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Article Contents

I. introduction, ii. misunderstanding the arranged marriage, iii. understanding arranged marriage, iv. conclusion and suggestions for further research.

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Understanding Arranged Marriage: An Unbiased Analysis of a Traditional Marital Institution

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Naema N Tahir, Understanding Arranged Marriage: An Unbiased Analysis of a Traditional Marital Institution, International Journal of Law, Policy and the Family , Volume 35, Issue 1, 2021, ebab005, https://doi.org/10.1093/lawfam/ebab005

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This research asks one simple question, a question many studies on the arranged marriage omit to ask, namely “What exactly is the arranged marriage?” Author Naema Tahir, born and bred in the arranged marriage culture, but educated in the free-choice marriage culture, argues that much literature on the arranged marriage fails to offer full exploration of this traditional marital system. Instead, the arranged marriage is often analysed through the lens of the modern free choice marriage system. However, this is not a neutral lens. It considers the free choice marriage to be the ideal. As a result, the arranged marriage is perceived to be a “marriage of shortcomings”, one that fails to meet the standards of the free-choice marriage system. The author encourages readers to break this frame and offers a neutral perspective on this traditional marital system practised by billions around the world. Readers are invited to an in-depth and rigorous analysis of the foundations upon which the arranged marriage system rests. While this analysis zooms in on the case study of one particular focus group, the British Pakistani diaspora, it reveals broad insights into the arranged marriage system in general. This analysis highlights and critically examines social principles fundamental to the arranged marriage system and which are much misunderstood, such as hierarchy, patriarchy, collectivism, group loyalty and the role of parental and individual marital consent. The author argues that it is vital to first understand the traditional structures of the arranged marriage, before one can understand modernizing tendencies the arranged marriage system is currently undergoing. As such, this study hugely contributes to an unbiased understanding of the arranged marriage and changing arranged marriage patterns and is a valuable reading for those interested in marriage, marital systems and the future thereof.

There is a tendency in academic literature to view the arranged marriage from the lens of the autonomous marriage. In this literature the arranged marriage is compared in a binary to the autonomous marriage. 1 While a comparison of the arranged marriage to the autonomous marriage should be an unbiased one, the contrary is true. From this binary, both marital systems are not viewed neutrally. The autonomous marriage, thriving on individual choice, is perceived to be the ideal marital system, while the arranged marriage, supported by traditional kin authority, is not considered ideal. Resulting from this, the autonomous marriage sets the standards of an ideal marriage all marriages must aim for, including the arranged marriage. The arranged marriage is then measured by characteristics typical of the autonomous marriage system. However, the arranged marriage, even in its most modern manifestation, is not an autonomous marriage. Monitoring the arranged marriage as if it were or should be autonomous, emphasizes defects, deficits, lacunas in the arranged marriage on matters related to autonomy. Measured this way, the arranged marriage turns into something faulty. It becomes a marriage of shortcomings.

There is a necessity to study the arranged marriage on its own terms and not in a binary with the autonomous marriage. 2 This will enable judging the arranged marriage on the qualities and rewards it holds for its practitioners. At its core, this article hopes to contribute to an understanding of the arranged marriage from an unbiased lens.

This article is set up in three sections.

Section II will investigate biased understandings of the arranged marriage in more detail, by critically evaluating the binary approach in scholarly literature, illustrated further by a study of a variety of categorizations and close interpretation of definitions on the arranged marriage. Section II argues that in scholarly literature, the arranged marriage is framed as a lesser version of the ideal of autonomous conjugal union.

Section III will aim to construct a Weberian ideal type 3 of the traditional arranged marriage as a useful tool that offers neutral, unbiased insights into general features all arranged marriage systems, to varying degrees, share. The arranged marriage will be understood as a guardianship invested marital system, which is organized in a hierarchical, aristocratic manner, upheld by parental authority, group orientation and belonging. This section will provide a conceptual, theoretical analysis of the arranged marriage by drawing on literature that intersects between tradition and modernity, by leading scholars in the field. 4 Through this analysis a marital system will surface which is embedded in a cultural inherited belief that the young must be relieved of mate-selection which is perceived, not so much as a harmless liberty with mere individual impact, but as a burden that the strongest shoulders in the community must be bear, and as a choice that has broad implications for the family, extended family, and community.

Section IV will conclude as to how knowledge on the arranged marriage proper, as an aristocratic guardianship system, can be applied to the varied practices of changing patterns in arranged marriages, that include the increasing involvement of the young in mate-selection and marriage making. This section will also offer suggestions for further research.

This article will focus on analyses of conjugal practices of British immigrant Pakistanis residing in the UK, the largest Pakistani diaspora in the world that strongly upholds the arranged marriage system. While narrowing down the focus to one culture, norm and values will surface that typically underlie the arranged marriage system in general.

For this article, the following working definition of arranged marriage will be employed: marriage for which the mate selection is under the guardianship and authority of elders of the (extended) families of both marital agents and that aligns the families in a durable relational bond that allows for a legitimate space and belonging for the conjugal union. 5 The following working definition will be employed of the autonomous marriage: marriage for which the mate selection is undertaken by the marital agents, who base their selection on subjective criteria with the aim to align the agents in a durable relational conjugal union. 6

1. Biased Binary Approach

The so-called binary approach in the study or representation of the arranged marriage is much criticized in literature. 7 This binary is considered ‘liberal individualist’ 8 or Eurocentric. 9 Set in a binary with the autonomous marriage, the arranged marriage is judged by the idealized standards of the autonomous marriage. That which is idealized is individual freedom and conjugal choice. Individualism is considered progressive, there is free choice and the freeing of individual potential. 10 The autonomous marriage elevates the individual who emancipated themselves and rose from the bonds of a history in which marriage choices were not left to solely the individuals. 11 Individuals assume that this transformation from ‘arranged marriages to love matches is progressive and “healthy” … the result should be happier marriages’. 12 Central to the autonomous marriage is the nuclear family, otherwise known as the conjugal or the atomistic family. 13 The dissolving of the extended family into the nuclear family is also seen as a marker of modernity and progress. 14 Modernity signifies improvement, including modernity in the way one marries. 15 Through modernization, arranged marriage will be replaced by self-chosen unions. 16 ‘[A]lthough Western ideas about the family are often opposed or resisted at first, many of these ideas are nevertheless adopted, often in modified forms, because the Western style family is so closely associated with development.’ 17 And while this theory may have its critics, 18 this article claims that it still holds ground as regards arranged marriage.

As suggested by the convergence theory and developmental paradigm, 19 the arranged marriage is held to the expectation that it will one day adapt to the Western ways, and advance into the autonomous marriage, as a sign of emancipation, of progress.

Until then, the arranged marriage appears lacking in those very features so particular of the autonomous marriage: free choice, individual energy, emphasis on the idiocentric conjugal union and the self-centred nuclear family. Literature magnifies those very features and puts the arranged marriage to the test: can it fulfil standards of full and free autonomy? Failing to do so turns the arranged marriage into something faulty. The arranged marriage culture is seen as ‘deficient’ and ‘deformed’. 20 It becomes the ‘other’. 21 ‘[T]he “Orient” is constructed and represented in the binary opposition against the Occident as the “Other”.’ 22 This binary distinction ‘[p]roblematically contributes to the discursive portrayal of arranged marriages as certainly less than and other to mainstream marriage practices’. 23

The social principles of individual freedom and autonomy are given much weight in perspectives on the arranged marriage. However, such principles are not neutral. They are ‘European values, assumptions, cultural codes’, are ‘culturally-determined and biased’, and offer ‘limited historical perspectives’, 24 providing a lens through which the arranged marriage is evaluated. There then, is a free-choice system at one end of the spectrum, a space that cannot be shared with the arranged marriage, for that is a parent-orchestrated endeavour and parents’ ‘subtle coercion has a tainting effect on the child's quality of choice’. 25 Thus emerges at the other end of the spectrum the not so free system called the arranged marriage.

Of course, the arranged marriage is certainly not considered a forced marriage in the studied literature—though media often equate the two. 26 However, literature on the arranged marriage frequently mentions forced unions and thus frequently connects arranged marriage to forced marriage. Besides, an overlap between arranged and forced marriage is often recognized and referred to as a ‘grey area’ with the potential of ‘slippage:’ the slightest increase of duress can lead the arranged marriage to ‘slip’ into a forced one. 27 The arranged marriage is always haunted by force.

The heightened attention to freedom and the lack thereof highlights consent, arguably the most important legal principle the arranged marriage is expected to prove. This consent must be full and free. 28 A recurring question in literature is whether arranged marriage supports full and free consent. 29 If consent is present, the union is considered an arranged marriage. Without consent the union is considered coerced. Consent separates arranged marriage from forced marriage. 30 This leads to a preoccupation in legal and policy discourse with the presence of consent and the absence of coercion in the arranged marriage. 31 The presence of consent and the absence of coercion determine the value of the arranged marriage. In essence, the arranged marriage is framed in yet another binary: that between consent versus coercion, a binary that is damaging and limiting. 32 The culture of the arranged marriage in itself becomes problematic. 33 This culture needs to prove constantly that there is no coercion involved. In addition, the binary is limiting in a different sense too. Consent, full and free is a human rights standard, 34 as well as a legal tool to declare the legitimacy of marriage as an uncoerced union. 35 Yet, consent as it operates in the law is given a ‘Western individualistic bent’. 36 As such, read in ‘plain language’ ‘only “free market” or choice marriages —a hallmark of Western societies—meet the “free and full” requirement because “there is nothing to prevent men and women from taking spouses which do not meet their families” approval’. 37

Arranged marriage contexts do not evolve around the freeing of individual energy. They are characterized by collective dynamisms with a particular ‘distribution of power and wider familial and community involvement’. 38 ‘The arranged marriage process, heavily reliant on parental and sometimes extended family input, fails to measure up to the requirements of free and full consent.’ 39 The attention given to full consent ignores that something given an individualistic bent is a strange bedfellow in a system that is not primarily or fully individualistic, nor aims to be. Consent is a universal principle which certainly has its place in the arranged marriage system. Yet, the language of consent in the discourse on arranged marriage is an expression of the ‘rational individual with free will’ 40 or the ‘free self’. 41 It is the language of an atomistic individual, of ‘an autonomous agent who is able to choose and act freely’. 42 This is not the language of a member deeply engrained in community belonging, duty, and purpose.

To reiterate, individual autonomy, including the right to consent, dictates the preoccupation in literature on arranged marriage. Notions such as agency, control, freedom to date, freedom to reject a selected candidate, negotiating power, the right of marital subjects to fall in love, choice and the freedom to self-select, receive profound consideration as a consequence.

In this regard, it is illustrative that arranged marriage is often categorized in types which reflect differing amounts of yet again this very notion of individual autonomy. There are three main types of categorization: traditional, semi-arranged, or love-arranged marriage types. 43 Arranged marriages earmarked as traditional are described as offering no or very little involvement by the young, 44 as if involvement or the lack thereof is the only feature of traditional arranged marriage. Semi-arranged or hybrid types, also known as joint-venture types, point to control shared by the elders and the young alike, 45 which again only emphasize this control as a shared element, as if nothing is of any relevance other than control . Finally, the love-arranged types are embodiments of near full individual control and individual love. 46 This categorization according to a ‘sliding scale of control’ 47 does not highlight what the arranged marriage in general is or what it offers, other than control, to those practising it. Some authors even reject ‘arranged’ as a word to describe this marital system, as this word suggests a lack of control. 48 Individual control has become a dominating feature by which arranged marriage is judged. But it is again agency and control towards more autonomy that academics are consumed with and not agency or autonomy towards more traditional features arranged marriage offers. Those are simply ignored or not sought for. Those remain irrelevant and underexamined.

There could only be one reason why social principles that are founded upon the philosophy of idiocentrism and the freeing of individual energy, are tirelessly sought in a system that thrives on allocentrism, group-belonging and honour for group loyalty. Arguably, the arranged marriage culture only seems to satisfy the Eurocentric mind if it contains the same recognizable ingredients as the autonomous marriage culture. And as it does not, the arranged marriage represents a lesser marital version than the prized autonomous marriage.

