between “too much” and “too little” are key to an effective presentation. Some presenters naturally have more expressive faces, but all people can learn to control and use facial expressions and gestures consciously to become more effective speakers. Practicing your speech in front of a mirror will allow you to monitor, plan, and practice these aspects of physical delivery.

Posture and Movement

Other physical delivery considerations include posture and movement. Posture is the position of the body. If you have ever been pestered to “stand up straight,” you were being instructed on your posture. The most important consideration for posture during a speech is that you look relaxed and natural. You don’t want to be slumped over and leaning on the podium or lectern, but you also don’t want a stiff, unnatural posture that makes you look stilted or uncomfortable. In many speeches, the speaker’s posture is upright as they stand behind a podium or at a microphone, but this is not always the case. Less formal occasions and audiences may call for movement of the whole body. If this informality fits your speech, you will need to balance movement with the other delivery variables. This kind of balance can be challenging. You won’t want to wander aimlessly around the stage or pace back and forth on the same path. Nor will you want to shuffle your feet, rock, or shift your weight back and forth. Instead, as with every other aspect of delivery, you will want your movements to be purposeful, with the intention of connecting with or influencing your audience. Time your movements to occur at key points or transitions in the script.

Cultural Considerations

Don’t forget to reflect on cultural considerations that relate to your topic and/or audience. Cultural awareness is important in any aspect of writing, but it can have an immediate impact on a speech, as the audience will react to your words, gestures, vocal techniques, and topic in real time. Elements that speakers don’t always think about—including gestures, glances, and changes in tone and inflection—can vary in effectiveness and even politeness in many cultures. Consideration for cultural cues may include the following:

• Paralanguage : voiced cultural considerations, including tone, language, and even accent.
• Kinesics : body movements and gestures that may include facial expressions. Often part of a person’s subconscious, kinesics can be interpreted in various ways by members of different cultures. Body language can include posture, facial expressions (smiling or frowning), and even displays of affection.
• Proxemics : interpersonal space that regulates intimacy. Proxemics might indicate how close to an audience a speaker is located, whether the speaker moves around, and even how the speaker greets the audience.
• Chronemics : use of time. Chronemics refers to the duration of a script.
• Appearance : clothing and physical appearance. The presentation of appearance is a subtle form of communication that can indicate the speaker’s identity and can be specific to cultures.

Stage Directions

You can think proactively about ways to enhance the delivery of your script, including vocal techniques, body awareness, and cultural considerations. Within the draft of your script, create stage directions . An integral part of performances such as plays and films, stage directions can be as simple as writing in a pause for dramatic effect or as complicated as describing where and how to walk, what facial expressions to make, or how to react to audience feedback.

Look at this example from the beginning of the student sample. Stage directions are enclosed in parentheses and bolded.

student sample text Several years ago, I sat in the waiting area of a major airport, trying to ignore the constant yapping of a small dog cuddled on the lap of a fellow passenger. An airline rep approached the woman and asked the only two questions allowed by law. (high-pitched voice with a formal tone) “Is that a service animal? (pause) What service does it provide for you?” end student sample text

student sample text (bold, defiant, self-righteous tone) “Yes. It keeps me from having panic attacks,” the woman said defiantly, and the airline employee retreated. (move two steps to the left for emphasis) end student sample text

student sample text Shortly after that, another passenger arrived at the gate. (spoken with authority) She gripped the high, stiff handle on the harness of a Labrador retriever that wore a vest emblazoned with the words “The Seeing Eye.” (speed up speech and dynamic of voice for dramatic effect) Without warning, the smaller dog launched itself from its owner’s lap, snarling and snapping at the guide dog. (move two steps back to indicate transition) end student sample text

Now it’s your turn. Using the principle illustrated above, create stage directions for your script. Then, practice using them by presenting your script to a peer reviewer, such as a friend, family member, or classmate. Also consider recording yourself practicing your script. Listen to the recording to evaluate it for delivery, fluency, and vocal fillers. Remember that writing is recursive: you can make changes based on what works and what doesn’t after you implement your stage directions. You can even ask your audience for feedback to improve your delivery.