2. Biased Definitions of Arranged Marriage

The above bias is reflected in descriptions and definitions of the arranged marriage. Many descriptions or definitions only really offer information as to who selects the mate, eg ‘parent orchestrated alliances’, 49 or ‘marriages that are instigated by the family’, 50 or ‘arranged by family members or respected members in the religious or ethnic community’. 51 Other definitions view the arranged marriage from a biased Eurocentric appreciation. These definitions accentuate ‘individualizing tendencies’. 52

While there is nothing wrong with individuation and autonomy, especially if so desired by those involved in arranged marriages, 53 headlining these modern notions points to a Eurocentric domination as to how the arranged marriage ought to be valued. Simultaneously, such one-sided promotion undervalues notions that cannot be grouped under ‘individualizing tendencies’ and the freeing of individual energy.

A case in point are the following definitions. Arranged marriages are featured as those ‘in which the spouses are chosen for one another by third parties to the marriage such as parents or elder relatives’, 54 or ‘the partners to which are chosen by others , usually their parents’. 55 In these definitions elders are referred to as ‘third parties’ or ‘others’. These wordings seem innocent, yet they are not. They suggest that marital subjects are the ‘first parties’. This qualification is justified if marriage is perceived to be an alliance between individuals, which is the case in the autonomous marriage system. This qualification is not correct if marriage is seen as an alliance between (extended) families, which emerges in the arranged marriage system. 56 ‘ First ’ parties suggests a hierarchy above ‘ third ’ parties, which is not an attribute of the arranged marriage system where singular members of the group, in this case the marital agents, are not valued above the elders or generally above one’s group. Similarly, mentioning that ‘parents rather than. spouses’ or ‘two families rather than individuals’ 57 contract a marriage is again pointing to a Eurocentric preference for self-selection.

Other definitions amplify attention to the individual more explicitly. For example in the definition ‘marriage arranged by the families of the individuals’, 58 the individual is seen as a separate entity, while, as we shall learn in Section III, a ‘tradition directed person … hardly thinks of himself as an individual’. 59 Indeed, ‘[t]he ideology that underpins a South Asian “arranged” marriage is that obligations to one’s immediate and more extended family have priority over personal self-interest’. 60 Ignoring this, is judging the arranged marriage from a ‘Western individualistic bent’. 61 In the same vein, many definitions contain the words ‘control’, ‘agency’ ‘choice,’ which all emphasize individual autonomy as the standard and which in effect draw attention to arranged marriage as primarily a space where marital agents negotiate increasing amounts of individual control. Other definitions refer to this ‘control’ highlighting dominion and power, suggesting that the arranged marriage is a battlefield between the elders and the young: ‘Traditional arranged marriage placed considerable power in the hands of the parents, and in particularly the father’. 62 Or, ‘In “traditional” societies, parents or the extended family dominate marriage choices’. 63 The power difference referred to suggests there are two parties with opposing aims and interests, which again is not an insightful reflection of unified interests so characteristic of group cultures. Also, culture here is presented as merely problematic: a father’s or parent’s role is that of power or domination, with negative connotations, and not much else.

A third set of definitions emphasizes the changing and flexible arranged marriage types, especially towards offering more control to the individual. It seems as if the arranged marriage is trying to prove that it is very capable of accommodating modernity and is progressive and evolving, for it has choice, agency, room for dating and romance, or the right of marital agents to say ‘no’ at any stage of the arrangement. This latter is illustrated well by Ahmad’s words referring to marriage as a dynamic process: ‘a family-facilitated introduction of a potentially suitable matched prospective candidate followed by a managed pattern of courtship prior to a potential, and agreed to marriage’. 64 Her words seem to suggest that the only acceptable arranged marriage is a progressive arranged marriage, one that resembles the autonomous marriage.

Love too, when mentioned, generally suggests lovelessness in arranged marriage as opposed to true love in autonomous marriage. 65 Arranged marriages are contrasted to marriage where there is romantic love 66 or to ‘love marriages’ based on romantic attachment between the couple’. 67 Arranged marriages when ‘a couple validates its love choice to their respective families’ 68 would be termed love-arranged or western type marriages. One commonly held view is that love will (hopefully) grow in arranged marriage as time passes. 69 Reference to ‘marriage, then love’, 70 supports this theory. Or when ‘love is not forthcoming’ the couple ‘are increasingly supported to divorce … ’. 71 In these examples it is yet again the love between the spouses, primarily romantic, sensual love, or individual affection that is stressed, which again celebrates the love so typical in the autonomous marriage system. 72

Families that are not conjugal have valued ‘not affection, but duty, obligation, honour, mutual aid, and protection … ’. 73 Such love for family or culture or any type of gift-love 74 are hardly mentioned in descriptions of arranged marriage. Even when ‘companionate’ love features, the focus remains on the spouse’s companionship for one another, and not for any(thing) other. Arguably the Eurocentric perspective holds little regard for other loves than the romantic.

3. Evaluation of Biased Science on the Arranged Marriage

The manner in which the arranged marriage is described in the literature studied is a marker of recognizing the arranged marriage as worthwhile only in so far it mirrors the characteristics of the autonomous marriage system. The words employed to describe the arranged marriage reflect autonomy-related values, but exclude community-related values that are foundational to the arranged marriage system. The arranged marriage is thus undervalued for the fundamental characteristics upon which it rests. These are ignored, not understood, arguably misunderstood, if at all known. Set against the autonomous marriage, the arranged marriage then becomes the other, deficient, deformed, a marriage of shortcomings, a marriage lacking in freedom and a marriage that is catching up and trying to prove it is not as traditional, thus not so backwards or rigid as analysts of the arranged marriage suggest.

The arranged marriage proper then remains a much understudied marital system and can only be understood by abandoning the binary approach and adopting a neutral lens. One needs ‘to turn the picture round’ as Tocqueville puts, in his eloquent study of aristocratic systems. 75 Such an aristocratic system is the arranged marriage, as we shall learn below.

As mentioned before, arranged marriages are frequently categorized in types, varying from traditional to hybrid to loosely arranged modern versions. They are frequently studied individually, through empirical research which offers a rich, complex, and varied analysis of arranged marriage practices, in diaspora communities, transnational communities as well as in communities and cultures around the world that are globalizing and are in transition. Yet, while all arranged marriages are arguably different, all do share a basic set of similarities. This section aims to bring these to the surface, drawing on sociology, so as to arrive at an ideal type of the arranged marriage.

The arranged marriage as an ideal type is a theoretical construct. 76 The ideal type emphasizes typical features of the arranged marriage, which all concrete individual arranged marriages share with one another and which are presented ‘into a unified analytical construct’. 77 As such the ideal type, ‘in its conceptual purity … cannot be found empirically anywhere in reality’. 78 ‘It is a utopia’. 79 Yet, it is a necessary tool to bring to the surface a neutral, unbiased understanding of the arranged marriage. It is also a ‘measuring rod’ 80 to measure the reality of cultural differences or change the arranged marriage system is constantly undergoing. 81

Before I proceed, it is vital to address academic opposition against the essentialization of the arranged marriage system. This essentialization is criticized as it captures the arranged marriage in a binary opposition with the autonomous marriage, idealizing the autonomous marriage and ‘othering’ the arranged marriage. This essentialization exaggerates cultural difference. 82 It portrays the arranged marriage as a rigid, static, unchanging, unnuanced system. 83 It ‘assumes the complete hold over the migrant of traditional gender and family norms by underscoring the foreignness of … arranged marriages’. 84 Authors opposing this essentialization are quick to point out that the arranged marriage is a dynamic and highly flexible system, that is able to accommodate change, modernization, individualizing tendencies, agency, romantic love and negotiating spaces, in which especially women assume more control in their endeavours to navigate around victimization by patriarchy. 85

What these scholars are in actual fact doing, unknowingly, is trying to exhibit to the Eurocentric mind evidence that the arranged marriage resembles the autonomous marriage. These authors demonstrate that the arranged marriage is very capable of upholding choice, agency, and control. These authors preoccupy themselves with bringing those qualities in the arranged marriage to the surface of their research. Sequentially, traditional features of this marital system remain understudied.

This section will not essentialize the arranged marriage system from a Eurocentric viewpoint for it desires not to repeat the othering of the arranged marriage. It will not try to prove that the arranged marriage is a flexible modern institution able to accommodate a constant flux of variety and diversity. As valuable as an investigation of that change may be, one cannot study the arranged marriage by studying how it absorbs constant flux. ‘[W]eber defines reality as an “infinite flux” which cannot be apprehended in its totality’. 86 One cannot apprehend arranged marriage on its fundamental shared characteristics if only the constant flux and change towards autonomy dominate academic engagement.

Despite being diverse and different on individual level, there are common qualities that make a marriage an arranged marriage and thus a largely unexamined ideal type of the arranged marriage will be examined in Section III of this article. The rich diversity between cultures, countries, social and economic classes, between religions and religious denominations, between those that have migrated and those that have not, as well as the constant evolution of the arranged marriage, will be left to the efforts of other scholars. 87

At its core, all arranged marriage cultures have marriage arrangers, whether these arrangers operate on their own or co-jointly with the marital agents. All marriage arrangers are senior members of the family or community, whether these arrangers operate on their own or co-jointly with the marital agents. All arranged marriage cultures value marriage to be arranged by these senior marriage arrangers, whether these arrangers operate on their own or co-jointly with the marital agents. All arranged marriage cultures consider mate selection to be not primarily the responsibility of the marital agents, whether they share this responsibility substantially or subtly with the marital agents. All arranged marriage cultures consider mate-selection physically and mentally risky, shameful and burdensome for the young to be engaged in, whether the young engage themselves in such matters or not. Family is placed central to marriage in all arranged marriage cultures, as they all consider marriage an alliance between families, whether or not the marital agents emphasize their conjugal alliance above that of the family’s. All arranged marriages guard against an incoming candidate harming family unity or family interests. Objective reasons for marrying are always valued as these support aforementioned family unity and interests, regardless of whether there is room for individual desire and preference. Finally, all arranged marriages are voluntarily accepted by marital agents on the basis of legitimate parental guidance and authority.

As such, all arranged marriage cultures are hierarchical cultures, as they accord different roles and responsibilities to the elders and to the younger ones of a group; they are group cultures that strongly incorporate its members through loyalty to the group and its interests; they are all driven by parental guardianship and authority, rooted in protection, providence and voluntary compliance. These principles of community, hierarchy, guardianship and authority are foundational to the ‘way of life’ 88 of the arranged marriage system, and will be explained below.

1. Arranged Marriage is a Community Oriented System

Literature frequently makes reference to arranged marriage cultures as collectivist, community oriented, occurring in extended families, whether there is individualism or not. 89 Marriage concerns the whole family and families are characteristically extended with extended kinship ties. 90 Marriage choices ‘have a far-reaching impact upon … relatives, affecting the futures and socio-economic positions of a much wider range of kin than just parents and children’. 91 Beyond the conjugal alliance, marriage creates alliances between a variety of family-members. 92 ‘Strategic marriage choices enable social mobility even within the extended kinship network.’ 93 Fox argues that arranged marriage preserves family unity, ‘by felicitous selection of the new spouse’ which ‘allows for the furtherance of political linkages and/or economic consolidation between families … it helps keep families intact over generations; and … it preserves family property within the larger kin unit’. 94 Objective selection criteria are emblematic of the families’ desire to preserve a stable family. ‘Parents usually assess the reputation, economic standing and personalities of the potential in-laws and the educational level and occupation of the potential groom or bride.’ 95 The strong emphasis on pragmatic, unromantic reasons that guide mate-selection are considered wise: the new conjugal addition must suit family background and thus fit harmoniously into its organization. 96 As such, extended families remain strong in the social order. Less attention is paid therefore to subjective love. One learns that spousal love may come as martial time goes by. 97 This need not be romantic, it may as well be love in a ‘more all-encompassing sense’. 98 Typical of group cultures is that ‘[i]ndividual choice … may be constricted either through requiring that a person be bound by group decisions or by demanding that individuals follow the rules accompanying their station in life’. 99 The individual is ‘sacrificed’. 100 ‘The tradition-directed person … hardly thinks of himself as an individual.’ 101 He is a ‘collective being’ not a ‘particular being’. 102 But such sacrifice ‘is more than offset by the advantages of fulfilling one’s role within the family … ’. 103

2. Arranged Marriage is a Hierarchical System

The mere fact that marriage arranging requires some element of wisdom, experience and providence, suggests hierarchy. Not everyone is suited to make marriage choices, certainly not young children and this applies to all cultures, whether autonomous or arranged. In the latter culture, arranging marriages is a responsibility bestowed upon elders, mostly parents of the marital agents. 104 Elders, given their status and rank, are considered most able, equipped, wise and well connected to undertake the grave and delicate task of mate selection. It is their proper place to screen and select mates and it is the proper place of the young to trust and respect the judgment of the elders in this regard. Pande points to a case of a young woman called Shabnam appreciating this ‘proper place’ as she would never directly go up to her parents with her marriage wishes as ‘parents deserve their izzat ’ 105 (respect NT). And while elders are given the privilege of mate selection, they do not and may not select for their own benefit, but in the best interests and the good of the group, 106 into which are incorporated the interests and the good of the marital agents. 107

Arranged marriage cultures are thus hierarchical. 108 To understand arranged marriage, is to understand hierarchy. Yet, the social principle of hierarchy does not sit well with the Western mind. 109 The western mind views society from the lens of equality and freedom and hierarchical systems lack equality and freedom. Thus arranged marriage is rejected: it is a space where parents have the ‘power’ and upper hand and ‘dominate’ in marriage choices. 110 Arranged marriage becomes nothing more than a ‘chain of command’ 111 or a ‘power hierarchy’. 112 However, as Dumont argues, this is not true hierarchy. 113 To understand hierarchy one must ‘detach … from egalitarian societies’. 114 One must view hierarchical systems on its own merits, in an organic manner. 115

‘[H]ierarchy. comes from the very functional requirements of the social bond.’ 116 Literature offers the organism, a whole or the body as a metaphor to understand hierarchical systems. 117 Hierarchy is ‘the principle by which the elements of a whole are ranked in relation to the whole’. 118 The whole body and its parts are strongly bound together by rules, 119 social control, 120 and a common value system. 121 One accepts as necessary the rank order and the fulfilment of distinct obligations—without this the whole cannot function as it is supposed to function. 122 Decisions are taken by the most able in the interests of the whole and its parts. 123 The most able are the guardians and guardianship and hierarchy are strongly intertwined. 124

Families in arranged marriage cultures are organized hierarchically, with each member aware of its own and other’s status and social ranking, 125 with each member submitting to ‘group control’ and fulfilling ‘socially imposed roles’, 126 with each member keeping in one’s proper place, honouring order, 127 and subject to a ‘hierarchized interdependence’. 128 It is deeply understood that elders arrange marriages—it is their obligation to find matches from good families, and to exercise control as to who joins the family. 129 This applies whether or not they share this task with the marital agents. ‘From the viewpoint of many parents, arranging and seeing through your children’s marriages is a primary duty, to the extent that your role as a parent is unfulfilled until this duty is accomplished.’ 130 It is ‘a matter of great family honour.’ 131 It is a necessity too as ‘marriage normally confers the statuses of wife and husband, which have been and still are regarded in many societies as necessary to being seen as an adult rather than as a child’. 132 It is only through marriage that intimate life with a stranger turned into family is legitimate. So, the young depend on the patronage of the elders. 133 Amber, a twenty-four year old student ‘sought her parent’s intervention stating it was their ‘responsibility’. 134 Elders are not to abandon this role, nor to share it with the less qualified. They too are answerable to tradition and community. 135 But they are bound also, as good guardians and figures of authority, to choose wisely and in the best interest of the child. 136 Below a further exploration will be provided on guardianship, which is ‘a standard justification for hierarchical rule’ 137 and authority which too manifests itself through hierarchical relations. 138

3. Arranged Marriage is a System of Guardianship and Parental Authority

Arranged marriage cultures thrive on authority and entrusted leadership of guardians. Though literature never does, one could call arranged marriage a rule of guardians 139 or of parental authority or an aristocratic marital system. 140 In such a system ‘rulership should be entrusted to a minority of persons who are specially qualified to govern by reason of their superior knowledge and virtue’. 141 The entrusted uphold community values, such as ‘altruism, sacrifice, love … order, security, loyalty, duty’. 142 They govern as guardians, as figures of authority. 143 Traditionally, elders are the entrusted ones. 144 And the young honour their authority. 145 The arranged marriage of Manju and Jagdesh, both from Indian middle class families, offers a good example of these notions. 146 Manju, twenty-one years old at the time and Jagdesh, twenty three, were ‘both told that they would be a good match and should marry’ and soon after their agreement, the marriage took place. 147 Or the case of Saima, a 20-year old student who says that ‘my parents will obviously find the guy for me … I trust them for it … If they come out with a decent guy and say we’d like you to marry him, I’d say yes … ’. 148 In both examples parental authority occupies a central role in match making.

A. But what exactly is authority?

‘The need for authority is basic. Children need authorities to guide and reassure them. Adults fulfil an essential part of themselves in being authorities; it is one way of expressing care for others.’ 151

‘Deeply embedded in social functions, an inalienable part of the inner order of family … ritualized at every turn, authority is so closely woven into the fabric of tradition and morality … ’. 162 As such, traditional authority is embedded in arranged marriage cultures. It ‘roots in the belief that it is ancient’. 163 In arranged marriage cultures traditionally there is trust in parental leadership. 164 One is assured that parents know what is best for their child, as they know their child, sometimes even better than the child knows itself—they see through them. 165 This inspires obedience. 166

Parental authority is a necessary component in arranged marriage systems. Marriage affects a whole family’s stability and future, so marriage choices need to be supervised. 167 The young, inexperienced and not yet wise, are traditionally not considered well trained for this task, as they may be misguided by love. 168 So, arranged marriage societies isolate the young from potential mates. 169 In addition, social control, typical for group cultures, is applied to guard behaviour. 170 Young people can easily fall prey to romantic and sexual behaviour considered disruptive to the dignity and order of the family. 171 Here then arises the necessity for elders to authorize rational mate selection. 172 Of course, this does not exclude that young people may step out of their role. If they do, shame and dishonour may be brought to the family. 173 Such youngsters are considered deviants who must be blamed, heavily punished or re-educated. 174 As such being nourished by parental authority offers security, 175 and enables moral life. 176

4. Studying Arranged Marriage Practices

The idealized typology of the arranged marriage, as a Weberian theoretical construct, demonstrates that, at the outset, arranged marriage systems are traditionally systems of community, hierarchy, guardianship, and authority. So described, the arranged marriage finds its rationality in a system that safeguards mate selection by placing this under the guardianship and authority of elders of the (extended) families of both marital agents with the aim to align both families in a durable relational bond, that strengthens its economic and societal standing, and that allows for a legitimate space and belonging for the conjugal union.

This typology is an ideal construct, in the same way the autonomous marriage is also an ideal construct. Borrowing then from William Goode who arrived at an ideal type of the conjugal family, which was also seen as an ideal , the arranged marriage as typified above is also seen as an ideal in that a ‘number of people view some of its characteristics as proper and legitimate, no matter that reality may run counter to the ideal’. 177 Elders in arranged marriage contexts all around the world consider it an ideal to take upon themselves the role of proper guardians and authorities in marriage arranging, and children, in their turn, ideally accept the parental choice, understanding that this is wisely made, that it gains its majesty in legitimate authority. All around the world, this ideal is an inspirational reference point in arranged marriage cultures.

This said, of course reality does not always represent the ideal portrayed, however inspirational. Still, the value of the ideal and the ideal type remain: this construct, even if it is an utopia, is necessary as it provides a neutral and unbiased understanding of the arranged marriage, one that is detached from a restrictive binary approach that others the arranged marriage. The ideal construct serves also as a measuring rod to study the reality of arranged marriage practices that depart from that construct. It ‘[p]rovides the basic method of comparative study’. 178

Taking a look then into these realities, one will find that, for one, elders are not always capable of arranging marriages well. ‘The notion that parents will always act in the child’s best interests is … based on an idealized interpretation of the parent/child relationship and assumes that adults will be altruistic whenever they relate to children with love, care and empathy.’ 179 Elders may not always understand what guardianship truly entails. They may confuse parental authority with the exercise of parental power, force even.

In addition, elders continuously share marriage arranging duties with their children, as the variety of semi-arranged marriage types suggest. These hybrid arranged marriage types are expressions of transformations of marital agents’ role in exercising self-determination and self-realization in marriage matters. They also reflect the changes in traditional parenthood: where once it was the elders who decided for the collective, this is now scrutinized by marital agents’ desires for freedom to (also) decide. In the words of Aguiar ‘arranged marriage has become the locus of a set of liberal and communitarian discourses that articulate competing visions of individual and collective agency’. 180 This does not always run smoothly. Elders may not always believe that transitions towards freedom and individualism are proper. Families often act as buffers against ‘too much’ individualism that is perceived as an isolating and alienating force that disrupts family cohesion and hinders traditions to be passed on from generation to generation. Many, in arranged marriage cultures, parents as well as young people, are grappling with the blended agendas of the liberal and communitarian, of the individual and the collective that are shaping arranged marriage realities. A very sensitive portrayal of an intergenerational struggle in this regard can be seen in the drama film A Fond Kiss : protagonist Casim, son of Pakistani Muslim immigrants to the UK, asks his parents to accept his love choice for Roisin, a Catholic divorcee. In their turn, his parents, emotionally destroyed and shamed by Casim’s desires, plead to their son to accept an arranged marriage to his cousin Yasmin. This Casim refuses and the family breaks up. 181

As indicated earlier, the tendency is to view such realities from a Eurocentric lens, that prizes liberalism and equality, and that advocates the individual’s rise from traditional structures as a marker of sovereignty, supported by contract, geared towards independence and freedom from authority. 182

Again, such views monopolize examination of arranged marriage, are biased, ‘culturally-determined’ and entrenched in ‘limited historical perspectives’. 183 ‘Many people in this world have registers of well-being that are not the same as degrees of freedom, measures such as duty, devotion and responsibility.’ 184 Many people do not value, experience, nor desire full independence from parental authority.

Hybrid arranged marriages are in a sense partly separated from and partly belonging to traditional as well as liberal structures. It is vital to represent and express belonging to these traditional structures in the discourse on arranged marriage. It is important to acknowledge notions of guardianship, authority, and community when one measures change and modernization in arranged marriage realities, but also when one measures distancing from that very modernization in efforts to hold on to traditions.

The current tendency, when marital agents demand a stronger role in mate selection, is to capture this in a language of freedoms, control, agency and the rising individual. This language presupposes that marital agents’ main aim is to free oneself, become independent and ultimately exit the arranged marriage system. 185 It presupposes too that marital agents are very capable of acting independently of their parents. The fact of the matter is, that many marital agents are deeply connected to a system of parental guardianship and authority, they are hierarchically interdependent with family, they cherish strong belonging to their community and understand family cohesion as a necessary component of their family’s well-being in which their well-being is integrated. Marital agents granted or demanding a role in match making, challenge in essence (part of) the authority of parents, but do not act as fully atomistic units. When parents allow their child to jointly decide with them on marriage matters, this is articulated in literature mostly as a step that invests power in the child. However, this ought to also be valued as a sharing of parental authority or guardianship with the child. Adding authority and guardianship to the conversation on the arranged marriage gives rise to a language that relates to and represents community. For instance, why do some parents share their authority, why do others not? It might be possible that some parents deem their children disciplined enough to select wisely, pointing to the principle that ‘discipline is authority in operation?’ 186 It might be that some parents believe that their children can act as their own guardians, partly or in full, given that these children are educated and skilled in ways the elders are not? Might it be that in diaspora contexts elders are searching for new meaning to traditional concepts such as authority and guardianship and need a language to cope with this hybrid dynamic rather than a language that calls upon their children to exit anything traditional? Asking and addressing such questions will contribute to a discourse on arranged marriage that respects the very foundations it is built upon. It is knowledge about these foundations that is pivotal if we wish to understand the arranged marriage proper and change in that domain.