Podcast Publication

If possible, work with your instructor and classmates to put together a single podcast or a series of podcasts according to the subject areas of the presentations. The purpose of these podcasts should be to invite and encourage other students to get involved in important causes. Work with relevant student organizations on campus to produce and publicize the podcasts for maximum impact. There are many free resources for creating podcasts, including Apple’s GarageBand and Audacity .

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Access for free at https://openstax.org/books/writing-guide/pages/1-unit-introduction

• Authors: Michelle Bachelor Robinson, Maria Jerskey, featuring Toby Fulwiler
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• Book title: Writing Guide with Handbook
• Publication date: Dec 21, 2021
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• Book URL: https://openstax.org/books/writing-guide/pages/1-unit-introduction
• Section URL: https://openstax.org/books/writing-guide/pages/19-7-spotlight-on-delivery-public-speaking

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To Be Honest, You Shouldn’t Use This Phrase

Are you looking for a synonym for “to be honest”? We can help. Below, we’ll go over what “to be honest” means and give you nine alternatives you can use instead.

Nine “To Be Honest” Alternatives

• Perhaps I’ve been unclear. Let me put it this way:
• Maybe the issue is this:
• Maybe this is a better way of looking at it:
• As a matter of fact,
• To be fair,
• I hate to have to say this,
• Let me share this with you:

“To Be Honest” Meaning

To be honest is such a common phrase, most people would have no issue with its use. It’s quite versatile and has different connotations .

To be honest can:

1. Be used for clarification

Think of to be honest as equating to “to be clear” or “to be transparent.” In other words, it’s used when you’re about to clarify something.

To be honest , the second listing we saw is the most sought-out house on the market.

2. Emphasize a candid remark

To be honest emphasizes or simply indicates that the statement that follows will be direct—no filler words or candy-coating, just straight to the point.

To be honest , I wasn’t a fan of its color. It was too bright.

3. Indicate contradictions

Statements that are contrary to consensus or go against what the other party is saying are often preceded by the phrase to be honest.

To be honest , the modern look is a trend that will fade out soon.

4. Express something negative

To be honest is also often used before a negative statement.

To be honest , I wasn’t thrilled with the houses you showed me today.

5. Signals that what you’re about to state is personal

Lastly, if what you’re about to state is personal, you can precede it with to be honest.

To be honest, when I was younger, I moved from house to house.

Keep in mind that the phrase works the same whether it’s at the beginning or end of a sentence.

When I was younger, I moved from house to house, to be honest .

What Does “TBH” Mean?

TBH is an abbreviation for the phrase to be honest . It’s typically found in informal settings, like texting and social media. It can be all lowercase, uppercase, or both.

• Tbh , I didn’t enjoy the concert.
• tbh , I didn’t enjoy the concert.
• TBH , I didn’t enjoy the concert.

The Issue With “To Be Honest”

Ordinarily, when you use to be honest, the recipient will know that it suggests any of the uses listed above.

However, efficient communication requires direct word choice. That being said, you should try avoiding this phrase. Why? Because you risk implicitly suggesting that what you have said or written up until the phrase to be honest was a lie.

At the very least, avoiding this phrase lowers your chances of encountering someone that says, “Wait, you weren’t being honest this whole time?”

To be honest, there are better synonyms for this phrase either way.

“To Be Honest” Synonyms

For clarity:.

1. Perhaps I’ve been unclear. Let me put it this way:

Perhaps I’ve been unclear. Let me put it this way: It is important for us to find a house that checks all the boxes on our “dream house” list.

2. Maybe the issue is this:

Maybe the issue is this: We’re not on the same page when it comes to the house we are envisioning.

3. Maybe this is a better way of looking at it:

Maybe this is a better way of looking at it: There’s nothing more important to me than finding the house of my dreams.