This article argued for a full renunciation of the binary approach adopted in literature in studying arranged marriage. In the binary approach, the arranged marriage emerges as a lesser conjugal union in comparison to the ideal and prized autonomous conjugal union. Recognizing that the arranged marriage must be valued on its own merits, this article sought for an ideal typical construct of the arranged marriage, as a neutral departure point in a study of this marital system and as a tool to explore arranged marriage realities. The arranged marriage is fundamentally rooted in the sociological principles of collective belonging, parental guardianship and the protective, provident authority of elders in match making. This article calls for a fresh discourse on arranged marriage and changing arranged marriage patterns that reflect these principles in order to arrive at a much needed and understudied fuller appreciation and conversation of a marital system that engages hundreds of millions.

In order to be as impartial as humanly possible, this article does not offer personal opinions on or preferences for the arranged or the autonomous marriage. It is of fundamental importance that any scholar on the arranged marriage system (and many other subjects for that matter) is an unbiased scholar or at least strives to be. Neither advocacy of nor opposition to the arranged marriage, and neither advocacy of nor opposition to the autonomous marriage should enter a scholar’s theories and findings. A scholar’s role is not to express any preference for either system, it is not to value one system as better than the other, it is to become independent from any prejudice of one over the other

This article is based on, The Arranged Marriage – Changing Perspectives on a Marital Institution (Unpublished Dissertation Utrecht University) Utrecht, 2019.

Authors referring to this binary are eg F. Shariff, ‘Towards a Transformative Paradigm in the UK Response to Forced Marriages’ (2012) 21 (4) Social and Legal Studies 549–65; M. Aguiar, Arranging Marriage, Conjugal Agency in The South Asian Diaspora (Minneapolis: University of Minnesota Press, 2018); R. Pande, ‘Geographies of Marriage and Migration: Arranged Marriages and South Asians in Britain’ (2014) 8 (2) Geography Compass 75–86; S. Anitha and A. Gill, ‘Coercion, Consent and the Forced Marriage Debate in the UK’ (2009) 17 Feminist Legal Studies 165–84; M. Khandelwal, ‘Arranging Love: Interrogating the Vantage Point in Cross-Border Feminism’ (2009) 34 (3) Signs 583–609; F. Ahmad, ‘Graduating Towards Marriage? Attitudes Towards Marriage and Relationships among University-educated British Muslim Women’ (2012) 13 Culture and Religion 193–210.

M. Weber, Gesammelte Aufsätze zur Wissenschafslehre (Tübingen: J.C.B. Mohr, 1988) p. 191.

Notably, H. Arendt, Between Past and Future (New York: Penguin Books, 1977); M. Douglas, ‘Cultural Bias’ in M. Douglas (ed.), The Active Voice (London: Routledge and Kegan Paul, 1982), as referred to by Thompson et al., Cultural Theory (Boulder, San Francisco: Westview Press, 1990); Thompson et al. ibid; M. Douglas, Risk and Blame (London, New York: Routledge, 1992); R.A. Dahl, Democracy and its Critics (New Have: Yale University, 1989); L. Dumont, Homo Hierarchicus (Chicago: University of Chicago Press, 1980); R.A. Nisbet, The Quest for Community (California: ICS Press, 1990); R.A. Nisbet, The Sociological Tradition (London: Heinemann Educational Books Ltd, 1966); R. Sennett, Authority (New York: W.W. Norton, 1980).

For origins of the term ‘arranged marriage’ see Aguiar (n 1) 14.

‘Autonomous marriage’ is used in I.L. Reiss, Family Systems in America (New York: Holt, Rinehart and Winston, 1976) as referred to by G.R. Lee and L. Hemphill Stone, ‘Mate-Selection Systems and Criteria: Variation according to Family Structure’ (1980) 42 (2) Journal of Marriage and Family 319–26, 319.

Anitha and Gill (n 1); Shariff (n 1); Aguiar (n 1); Pande (n 1); Khandelwal (n 1).

Shariff (n 1) 556, on binary between consent and coercion.

Compare Ahmad (n 1) 194; see also Pande (n 1) 82; see also Aguiar (n 1) 14.

Nisbet 1990 (n 4) pp. 3–4; A.J. Cherlin, ‘Goode's “World Revolution and Family Patterns”: A Reconsideration at Fifty Years’ (2012) 38 (4) Population and Development Review 577–607, 580, 581; see for progress towards the atomistic family C.C. Zimmerman, Family and Civilization (Wilmington Delaware: ISI Books, 2008) pp. 124, 247–49; in general on progress see J.B. Bury, The Idea of Progress (New York: Cosimo Classics, 2008); R.A. Nisbet, History of the Idea of Progress (New York: Basic Book, Inc. Publishers, 1980); see also Arendt (n 4) 100, 101 on progress theory.

See S. Coontz, Marriage, a History, How Love Conquered Marriage (New York: Penguin Group, 2005) p. 25; See for more on this evolution J. Witte Jr., From Sacrament to Contract , Marriage, Religion, and Law in the Western Tradition (Kentucky: Westminster John Knox Press, 1997) pp. 194–215.

X. Xiaohe and M. King Whyte, ‘Love Matches and Arranged Marriages: A Chinese Replication’ (1990) 52 (3) Journal of Marriage and the Family 709–22, 709.

See for these terms W.J. Goode, World Revolution and Family Patterns (New York: The Macmillan Company, 1970) p. 1, and Zimmerman (n 10) pp. 30–36.

A. Thornton, Reading History Sideways: The Fallacy and the Enduring Impact of the Developmental Paradigm on Family Life (Chicago: University of Chicago Press, 2005), as referred to by Cherlin (n 10) 581; see also, K. Allendorf and R.K. Pandian, ‘The Decline of Arranged Marriage? Marital Change and Continuity in India’ (2016) 42 (3) Population and Development Review 435–464, 435.

Cherlin (n 10) 581.

Allendorf and Pandian (n 14) 435.

Thornton (n 14), as referred to by Cherlin (n 10) 593.

Cherlin (n 10) 594.

On the ‘convergence theory’, see Goode (n 13) and Cherlin (n 10); on ‘developmental paradigm’ see Thorntan (n 14) as referred to by Cherlin (n 10) 581; see also A. Shaw, A Pakistani Community in Britain (Oxford: Basil Blackwell, 1988) pp. 2, 3 on the expected disappearance of Pakistani migrants’ culture.

M. Enright, ‘Choice, Culture and the Politics of Belonging: The Emerging Law of Forced and Arranged Marriage’ (2009) 72 (3) The Modern Law Review 331–59, 338.

R. Pande, ‘Becoming Modern: British-Indian Discourses of Arranged Marriages’ (2016) 17 (3) Social & Cultural Geography 380–400, 384; see on consequence of ‘othering’ of migrants, Pande (n 1) 75; Shariff (n 1) 562.

E. Said, Orientalism (New York: Penguin, 1978) as referred to by S.R. Moosavinia et al, ‘Edward Said’s Orientalism and the Study of the Self and the Other in Orwell’s Burmese Days’ (2011) 2 (1) Studies in Literature and Language 103–13, 104.

Pande (n 21) 384.

Moosavinia et al, (n 22) 104; Said (n 22).

P.J. Gagoomal, ‘A “Margin of Appreciation” for “Marriages of Appreciation”: Reconciling South Asian Adult Arranged Marriages with the Matrimonial Consent Requirement in International Human Rights Law’ (2009) 97 The Georgetown Law Journal 589–620, 601; compare Shariff (n 1) 557.

E.g.: ‘I fled in just the clothes I was wearing’: How one Muslim woman escaped arranged marriage, Mirror , 17 September 2012; L. Harding, ‘Student Saved from Arranged Marriage’, The Guardian , 14 March 2000, as referred to by R. Penn, ‘Arranged Marriages in Western Europe: Media Representations and Social Reality’ (2011) 42 (5) Journal of Comparative Family Studies 637–50, 639, for more examples, see 639–41; see also Aguiar (n 1) 11, 12.

Enright (n 20) 332; Shariff (n 1) 557; Anitha and Gill (n 1) 171; G. Gangoli et al, Forced Marriage and Domestic Violence among South Asian Communities in North East England (Bristol: University of Bristol, Northern Rock Foundation, 2006), as referred to by Anitha and Gill (n 1) 167.

Universal Declaration of Human Rights (UDHR), G.A. Res. 217A, (III), U.N. Doc A/810, 10 December 1948, Article 16 (2); International Covenant on Civil and Political Rights (ICCPR), GA. Res. 2200A (XXI), 16 December 1966, Article 23 (3); International Covenant on Economic, Social and Cultural Rights (ICESCR), G.A. Res. 2200A (XXI), 16 December 1966, Article 10 (1).

Aguiar (n 1) 11–13, see also Anitha and Gill (n 1); Shariff (n 1).

Aguiar (n 1) 11, 67.

Anitha and Gill (n 1); Aguiar (n 1) 67.

Anitha and Gill (n 1); Aguiar (n 1) 13, 14; Shariff (n 1).

Enright (n 20) 338.

UDHR (n 28); ICCPR (n 28); ICESCR (n 28).

Aguiar (n 1) 13.

Gagoomal (n 25) 611.

R.W. Hodge and N. Ogawa, ‘Arranged Marriages, Assortative Mating and Achievement in Japan,’ in Nihon University Population Research Institute, Research Paper, Series No. 1986, as referred to by Gagoomal (n 25) 601.

Shariff (n 1) 562; see also Anitha and Gill.

Shariff (n 1) 557.

Aguiar (n 1) 67; see also Anitha and Gill (n 1) 171.

Anitha and Gill (n 1) 171.

Anitha and Gill (n 1) 171; see also Thompson et al, (n 4) 7 on the ‘individualistic social context’.

See for a slightly different categorization R.B. Qureshi, ‘Marriage Strategies among Muslims from South Asia’ 1991 10 (3) The American Journal of Islamic Social Sciences , as referred to by A.U. Zaidi and M. Shuraydi, ‘Perceptions of Arranged Marriages by Young Pakistani Muslim Women Living in a Western Society’ 2002 33 (4) Journal of Comparative Family Studies 495–514, 496.

Qureshi (n 43) as referred to by Zaidi and Shuraydi (n 43) 496; Gagoomal (n 25) 592; Cherlin (n 10) 589; see also for modified traditional types, Shariff (n 1) 558; H. Siddiqui, ‘Review: Winning Freedoms’ (1991) 37 Feminist Review 78, 81, as referred to by Enright (n 20) 340, ft 45; see also R. Pande, ‘I Arranged my Own Marriage': Arranged Marriages and Post-colonial Feminism’ (2015) 22 (2) Gender, Place & Culture 172–87, 175; S.P. Wakil et al, ‘Between Two Cultures: A Study in Socialization of Children of Immigrants’ (1981) 43 (4) Journal of Marriage and Family 929–40, 935; see also Ahmad (n 1).

Qureshi (n 43), as referred to by Zaidi and Shuraydi (n 43) 496; S.A. Patel, An Exploratory Study of Arranged-Love Marriage in Couples From Collective Cultures (Dissertation Northern Illinois University, Ann Arbor: ProQuest LLC) 2016, 10; J. Kapur, ‘An Arranged Love Marriage: India’s Neoliberal turn and the Bollywood Wedding Culture Industry’ (2009) 2 Communication, Culture, and Critique 221–33, as referred to by Patel 10; Cherlin (n 10) 590; Shariff (n 1) 558.

Shariff (n 1) 558; S. Seymour, Women, Family, and Child Care in India: A World in Transition (Cambridge: Cambridge University Press, 1999) p. 212, as referred to by Kandelwal (n 1) 595; K. Kezuka, ‘Late Marriage and Transition from Arranged Marriages to Love Matches: A Search-theoretic Approach’ 2018 42 (2) The Journal of Mathematical Sociology 237–56, 237; N.D. Manglos-Weber and A.A. Weinreb, ‘Own-Choice Marriage and Fertility in Turkey’ (2017) 79 (2) Journal of Marriage and Family 372–89, 373; Pande (n 21) 389.

Shariff (n 1) 558, who refers to M. Stopes-Roe and R. Cochrane, Citizens of this Country: The Asian-British (Clevedon: Multilingual Matters, 1990).

Ahmad (n 1) 195, 200; M.J. Bhatti, Questioning Empowerment: Pakistani Women, Higher Education & Marriage (Dissertation University at Buffalo, State University of New York, 2013) 153.

R. Huch, ‘Romantic Marriage’, in H. Keyserling ed., The Book of Marriage: A New Interpretation by Twenty-four Leaders of Contemporary thought (New York: Harcourt, Brace & Company, 1926) pp. 168, 177, as referred to by Gagoomal (n 25) 607/n 112.

S. Davé, ‘Matchmakers and Cultural Compatibility: Arranged Marriage, South Asians, and American television’ (2012) 10 (2) South Asian Popular Culture 167–83, 168.

F.B. Ternikar, Revisioning the Ethnic Family: An Analysis of Marriage Patterns Among Hindu, Muslim, and Christian South Asian Immigrants (Dissertation, Chicago, Illinois, August 2004) 41.

Ahmad (n 1) 206, see also 207.

See among others Ahmad (n 1) and Aguiar (n 1).

Enright (n 20) 331, italics added.

Pande (n 21) 384, italics added, referring to the Oxford English Dictionary.

K. Charsley and A. Shaw, ‘South Asian Transnational Marriages in Comparative Perspective’ (2006) 6 (4) Global Networks 331–44, 335; Zaidi and Shuraydi (n 43) 496.

Zaidi and Shuraydi (n 43) 496; see also Penn (n 26) 637.

Zaidi and Shuraydi (n 43), 496 (italics omitted).

D. Riesman et al, The Lonely Crowd: A Study of the American Changing Character (New Haven: Yale University Press, 1961) p. 17.

A. Shaw, ‘Kinship, Cultural Preference and Immigration: Consanguineous Marriage Among British Pakistanis’ (2001) 7 (2) Royal Anthropological Institute 315–34, 323.

G.W. Jones, Changing Marriage Patterns in Asia (Working Paper, Asia Research Institute, Series 131, 2010) 4.

P. Wood, ‘Marriage and Social Boundaries among British Pakistanis’ (2011) 20 (1) Diaspora 40–64, 41.

Ahmad (n 1) 200.

Charsley and Shaw (n 56) 338; Khandelwal (n 1).

Davé (n 50) 167, 168.

Charsley and Shaw (n 56) 338.

M. Aguiar, ‘Cultural Regeneration in Transnational South-Asian Popular Culture’ (2013) 84 Cultural Critique (2013) 181–214, 183.

Aguiar (n 1) 7.

A. Patel, ‘Marriage, then Love — Why Arranged Marriages Still Work Today,’ Global News , 26 July 2018.

K. Qureshi et al, ‘Marital Instability among British Pakistanis: Transnationality, Conjugalities and Islam’ (2014) 37 (2) Ethnic and Racial Studies 261–79, 276.

Pande (n 1) 75; for more on this love see K. Bejanyan et al, ‘Associations of Collectivism with Relationship Commitment, Passion, and Mate Preferences: Opposing Roles of Parental Influence and Family Allocentrism’ (2015) 10 (2) PLoS ONE 1–24, 3; Goode (n 13) 9, 12; Coontz (n 11) 149; Compare Zimmerman (n 10) 39.

R.A. Nisbet, Twilight of Authority (Indianapolis: Liberty Fund, Inc. 2000) 235.

C.S. Lewis, ‘The Four Loves’ in C.S. Lewis (ed.), Selected Books (London: Harper Collins, 1999) pp. 5, 15.

A. de Tocqueville, La Démocratie en Amérique (Paris: Gallimard, 1961, 2 vols.), English Translation by H. Reeve: Democracy in America (London: 1875) as referred to by Dumont (n 4) 17.

Compare the ideal type of the conjugal family, Goode (n 13) 7.

Weber (n 3) 191, translation by H. Ross, Law as a Social Institution (Oxford: Hart Publishing, 2001) p. 34.

L.A. Coser, Masters of Sociological Thought (New York: Harcourt Brace Jovanovich, 1977) p. 223.

Compare Goode (n 13) 7.

Khandelwal (n 1) 584, 586, 605.

Ahmad (n 1) p. 194; Pande (n 21) p. 384; see also R. Mohammad, ‘Transnational Shift: Marriage, Home and belonging for British-Pakistani Muslim Women’ (2015) 16 (6) Social & Cultural Geography 593–614, 596.

Pande (n 44) 172, 183; Pande (n 21) 384.

Khandelwal (n 1); Ahmad (n 1); Pande (n 1); Mohammad (n 83); Pande (n 44) 181.

S.J. Hekman, Weber, the Ideal Type, and Contemporary Social Theory (New York: University of Notre Dame Press, 1983) p. 20.

For existing analyses on the topic, see Goode (n 13); D. Mace and V. Mace, Marriage East and West (London: Macgibbon and Kee, 1960); for marriages and caste in India, see Dumont (n 4); for Pakistani immigrants in Oxford and arranged marriages, see Shaw (n 19); see also Pande (n 45); Ahmad (n 1); Aguiar (n 1).

Thompson et al (n 4) 1.

See e.g. Aguiar (n 1) 15, 25, 139–44; G.L. Fox, ‘Love Match and Arranged Marriage in a Modernizing Nation: Mate Selection in Ankara, Turkey’ (1975) 37 (1) Journal of Marriage and Family 180–93, 181; Lee and Stone (n 6) 320; Kezuka (n 46).

Lee and Stone (n 6) 320: see also Mate selection theories, Encyclopaedia of Sociology, The Gale Group Inc., Encyclopedia.com: https://www.encyclopedia.com/social-sciences/encyclopedias-almanacs-transcripts-and-maps/mateselection-theories (last visited 14 July 2019).

Shaw (n 60) 325.

See eg Goode (n 13) pp. 240, 241; R.O. Blood, The Family (New York: Free Press, 1972) pp. 293–96, as referred to by Fox (n 89) 187.

A. Shaw, ‘Drivers of Cousin Marriage among British Pakistanis’ (2014) 77 Human Heredity 26–36, 31.

Fox (n 89) 181.

Shaw (n 93) 31.

See also Fox (n 89) 181; Lee and Stone (n 6) 320.

Gagoomal (n 25) 611; Lewis (n 74) 5, 15 in general on gift-love.

Thompson et al. (n 4) 6, referring to the grid-group analysis.

Tocqueville vol 2 (n 76) 90–92, as referred to by Dumont (n 4) 17; Shaw (n 19) 6.

Riesman et al (n 59) 17.

Dumont (n 4) 7.

Shaw (n 19) 6, referring to immigrant Pakistanis.

Lee and Stone (n 6) 320.

Pande (n 44) 177.

Lee and Stone (n 6) 320 see also Fox (n 89) 181.

See for various examples Gagoomal (n 25) 615, 617, 618.

G.P. Monger, Marriage Customs of the World: From Henna to Honeymoon (Santa Barbara, California: ABC-CLIO, 2004) 13.

Dumont (n 4) 2, 239, 19, 20; Nisbet (n 73) 217.

Jones (n 62) 4; Wood (n 63) 40–64, 41.

P. Crone, Pre-Industrial Societies (Oxford: Oneworld Publications, 2003) p. 99; Dumont (n 3) 19.

Dumont (n 4) 19.

Ibid., 17, 2.

Compare Crone (n 111) p. 104 on an organic view of society.

Nisbet (n 73) 217.

Dumont (n 4) 66, 240, 243, 244; Crone (n 111) pp. 99, 107; Thompson et al (n 4) 59.

Dumont (n 4) 66.

Thompson et al (n 4) 6.

Ibid., (n 4) 6.

T. Parsons, ‘A Revised Analytical Approach to the Theory of Social Stratification’ in R. Bendix et al (eds.), Class, Status and Power (London: Glencoe, 1954), as referred to by Dumont (n 4) 19.

Thompson et al (n 4) 6; Dumont (n 4) 17–19; see in general on guardianship Dahl (n 4) 52–64, 73.

Parsons (n 121), as referred to by Dumont (n 4) 19, see also 239, 240.

Dahl (n 4) 52.

Monger (n 108) 13.

Crone (n 111) p. 105, who refers to pre-industrial societies and hierarchy.

Dumont (n 4) 18.

M. Shams Uddin, ‘Arranged Marriage: A Dilemma for Young British Asians’ (2006) 3 Diversity in Health and Social Care 211–19, 211; F.M. Critelli, ‘Between Law and Custom: Women, Family Law and Marriage in Pakistan’ (2012) 43 (5) Journal of Comparative Family Studies 673–93, 677; Fox (n 90) 186,181.

Shaw (n 60) 324.

Shams Uddin (n 129) 211.

G.R. Quale, ‘A history of marriage systems’ in Contributions in Family Studie s, Issue 13 (Westport, US: Greenwood press, 1988) 2.

Tocqueville II (n 76), as referred to by Dumont (n 4) 18; see also Sennett (n 4) 126.

Ahmad (n 1) 201; in a similar vein see Mohammad (n 83) 603; see also Wakil et al (n 44) 936 on this responsibility.

Tocqueville II (n 76), as referred to by Dumont (n 4) 18, 17.

A. de Tocqueville, Democracy in America II (London: Everyman’s Library, 1994) 196.

Arendt (n 4) 93.

On guardianship see Dahl (n 4) 52.

On aristocracy see Tocqueville II (n 76), see Dumont (n 4) p. 18.

See for an explanation on tradition and authority, M. Weber, The Theory of Social and Economic Organization , A.M. Henderson and T. Parsons (trans.), T. Parsons (ed.) (New York: Oxford University Press, 1947) 341, as referred to by Nisbet 1966 (n 4) 142.

Compare Pande (n 44) 177; Shams Uddin (n 129) 211; Ahmad (n 1) 201 on trust and respect for parents.

Gagoomal (n 25) 589, 590.

Ibid., 590.

Ahmad (n 1) 201.

Arendt (n 4) 92.

Sennett (n 4) 15; see also Arendt (n 4) 92.

Weber (n 144) 341, as referred to by Nisbet 1966 (n 4) 142; Zimmerman (n 10) 215.

Zimmerman (n 10) 215.

Arendt (n 4) 93, 103.

Sennett (n 4) 18; Arendt (n 4) 93.

Sennett (n 4) 15–22.

Sennett (n 4) 16.

Arendt (n 4) 111; Weber, as referred to by Sennet (n 4) 22.

Weber, without further reference, as referred to by Sennett (n 4) 22.

Derived from Sennett (n 4) 19.

Nisbet 1966 (n 4) 107, 108.

Ibid., 142.

Shams Uddin (n 129) 211: Ahmad (n 3) 201.

MTV Documentary, True Life: I'm Having an Arranged Marriage , 2007, as referred to by Gagoomal (n 25) 617; Pande (n 21) 387; Gagoomal (n 25) 615; see also Sennett (n 4) 17 on a conductor that sees through members of the orchestra.

Sennett (n 4) 17.

Lee and Stone (n 6) 320; Fox (n 89) 181.

See W.J. Goode, ‘The Theoretical Importance of Love’ (1959) 24 (1) American Sociological Review 38–47, 43–46; compare also Bejanyan et al (n 72) 3.

Goode (n 168) 43; H. Papanek, ‘Purdah in Pakistan: Seclusion and Modern Occupations for Women’ (1971) 33 (3) Journal of Marriage and Family 517–30, 520.

Goode (n 168) 43; Thompson et al (n 4) 6; Shams Uddin (n 129) 212.

See for more Bejanyan et al (n 72) 3.

Goode (n 168) 43; Papanek (n 169) 520.

F. Bari, Country briefing paper: Women in Pakistan, Asian Development Bank July 2000. http://www.adb.org/Documents/Books/Country_Briefing_Papers/Women in Pakistan , as referred to by Critelli (n 129) 677; Shaw (n 60) 330; see also Riesman et al (n 59) 24.