To emphasize a candid statement:

4. Frankly,

Frankly , the last house we saw had a weird smell.

To express a contradiction:

5. As a matter of fact,

As a matter of fact, my wife loved the house we just saw, but I didn’t.

6. Actually,

Actually, I’m not a fan of the modern-rustic look that has been trending lately.

7. To be fair,

To be fair , timeless architecture is called timeless for a reason.

To state something negative:

8. I hate to have to say this,

I hate to have to say this, but I don’t think the house we’re looking for is in this neighborhood.

To share something personal:

9. Let me share this with you:

Let me share this with you : finding the right house is important to me because I’ve never had a house to call my own.

To Be Honest, Direct Vocabulary Is Important

Writing well requires varied and direct vocabulary. Avoid using ambiguous phrases like to be honest and instead use any of the synonyms listed above.

Another way to ensure good writing is to use LanguageTool. This intelligent writing assistant can correct simple and complex errors in grammar, spelling, and punctuation. Did we mention it supports over 30 languages ? Start writing flawlessly today—it’s free!

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English lessons and resources

Direct speech writing rules in English

7th January 2019 by Andrew 14 Comments

In the above picture, Mark is talking to Jane. The words inside the blue box are the exact words that he speaks.

Here is how we express this:

This is direct speech. Direct speech is when we report the exact words that somebody says.

In this English lesson, you will learn:

• The rules for writing direct speech.
• The correct punctuation.
• Vocabulary to report direct speech.

Reporting clause before the direct speech

The reporting clause of direct speech is the short clause that indicates who is talking. It is the clause that is outside of the inverted commas. It is therefore not the words being spoken.

We can write the reporting clause either before or after the direct speech. If the reporting clause is before the direct speech, we write it as follows:

Grammar rules – If the reporting clause is before the direct speech:

We write a comma (,) before the direct speech. We write the exact words inside the inverted commas. The first letter is a capital letter. We write a full stop (.) before the closing inverted commas.

Reporting clause before a question or exclamation

If the reporting clause is before a question or exclamation:

We write a comma (,) before the direct speech. We write the exact words inside the inverted commas. The first letter is a capital letter. We write a question mark (?) before the closing inverted commas. or We write an exclamation mark (!) before the closing inverted commas.

Reporting clause after the direct speech

If the reporting clause is after the direct speech:

We write the exact words inside the inverted commas. The first letter is a capital letter. We write a comma (,) before the closing inverted commas. We write a full stop (.) at the end of the reporting clause.

Reporting clause after a question or exclamation

If the reporting clause is after a question or exclamation:

We write the exact words inside the inverted commas. The first letter is a capital letter. We write a question mark (?) before the closing inverted commas. or We write an exclamation mark (!) before the closing inverted commas. We write a full stop (.) at the end of the reporting clause.

Advanced rules for direct speech

Sometimes we break up the direct speech into 2 parts:

The second part of the direct speech starts with a small letter if it is the same sentence as the first part of the direct speech.

The second part of the direct speech starts with a capital letter if it is a new sentence.

Vocabulary of direct speech

We have several names for the above punctuation marks:

Inverted commas Speech marks Quotation marks Quotes

Other reporting verbs

Here are some other useful reporting verbs:

reply (replied) ask (asked) shout (shouted) agree (agreed) comment (commented) admit (admitted)

They are often used for writing direct speech in books, newspapers and reports. It is more common to use them in reporting clauses after the direct speech.

“I really don’t like her dress,” she commented . “I don’t love you anymore,” he admitted .

Other English lessons

Private online English lessons How to pass the IELTS with a band 8 Adverbs of frequency Indefinite article “a” and “an” The prepositions FOR and SINCE All of our lessons

Direct speech video lesson

Reader Interactions

Matěj Formánek says

3rd November 2019 at 5:54 pm

How about this sentence: I know the satnav is wrong!” exclaimed Zena. – Why the subject and predicate are swapped? It’s sentence from textbook so I’m confused.