Thompson et al (n 4) 59; see also in general on shame, N.P. Gilani, ‘Conflict Management of Mothers and Daughters Belonging to Individualistic and Collectivistic Cultural Backgrounds: A Comparative Study’ 1999 22 Journal of Adolescence 853–65, 854, 855; Riesman et al (n 59) 24.

A. de Tocqueville, Democracy in America II , 298, 303, as referred to by Nisbet 1966 (n 4) 114.

Nisbet 1966 (n 4) 151.

Goode (n 13) 7.

Coser (n 80) 223.

C. Breen, Age Discrimination and Children’s Rights. Ensuring Equality and Acknowledging Difference (Leiden: Brill Nijhoff, 2006) as referred to by A. van Coller, ‘Child Marriage – Acceptance by Association’ (2017) 31 International Journal of Law, Policy and The Family 363–76, 369.

Aguiar (n 1) 215.

Film A Fond Kiss , Ken Loach 2004; see also the Film What Will People Say , Iram Haq 2017 on a similar intergenerational struggle between an immigrant Pakistani father and his daughter in Sweden.

Derived from Nisbet 1966 (n 4) 116.

Moosavinia et al (n 22) 104; Said (n 22).

S. Mahmood, Politics of Piety: The Islamic Revival and the Feminist Subject (Princeton, NJ: Princeton University Press, 2011), as referred to by Aguiar (n 1) 219.

For more on this exit see Anitha and Gill (n 3) 176–80; Shariff (n 3) 550, 551, 553, 561, 562.

Nisbet 1966 (n 4) 150.

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Home — Essay Samples — Sociology — Arranged Marriage — Discussion Of Whether An Arranged Marriage Is A Positive Tradition

Discussion of Whether an Arranged Marriage is a Positive Tradition

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Love Marriage & Arranged Marriage : Essay, Debate, Speech, Article

Love marriage & arranged marriage: essay, debate, speech, article.

Marriage is a lifelong commitment and the decision of marriage is among the most important ones. It is one decision that will determine whether we will be happy or not for the rest of our lives. It is a step that makes the start of a new journey which means the partners have decided to have their generation and they will continue the family just like their parents did.

Love marriage vs. Arranged marriage is always a debated topic. While there are instances of love marriages working out, there are arranged marriages that are successful too. Both have their pros and cons. And it is just the world around us which makes us support or be against love marriage. While most love marriages in India end up becoming a Love cum arranged marriage, it seems to be the best thing that can occur. It is just the kind of marriage we are surrounded by, which makes us have a particular notion about any love or arranged marriage.

Essay on Love Marriage (Speech on Love Marriage)

Firstly, a love marriage is good in the sense that two people know each other willingly. Love does not happen simply. There is friendship first. Though love, at first sight, is not always right, it also happens to turn out well in some cases. But most love affairs start with friendship. We get interested in somebody, we try to be our best and we discover our likes and dislikes very well. So all these happen in a journey. It takes time. And true love brings many good changes in us as an individual. So all these things make us matured enough to make a decision whether we want to carry on this mutual relationship forever. One thing is positive about love marriage is that at least both partners have equal consent for each other. Marriage is a big decision. There is a society surrounding us. If belonging to conservative families, it is good that since two people love each other very much, they will try to blend into each other’s family for the sake of love. And that compromise is required. Being able to convince parents for supporting a love marriage is the next step after falling in love and dating. Though there are instances of love marriages not working out, those happen when two partners stop understanding each other. In love people already share these things with each other so it is always ensured that they can handle it and that is why they have decided to marry.

Now some love marriages happen beyond the bounds of race, caste, or religion. Such marriages are not a sin as well. Just one has to be sure that any of the partners must not be harmed or suffocated from the ties and customs of the other. After all, it is the partners who have to live with each other. And children have the right to choose their partner. And if they can carry out well, nobody can pinpoint them for moving out of the house too. They should have freedom. Parents are important it’s true. But what about your own happiness? Both are important and so parents must also give their consent to their child’s choices in case the boy or girl seems to be a good person. They must not stick to too many caste and religious stereotypes. If the children are happy, they will do everything for their family and especially their parents willingly.

Essay on Arranged Marriage

Then comes arranged marriage, In India, our previous generation comprising of parents and grandparents mostly had arranged marriages. It is just because in earlier days girls were not allowed to move out and mix too much. They mostly abide by their parents in every decision and they just did not have the mentality of choosing their decisions. Seeing some old couples it feels as if they were not made for each other. Maybe a little self-discovery would have prevented them from living a dissatisfied life. Now times are changing. Studying in coeducational school, women coming to the front in every field, etc. have made them independent. They know about their choices. Parents are no doubt experienced and they will always choose the right groom for the girl. But how many people show their real faces before marriage. Since involving parents, it is more usual that the groom will only show good sides. And of course, we never know even if one of the partners is forcefully put into the marriage against their will and against their existing relationships. So if later on after marriage, they are incompatible and the opposite natures create conflicts then marriages will definitely end with divorce. Though nowadays people take time between engagement and marriage, it is less likely that the partner would dare to back off from the relation before marrying. After so much involvement, they might choose to stay in it but later on, things may not be quite desirable.

Conclusion on Love marriage vs. Arranged marriage Debate

Love or arranged, a successful relationship happens when both partners respect, love, and understand each other. Also, partners must be independent financially. That accounts for a successful relationship. It is just a destiny that accounts for what is in store for us. It is no shame in putting an end to a completely unhappy marriage and starting anew. It will save their future children from getting harassment and also they can choose to be happy.

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50+ Unforgettable Marriage Proposal Speech for Your Partner

Dylan Banks offers sharp insights on relationships, love, and human connection. A leading expert, he's passionate about helping others build meaningful connections.

In This Article

A marriage proposal is a momentous occasion that marks the beginning of a new chapter in a couple’s life. It’s a declaration of love, commitment, and the desire to spend a lifetime together. 

Crafting an unforgettable marriage proposal speech can elevate this significant moment into an everlasting memory for both you and your partner. 

Hence, we are here to help you through the nuances of creating a speech that not only captures your heart’s true sentiment but also resonates deeply with your partner, ensuring this moment is cherished forever.

So, let’s explore the art of creating and delivering a memorable proposal speech, from understanding its importance to providing practical tips and examples to inspire your own.

What makes a marriage proposal speech unforgettable?

An unforgettable marriage proposal speech strikes a delicate balance between personalization, emotion, and sincerity. It reflects the couple’s unique journey and highlights their love, shared experiences, dreams, and aspirations. 

Research indicates that sharing extraordinary experiences promotes feelings of closeness, especially between unacquainted individuals. These remarkable encounters capture attention and contribute to the development of interpersonal relationships .

It’s not just about the words you choose; it’s about conveying the depth of your feelings and the earnestness of your commitment. 

An unforgettable speech is one that is remembered not just for the words said but for the emotions it evokes and the personal touch that makes it exclusively yours.

Importance of crafting a memorable proposal speech

The importance of crafting a memorable proposal speech cannot be overstated. It’s a gesture that communicates your love and dedication in a way that is meaningful and tailored to your relationship. A well-thought-out speech can deepen your bond, creating a profound moment of connection and understanding. 

It sets the tone for your engagement and forthcoming marriage, showcasing your commitment to making every moment count. Moreover, a memorable proposal speech becomes a cherished story, one that you and your loved ones will revisit and relish for years to come.

5 elements of a memorable marriage proposal speech

Creating a memorable and romantic marriage proposal speech is an art form that requires thought, emotion, and a deep understanding of the bond you share with your partner. A truly unforgettable speech resonates with sincerity and captures the essence of your relationship.

A study explored understanding dynamics in couples. Key themes included understanding one’s partner, self-awareness, and realistic couple interactions. Self-awareness enhances communication, and religious beliefs positively impact understanding. Overall, mutual understanding is vital for healthy relationships.

Below are 5 essential elements, expanded to assist you in crafting a speech that not only asks a life-changing question but also celebrates your unique love story.

1. Personalization

A personalized speech is the cornerstone of a memorable proposal. This means weaving in details that are unique to your relationship. 

Think about how you met, the milestones you’ve shared, and those little moments that only the two of you understand. Personalization makes your speech not just a question but a tribute to your shared history.

Your proposal speech should be an emotional reflection of your feelings. This doesn’t mean you need to deliver an Oscar-worthy performance, but rather that you should allow your genuine emotions to guide your words. 

Vulnerability is powerful; letting your guard down and sharing your true feelings can transform a simple speech into an unforgettable emotional experience.

Studies show that when individuals accept and support each other’s vulnerabilities from the start, through understanding and acknowledgment, it helps mitigate the internal threats triggered by emotional baggage or negative past experiences brought into the relationship.

While expressing your emotions and sharing personal stories is important, clarity ensures your message is understood. Your partner should be left with no doubt about your intentions and feelings. 

Keep your language simple and your message focused. A clear proposal sets a strong foundation for your future together.

A memorable speech does not have to be lengthy. In fact, brevity can lend your words more power. 

Aim to convey your most important thoughts and feelings concisely. This isn’t about limiting your expression but distilling it to its essence. Every word should have a purpose and contribute to the overall impact of your proposal.

5. Sincerity

The most crucial element of your proposal speech is sincerity. This is what makes your words resonate and feel genuine. Avoid clichés or phrases that don’t feel true to you. 

Instead, speak honestly about your feelings, hopes, and dreams for the future. Your speech should reflect who you are and the depth of your commitment.

53 examples of unforgettable marriage proposal speeches

If you want your short marriage proposal speech to be memorable for your partner, ensure it encapsulates love, commitment, and the unique journey of every couple. 

Whether you’re seeking inspiration to express your deepest feelings or to create a moment that will be cherished forever, here are 53 best marriage proposal speech examples to spark your creativity and touch the heart of your beloved.

• “From our first date to this beautiful moment, every second spent with you has been unforgettable. You’ve become my best friend, my confidant, and the love of my life. Today, I want to make a promise, not just of a future together but of always striving to make our journey filled with laughter, love, and happiness. Will you marry me?”
• “Standing here with you, I realize how much you’ve changed my world. You’ve filled it with love, color, and a happiness I never knew existed. I promise to be there for you, to support and cherish you, through all the adventures life throws our way. Let’s make this beautiful journey last forever. Will you marry me?”
• “With you, I’ve found a love that feels like home. You’ve been my dream, my anchor, and my unwavering support. Together, we’ve shared dreams, faced challenges, and built a life I am so proud of. I dream of growing old with you, of sharing every sunrise and sunset, of making every moment count. Will you share this dream with me and marry me?”
• “Looking back at the day we first met, I never could have imagined how profoundly you’d change my life. With every day that passes, I find myself loving you more in ways I didn’t even know were possible. You’ve helped me grow, supported me through challenges, and celebrated every victory. I want to spend my life doing the same for you, growing together in love and happiness. Will you marry me?”
• “In you, I’ve found more than just love; I’ve found a true partner in every sense of the word. We’ve weathered storms and basked in countless sunsets, always together, always as one. I want to continue building this beautiful life with you, side by side, as partners, lovers, and best friends. Will you make me the happiest person in the world and say yes?”
• “Every moment with you is a treasure, a memory I hold close to my heart. I look forward to a future where every day is an opportunity to love you more, to learn with you, and to create a life filled with endless love and laughter. My commitment to you is unwavering through all of life’s ups and downs. Will you join me on this journey and be my forever love?”
• “Life with you is an adventure I never want to end. From the mundane to the extraordinary, every moment spent with you is one I cherish deeply. I promise to cherish every laugh, every tear, and everything in between. My love for you is as endless as the stars. Will you be mine forever?”
• “I dream of a lifetime filled with happiness with you. To wake up every morning and fall asleep every night, knowing that we have each other, is the greatest gift I can imagine. You are my joy, my peace, and my inspiration. Let’s pledge to make every day better than the last together. Will you marry me?”
• “You’ve been my rock, my safe haven, and my greatest supporter. You’ve shown me what it means to love unconditionally and to always have someone’s back. I promise to be that person for you, too—to support you, to uplift you, and to be by your side, no matter what. Together, we can face anything. Will you be my partner in life?”
• “In you, I see my present, my future, and everything in between. You’ve made me believe in soulmates, in the kind of love that comes once in a lifetime and changes everything. I promise to keep our love alive, to nurture it, and to always keep us moving forward, hand in hand. Will you spend your life with me as my spouse, my partner, and my best friend?”
• “Together, we’ve woven jumbles of memories, each thread colored with love, laughter, and the occasional challenge we’ve overcome side by side. I want to continue weaving this masterpiece with you, adding countless more memories, joys, and dreams realized. Will you be my partner in this beautiful life’s journey and say yes to creating more unforgettable memories together?”
• “Our love has been the foundation of my happiness, a constant source of strength and joy. With you, I’ve found my true north, my guiding light through all of life’s moments. I promise to be that light for you, too, to hold you, support you, and love you unconditionally through all our days. Will you marry me and be the cornerstone of our shared future?”
• “Every day with you is a journey of discovery, revealing depths of love and companionship I never knew existed. I want to spend a lifetime discovering the world with you, learning new things about each other, and growing together in love. Will you embark on this endless journey of discovery with me?”
• “Life with you is an adventure I never want to end. Your love has given me a freedom I never imagined, a boundless space to grow, dream, and be truly myself. I promise to give you the same freedom, love, and adventure for the rest of our days. Will you marry me and share this boundless journey?”
• “Our love is like a symphony, with each note representing a moment, a memory, a dream shared. I want to continue composing this beautiful music with you, with every day bringing a new note, a new harmony. Will you be my forever duet, creating a lifetime of beautiful symphonies?”
• “In the varieties of my life, you are the most vibrant thread, weaving through every moment with love, grace, and beauty. I promise to be there for you, to weave our dreams, hopes, and futures together into a life that’s beautiful and uniquely ours. Will you accept this ring as a symbol of my eternal love and commitment?”
• “You are the light of my life, illuminating my darkest days and guiding me with your love and wisdom. I cannot imagine a future without you by my side, sharing every joy, triumph, and challenge. Will you marry me and continue to be the guiding light on our shared path?”
• “With you, I’ve found a shared soul, a partner who understands me without a word, who loves me unconditionally, and who dreams with me of our future together. I promise to honor, cherish, and dream with you, always. Will you share your life with me as my soulmate, my partner, my everything?”
• “I promise to make our life together a lifetime of love, to cherish each moment, to weather every storm, and to celebrate every victory by your side. You are my heart, my soul, my forever. Will you marry me and let our love story continue for a lifetime and beyond?”
• “Our bond is unbreakable, forged through love, trust, and an unwavering commitment to each other. I want to strengthen that bond with every day, to build a future that’s bright with love and shared dreams. Will you be my partner in life, in love, and in all that we can dream together?”
• “Together, we’ve created a harmony that resonates with love, understanding and shared dreams. I want to continue creating beautiful melodies with you, each note a testament to our love and each day a step closer to our dreams. Will you join me in this lifelong symphony as my love, my partner, my everything?”
• “Our love is like a canvas, painted with the most vibrant colors of joy, laughter, and shared moments. With every stroke, we’ve created something truly beautiful. I want to spend my life painting this canvas with you, adding endless colors and memories. Will you be my partner in creating this masterpiece of love?”
• “Life with you has been an unfolding journey filled with surprises, love, and unparalleled happiness. I want to keep traveling this path with you, discovering new horizons, and cherishing every step we take together. Will you walk this journey with me, hand in hand, as my love and my partner forever?”
• “You have been my beacon of love, guiding me through life’s ups and downs with your unwavering support and unconditional love. I promise to be your beacon, lighting our way with love, hope, and joy. Will you marry me and share this luminous journey?”
• “With you, I’ve shared dreams that I never thought possible. You’ve turned them into realities, making our life together a dream come true. I want to keep dreaming with you, making every dream a reality, side by side. Will you continue this beautiful dream with me as my partner, my love?”
• “Our love has weathered every season, growing stronger and more beautiful with each passing day. I want to spend endless seasons with you, experiencing the warmth of summer, the renewal of spring, the reflection of fall, and the coziness of winter, always together. Will you be my forever through all seasons of life?”
• “Every moment with you is a star in the constellation of our love, creating a pattern of memories that guide us through life. I want to keep adding stars to our constellation, illuminating our path with love and shared dreams. Will you be the starlight in my life, guiding me forever?”
• “Our love is as deep and vast as the ocean, filled with mystery, beauty, and endless waves of joy. I want to dive into this ocean with you, exploring every depth and riding every wave together. Will you be my partner in this ocean of love, now and always?”
• “Our hearts beat in rhythm, a beautiful melody of love and companionship. I want our hearts to keep beating together, creating a symphony of love that lasts a lifetime. Will you marry me and let our hearts beat as one for eternity?”
• “Joining my life with yours has been the most beautiful journey of the heart. With every step, our love has deepened, our bond has strengthened, and our dreams have intertwined. I want to continue this journey with you, heart to heart, soul to soul. Will you say yes to a lifetime of journeys together?”
• “With you, every day is an exploration, a chance to discover more about the world and ourselves. I’m excited for a lifetime of adventures, big and small, always with you by my side. Will you be my partner in every exploration, my co-adventurer in life’s journey?”
• “Our love has been a journey of growth, learning, and understanding. Together, we’ve grown stronger, kinder, and more connected. I promise to continue growing with you, nurturing our love with each passing day. Will you grow with me, hand in hand, as we build our future together?”
• “You have been my support through life’s twists and turns, my constant in a sea of change. I promise to be your pillar of strength, your haven of peace, and your partner in every adventure life brings our way. Will you marry me and let us support each other forever?”
• “Life with you has been the greatest adventure, filled with laughter, love, and unforgettable moments. I want to continue this adventure, facing every challenge and celebrating every victory together. Will you join me in this lifelong adventure as my partner, my love?”
• “Every step we’ve taken together has been filled with love, joy, and companionship. I look forward to a lifetime of steps together, each one taking us closer to our dreams. Will you take this next step with me and journey through life as my partner and my love?”
• “My love for you is eternal, unwavering through life’s ebb and flow. I promise to cherish you, to honor you, and to love you eternally. Will you share this eternal journey with me as my partner, my confidant, my everything?”
• “Together, we’ve embarked on a voyage of love, traveling through calm and stormy seas with trust and devotion. I want to set sail on a lifetime voyage with you, discovering new horizons of love and happiness. Will you be my co-captain on this voyage, forever and always?”
• “Our love is a melody that resonates with joy, harmony, and passion. I want to keep composing this melody with you, adding notes of laughter, moments of bliss, and harmonies of love. Will you continue to create this beautiful melody with me as my partner in life?”
• “Your laughter is my favorite sound, a melody that brightens my darkest days. I promise to spend my life bringing laughter to your lips and joy to your heart. Will you share a lifetime of laughter and love with me?”
• “With you, I’ve found an unbreakable bond, a connection that transcends time and distance. I promise to strengthen this bond with love, respect, and fidelity today and always. Will you join me in forging this unbreakable bond as my partner, my love?”
• “In the rainbows of moments we’ve shared, each color is a memory, a laugh, a tear, and a triumph we’ve experienced together. I look forward to a lifetime of weaving these moments with you, embracing each joy, challenge, and dream as one. Will you join me in this journey, saying ‘yes’ to a future filled with endless moments together?”
• “Your love is a beacon that lights up my darkest days and guides me with its warmth and brilliance. With every beat of my heart, I promise to love you, to cherish our moments, and to walk the journey of life hand in hand. Will you accept my heart and my promise to walk beside you, in love, forever?”
• “Beside you, I’ve discovered dreams I never knew I had and found the courage to chase them. Together, we’ve built a foundation of love, trust, and mutual respect. I’m excited to continue building this life with you, turning dreams into reality. Will you marry me and build a future where every dream is ours to share?”
• “With you, every day is a discovery, an opportunity to learn, to love, and to grow. I’m in awe of how our journey has unfolded, revealing depths of love I never imagined. I promise to spend a lifetime discovering the world with you, cherishing every lesson and every joy. Will you be my partner in this endless journey of discovery?”
• “In the light of our love, I’ve found hope, strength, and an unwavering partner in you. As we stand on the threshold of our future, I promise to be your beacon of hope, lighting our way through life’s challenges and celebrating its joys. Will you marry me and share a life where hope shines eternal?”
• “Our hearts beat in a harmony that’s unique to us, a rhythm that guides us through life’s symphony. I dream of a future where our hearts continue to beat in unison, facing life’s music together with courage and love. Will you join me in creating a life where our hearts’ harmony never ceases?”
• “With you, I’ve experienced seasons of joy, each more beautiful and profound than the last. I long for a lifetime of seasons with you, each one a new chapter of happiness, love, and shared dreams. Will you join me, making every season one of joy and love?”
• “Our love has formed a constellation in the sky, a map that guides me through the night. Each star is a memory, a moment of love and laughter we’ve shared. I promise to spend a lifetime adding stars to our constellation, making our love story eternal. Will you be the star that guides my heart forever?”
• “Meeting you was not just a crossing of paths but a union of souls meant to journey together through life. I promise to be your companion, your ally, and your greatest supporter. Will you take my hand and join me in this soulful journey, creating a lifetime of memories?”
• “With you, dreams don’t just come true; they unfold in the most beautiful and unexpected ways. I promise to dream with you, to strive for those dreams, and to support you in every ambition. Will you dream with me, making each dream a step toward our shared future?”
• “Every sunset we’ve shared has been a reminder of the beauty and transience of life. With you, I’ve found not just a partner but a soulmate with whom every sunset is more beautiful. I want to spend a lifetime of sunsets with you, each one a promise of another day together. Will you share every sunset with me, saying ‘yes’ to a lifetime of love and companionship?”
• “Our love is like a symphony, each day a new movement that brings joy, challenges, and beauty into my life. With you as my partner, every note resonates with deeper meaning, and every melody sings of our love. I want to compose a lifetime of symphonies with you, with each day a note in our endless song of love. Will you be my partner in this symphony, creating a masterpiece of our lives together?”
• “Together, we’ve embarked on an odyssey, a journey that has taken us through the highs and lows of life, each step a testament to our love and commitment. With you, I’ve found my anchor, my joy, and my inspiration. I want our odyssey to continue forever, exploring the depths of love and the heights of happiness together. Will you join me on this lifelong voyage as my co-navigator, my love, and my everything?”

7 tips for delivering an unforgettable marriage proposal speech

Delivering an unforgettable and perfect marriage proposal speech is a momentous occasion that marks the beginning of a new chapter in your relationship. It’s not just about the words you say but how you convey them, creating a moment that encapsulates your love and commitment. 

Here are 7 tips to help you deliver a speech that will be remembered for years to come, each expanded to aid you through this pivotal moment.

1. Practice, but don’t memorize

Practicing your speech helps you refine your words and manage any nervousness. However, it’s essential to avoid memorizing it word for word. Over-rehearsing can make your delivery sound rehearsed and insincere. 

Instead, familiarize yourself with the key points you want to cover . This approach allows you to speak more naturally and adaptively, maintaining the genuine emotion and spontaneity that makes the moment truly special.

2. Stay present

During the proposal, it’s easy to get caught up in your own head, worrying about your performance or the next thing you’re going to say. Strive to stay present in the moment, focusing on the significance of the occasion and the person in front of you. 

Being present helps you connect more deeply with your partner, making the experience more meaningful for both of you. This connection is what transforms a good proposal into an unforgettable one.

3. Keep eye contact

Maintaining eye contact throughout your proposal is a powerful way to enable a deep, emotional connection. It signifies honesty, sincerity, and the depth of your feelings. 

Eye contact can convey more than words, adding a layer of intimacy and significance to your speech. It reassures your partner of your commitment and ensures they feel seen and cherished at this pivotal moment.

4. Control your pace

Nervousness can lead to speaking too quickly, which might make your message less clear. Take deep breaths before you begin, and consciously slow down your speech pace. 

It not only makes it easier for your partner to absorb and react to your words but also allows you to emphasize the most heartfelt parts of your speech. Pausing after significant points can also enhance the emotional impact of your words.