17th June 2020 at 4:07 pm

Can we write multiple sentences in direct speech that comes before reporting clause? In case if this is allowed, what punctuation mark should be used after the last sentence?

Example: “I entered the class room. As I did not find anybody there, I left the class room and went to buy a coffee.” explained the student to the teacher for his delay to come to the class.

Should the punctuation mark after the word coffee be comma instead of full stop?

Joaquim Barretto says

14th September 2020 at 1:25 pm

No full stop, but comma after the word coffee.

19th January 2021 at 2:34 pm

HI IM DAISY

courtney says

27th January 2021 at 12:07 pm

Clare Hatcher says

12th March 2021 at 9:55 am

Hello I like the layout of this – very clear. Just wondering if it is correct to use a comma in between two separate sentences in direct speech. I think that now in published material you find this instead. ‘I’m tired,’ she said. ‘Let’s stay at home.’ Would appreciate your thoughts Thanks

27th March 2021 at 8:54 am

If I wrote something with a comma at the end to continue speech like this:

“Hello,” he waved to the new student, “what’s you’re name?”

Do I have to use a capital letter even if I’m continuing with a comma or is it lowercase?

Sylvia Edouard says

30th September 2023 at 9:17 am

Yes, you need to use a capital letter as speech from someone has to start with a capital letter. Always.

15th April 2022 at 12:12 pm

which of the following is correct?

1. Should the status go missing when the metadata states, “Sign & return document?”

2. Should the status go missing when the metadata states, “Sign & return document,”? (comma inside)

3. Should the status go missing when the metadata states, “Sign & return document.”? (full stop inside)

Jan Švanda says

7th September 2023 at 1:31 pm

I presume the quotation is there to specify the exact phrase (for the metadata entry). I also encounter this from time to time, when writing technical documentation. I believe in that case you should write the phrase as it is, proper grammar be damned; beautifully looking documentation is useless if it leads to incorrect results.

In this case, I don’t even think this is “direct speech”, the metadata entry isn’t walking around and saying things, the quotation mark is there to indicate precise phrase – similar to marking strings in programming languages. Because of this, I don’t think direct speech rules apply, or at least, they should take back seat. If the expected status includes full stop at the end, the sentence would be:

4. Should the status go missing when the metadata states “Sign & return document.”? (no comma before, since it is not a direct speech; full stop inside, as it is part of the quoted status)

From grammatical perspective the end looks a bit ugly, but again, if this should be technical documentation, that is less important than precision.

A person says

15th August 2022 at 7:16 pm

One extra thing: YOU MUST NOT USE THE WORD SAID IN A REPORTING CLAUSE. EVER. IT’S UNIMAGINATIVE.

no joke, it’s actually discouraged and even close to banned at my school

7th September 2023 at 1:49 pm

This is stupid. You shouldn’t use it in _every_ sentence, there should be variety, but outright banning it doesn’t make sense.

Case in point:

Book: ‘Pride and Prejudice’. Phrase to search: ‘,” said’ (comma, followed by quotation mark, followed by space, followed by word ‘said’). Number of occurrences: 211. Total number of ‘,”‘ (comma, followed by quotation mark) strings is 436, so “said” is used in almost 50% cases of direct speech of this type.

I don’t think it would be right for your school to ban Jane Austin, do you?

blaire says

30th March 2024 at 5:36 pm

How do you use names in direct speech?

Is it: “I really don’t like her dress,” Ashley said. or “I really don’t like her dress,” said Ashley.

I’ve seen both and I’m so confused which one is correct, please help me.

Andrew says

3rd April 2024 at 11:31 am

Hello and thanks for your comment and question.

After the direct speech, both are correct.

Before the direct speech, only the first one is correct:

Ashley said, “I really don’t like her dress.” (correct) Said Ashley, “I really don’t like her dress.” (wrong)

I hope that helps you. Andrew https://www.youtube.com/@CrownAcademyEnglish/

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