5. Use a note if necessary

If you’re worried about forgetting important points, using a small note or card is perfectly acceptable. This can help you stay on track without the stress of memorizing every word. 

However, use it sparingly as a prompt rather than reading directly from it. This ensures that your delivery remains engaging and personal, with the note acting as a safety net rather than a crutch.

6. Embrace the emotions

Emotions are at the heart of what makes a marriage proposal so unique. If you feel overwhelmed by emotion, let it show. Tears, laughter, and voice cracks add authenticity and depth to your speech. 

They show your partner the true extent of your feelings. Embracing your emotions rather than trying to suppress them can make your proposal more genuine and moving.

7. End with the question

After sharing your heart and setting the stage, don’t forget to actually ask the question, “Will you marry me?” This is the climax of your speech, the moment everything builds toward. Ensure you end your speech with the “Will you marry me” proposal lines. 

Make it clear and direct, allowing all your love and sincerity to culminate in this pivotal question. How you ask can be as memorable as the speech itself, so give it the emphasis it deserves.

Managing the momentous occasion of a marriage proposal can stir up a whirl of emotions and questions. Here’s some advice for commonly asked questions about crafting and delivering the perfect proposal speech.

How long should a marriage proposal speech be?

A marriage proposal speech should be concise yet heartfelt, ideally lasting between 1 to 2 minutes. Keeping it short ensures you convey your message effectively without overwhelming your partner or yourself.

Do I need to memorize my proposal speech?

Memorizing your proposal speech isn’t necessary. It’s more important to speak from the heart. Having key points in mind or a small note can help keep your speech on track without losing the personal touch.

What should I do if I get nervous during the proposal?

It’s normal to feel nervous. Take deep breaths and focus on the significance of the moment. Remember, your sincerity matters more than perfection. Your partner loves you for who you are, nerves and all.

Is it okay to use humor in my proposal speech?

Absolutely! If humor is a part of your relationship, incorporating it into your proposal speech can add a personal and light-hearted touch, making the moment uniquely yours.

What if I can’t think of anything romantic to say?

Focus on expressing your genuine feelings and intentions. Share why you love your partner, how they’ve impacted your life, and your hopes for the future. Authenticity is inherently romantic and meaningful.

Crafting and delivering an unforgettable and touching marriage proposal speech is an opportunity to express your deepest feelings and commitment. By focusing on personalization, emotion, clarity, brevity, and sincerity, you can create a speech that resonates with your partner and makes the moment truly special. 

Remember, the goal isn’t perfection but a genuine expression. With these tips and examples as your guide, you’re well on your way to creating a proposal speech that will be remembered and cherished for a lifetime.

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Dylan Banks is a prolific writer, known for his sharp and insightful commentary on relationships, love, and human connection. With his extensive experience and infectious passion for all things love-related, he has become a leading Read more expert in the field of relationship advice. Dylan is a true romantic at heart, with a deep passion for helping others find love and build meaningful connections. When he’s not writing about love and relationships, Dylan can be found exploring the great outdoors or indulging in his other passion: music. As an accomplished musician and songwriter, he believes that music has the power to connect people in profound ways. Read less

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The Best Wedding Speech Ideas We've Seen on TikTok

• Sarah is the Entertainment & Celebrity Editor for The Knot, with special focuses on pop culture and celebrity wedding news.
• Before joining The Knot Worldwide, Sarah was a contributing writer for Bravo at NBC Universal.
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Giving a wedding speech is one of the biggest honors you can have as a family member or close friend of the newlyweds. While toasts commonly occur during the wedding reception, some couples may ask you to prepare a few words for additional events too, like the rehearsal dinner or the ceremony. Whether you're a seasoned speechwriter or you're preparing your first ever wedding toast, it can be hard to determine how to accurately convey your thoughts and well-wishes for the couple. Giving a great speech requires thoughtful planning before the big day. And if public speaking isn't your thing , you might be searching for wedding speech ideas to inspire your own.

Luckily for you, there's plenty of speech help online—especially on TikTok. The Gen Z-favored video-sharing app is a wealth of wedding inspiration, especially when it comes to toasts. If you haven't found yourself on "WeddingTok," there are thousands of videos of bridesmaids, groomsmen, parents and friends giving standout wedding toasts . And if you're trying to write the best wedding speech for a special couple, we're here to help. Below, we've rounded up our favorite wedding speech ideas we've seen on TikTok. Whether you're writing a best man speech , a maid of honor speech , or a toast for your child, these heartfelt videos will give you plenty of inspiration. Once you've narrowed down the kind of toast you want to give, use our ultimate guide for how to write a wedding speech to create a script that'll bring the house down.

Open With a Joke

@thatawkwardteacher how to make a bride instantly regret making you her maid of honor #moh #mohspeech #weddingtiktok #wedding #foryou #fyp #foryoupage ♬ original sound - Cassie

There's no better way to break the ice than with a lighthearted joke to get the crowd warmed up. You don't have to be a standup comedian to think of a groundbreaking joke either. Instead, steal a line from this maid of honor speech , which starts off with an apology (and a hair flip) for the guests who don't have the privilege of knowing the speaker personally. She then pretends to give a roast instead of a toast, further solidifying this as one of our favorite wedding speech ideas.

Give Honest Advice

@yourstorytold.co someone get her a Netflix special #weddingtiktok #singleaf #weddingfails #maidofhonorspeech #livingthedream #funnywomen #funnywomenoftiktok ♬ You Need To Calm Down - Taylor Swift

Read any wedding speech writing guide and you'll probably be encouraged to share a few words of wisdom with the newlyweds. But, if you aren't married yourself or you don't feel like an expert on all things love, you aren't out of luck. Take a cue from this maid of honor, who candidly (and hilariously) jokes about being single at the wedding.

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Take a "humble" approach.

@bevideography "You're welcome" 🤣🤣 #weddingspeech #bestman #bestmanspeech #weddingtiktok ♬ original sound - BE Videography

Not sure what to write for your wedding speech? We love this best man's approach, who gives himself a pat on the back for introducing the happy couple. After all, no one would be at the wedding without him, so it's only fair that he gets a round of applause too.

Plan a Surprise Flash Mob

@baileypreddy My sister slayed 💁🏼‍♀️ #fypツ #foryour #foryourpride🏳️‍🌈 #lesbiantikok #lgbtqwedding #weddingideas #flashmob #bestfriendsgoals #mohspeech ♬ original sound - Bailey Preddy

The fun doesn't have to stop when your speech ends. If you're looking for speech examples that'll really wow the crowd, enlist the help of your fellow bridesmaids and groomsmen to surprise the couple with a flash mob at the wedding reception. This is particularly appropriate for those looking for fun ideas instead of wedding speeches—if public speaking makes you nervous, keep the talking to a minimum and let the flash mob take over.

Share a Cheeky Pun

@emerald_media Best opening line ever 🤣 #lesbianwedding #lesbiansoftiktok #lesbiancouple #weddingmoments #funnyweddingspeech #gaypride #fyp ♬ original sound - emeraldmediaservices

We're obsessed with this sweet wedding officiant speech idea. Making a cheeky joke at the start of the ceremony sets the tone for the rest of the event, but it also allows the couple to relax and shed any last-minute nerves before they say their wedding vows.

Write a Custom Song

@lovestoriestv 🎥: @miketevesfilms #lovestoriestv #weddingtiktok #mohspeech #weddingspeech #taylorswift ♬ original sound - LoveStoriesTV | Wedding Inspo

You've probably seen your fair share of customized wedding speech songs, but this one takes the cake. If your best friend is a major Taylor Swift fan, take one of her classic love songs and re-write the words yourself. We have a feeling this would bring any Swiftie to tears.

Take a Trip Down Memory Lane

@jkfilmco How this dad knew her daughter had the hots for Manoli #weddingsspeeches #weddings ♬ original sound - J&K Film Co

The father of the bride speech is notorious for being emotional and heartfelt. If you're a parent planning a speech for your child, take a cue from this dad, who reminisces on the first time he saw his daughter interacting with her future husband at a high school basketball game.

Speak From the Heart

@daniel_k._films You have about 5 seconds to grab a box of tissues… #weddingtiktok #wedding #speech #fypシ #maidofhonor ♬ original sound - Daniel_K._Films

The wedding speech is supposed to be thoughtfully written—and while some wedding party members will want to crack jokes and lighten the mood, others might want to write something serious and touching. You'll need a box of tissues to watch this emotional maid of honor speech.

Arrange a Surprise Video Message

@lovestoriestv 🎥: @kateoliviafilms #lovestoriestv #mohspeech #weddingsurprise #weddingspeech #maidofhonor #MyStyle #BachelorReady ♬ original sound - LoveStoriesTV | Wedding Inspo

You don't have to be the only person who speaks during your toast. If there's a loved one who's unable to attend the wedding, coordinate a surprise video message ahead of time so they can also share a few special words with the couple from afar.

Tastefully Roast Your Friend

@katlyn.boone he really set him up😂 #wedding #weddingmoment #funnyweddingmoment #funnyweddingspeech #weddingspeech #funnyweddingmoments #brideandgroom ♬ original sound - Katlyn Boone Cinematography

If you know the newlyweds have a great sense of humor, don't be afraid to weave in a few lighthearted jokes. Take a cue from this best man's speech, where the speaker invites the groom to put his hand over his wife's, signifying the last time he'll have the "upper hand" in their marriage.

Honor Your Parents

@happycamperfilms Such special ways to honor their parents' memory on her wedding day ❤️ #wedding #weddingspeech #emotional #foryou #fyp ♬ original sound - happycamperfilms

This wedding speech is perfect for siblings. If you're looking for wedding speech ideas for your sister or brother, give your parents a shoutout in your toast like this maid of honor did.

Speak to Your Best Friend's Spouse

@newenglandcreative Speech of the century 😭 #wedding #weddingvideographer #weddingvideo #engaged #weddingdress #weddingvibes #weddingplanner #speech #love ♬ Worship Instrumental - Instrumental - Adrian Jonathan

If you're the maid of honor, you've probably been friends with the bride for a long time. And, as a result, you've likely seen the progression of the couple's relationship from the start. For a unique wedding speech idea for your best friend, consider speaking directly to their spouse. Talk about how it feels to see them grow together, and share what it's like to watch your friend be loved so genuinely. This creative tactic is a unique way to honor their relationship in front of loved ones.

Be Sentimental

@newenglandcreative Speech of the century from bride's dad 😭 Wait for it 😢 #wedding #weddingspeech #weddingdress #weddingplanner #speech #tears #imnotcryingyouare #dad ♬ See You Again (Piano Arrangement) - Alexandre Pachabezian

We dare you to watch this father of the bride speech without shedding a tear. Emulate this dad's speaking style in your own toast—writing a vulnerable and honest message will resonate with the crowd.

Reminisce on Your Friendship

@emerald_media When your BFF gives a speech.. #weddingvideo #weddingspeech #emotionalweddingmoments #bffgoals #fyp #viral #bestfriends ♬ original sound - emeraldmediaservices

As the maid of honor or the best man, you've probably been thinking about your toast long before the wedding day. We recommend digging back into the early memories of your friendship, as this maid of honor did, to share personal anecdotes and memories that illustrate your close relationship with the couple.

Give a Toast to Your Child's Spouse

@danleighvideography Bride's dad passed away before they got married. Father of the groom moves her to tears during his speech #trynottocry #imnotcryingyouare #fatherinlaw ♬ She's Somebody's Daughter (The Wedding Version) - Drew Baldridge

Consider this one of our favorite examples of a father of the groom speech. Since the bride's father passed away before the wedding, the groom's dad took over both speech duties and welcomed his son's new wife into their family.

Allot Time for a Couple's Toast

@lovestoriestv 🎥: @imageslifemedia #lovestoriestv #weddingspeech #howtheymet #funnywedding #funnyweddingmoments #HowBizarre ♬ original sound - LoveStoriesTV | Wedding Inspo

Now, it's common for the newlyweds to take the floor for a speech of their own. We love this bride's great wedding toast (and tasteful roast) to her future husband, who originally didn't think they'd be a good match.

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